The Birth Date !!!!

Hello, ma’am.

So here were again back to the blog. It’s been quite a while now that I have written anything on this blog. I haven’t forgotten about it nor bored out of it but was waiting for the right thing.

Perhaps the right kind of inspiration was missing to write something again here. And then this date came along in the calendar, 28^th may. And why is….no no no….was…was today so important? It is because it’s your birthday again. I know I will again draw a lot of flak for doing this. It’s not that I miss you all the time or something but yes there are times when life reminds me of you. I don’t blame myself or you for being in such a spot. But the date makes it’s hard.

People say that I have become self-centered in the past couple of months. Well, some have used words like egoistic and ghamandi as well. But I disagree with them. I have just become quieter than before. Centered? Yes. I indeed find myself being centered. And that too because of writing I suppose. And then the nature of my work requires me to be centered at times as well. But then there was a time when I was just worried about my work and did nothing else and then I realize that it is just not working for me. I guess abhi adat ho gayi hai iski.

Why am I writing this? I think it was just waiting for the right occasion. I argued with myself whether today is still an occasion or not. Or it just some date in the calendar that I tried to forget but couldn’t, at least for this year.

I don’t wish to tell whether I still miss you or not. It’s such an irrelevant thing to be said at this point of times. It’s not because I am still trying to ignore the facts and reality or something? But it’s just a common simple fact that…. logo ko koi farak nai padta. They really don’t care. In fact, even you wouldn’t care to know it, I suppose.

I don’t blame you but seriously, people actually don’t care. Or even if they do, it comes with what we call as ‘terms and conditions’ with a raised asterisk in the bottom of a page. And the funny part is that you can include anything under that asterisk and it becomes a rule. Like a conditional support. Even if they don’t have solid grounds to prove it or convince themselves of doing it yet they do it. And upon asking the reasons for doing it all you get to hear is……..well… what the hell…

You will only hear a bunch of repeated excuses. And then if you try to get a clarification on that you will get more excuses.

Like I said ki logo ko sach me koi farak nai padta hai. Perhaps they have becomes so selfish that see the same thing in me as well. Or maybe I have spent way too long on the other side of the fences to see and understand excuses for their selfish behavior.

This weird writing style of mine reminds me of a time when I had just started writing.  It was a time before I meet you. People can relate to it as well by reading some of my older stuff.

For some, it’s very complicated style of writing to read and understand, but for me, it feels like my soul is flowing out. Probably my soul too is complicated or maybe it’s just my thoughts. But it was the date… that reminded so many things good and bad both. I know that it’s not right to compare but since we are here on this date let’s do the comparison just for the sake of comparison because a comparison that has to be drawn about a certain individual.

The next question would be “ladki hai kya??”

And I would say “haan ladki….. but hai…. Ya thi pata nai”

A person I meet while I tried (like many said) to move on. Someone who again felt right and correct.

 I feel sorry to admit it but it is true that when you get this ‘I don’t care wala attitude’ from a person you looked up to is tough to digest. And this one of those things that made me write as well.

Sometimes blinded priorities are seen as selfishness. Or maybe it is just another perspective of things. Trust me If I can tell you I so much wish Guruji’s knowledge in the people I know Because it teaches use selflessness. And, yaha toh sab ulta he lagta hai. I gave her this book ‘Celebrating Silence’ by Guruji. I hoped that it would help me to help her. But hahaha….. She never opened it nor read it. And when you ask for reason… well, you get a whole bunch of excuses. But when you see hope and optimism that’s when you don’t give up.

It wasn’t that I didn’t give her many opportunities. But sadly I didn’t get an opportunity back. Reason pucho toh koi stupid sa hota hai.

But why am I writing it all down that too under the word such as ‘comparison’ because I wish to bring it in picture here. I have my valid reasons for it as well. Because of this person, a person like you. With whom I wished to correct all my mistakes, with whom I wanted to undo some things while with you, with whom I wished to accomplish things that I couldn’t with you. With whom I could again push to be a better person. With whom I can again find something about me that is still hidden from me. But unfortunately, she is one of those people who doesn't care. Jinko farak nai padta. No matter how hard or badly you try. I hoped to change at least one person’s perspective about me my faith, my beliefs, and life. But what to do when a person lies to herself only?

  
I agree that I have changed. I have learned better things. I am still trying to break the stereotype. But the worst feeling while trying to do it all is that people are just not willing to give you that opportunity. Perhaps there is no willingness to accept. Accept the right thing which might seem tough but it is the right thing. Instead,   we go with the wrong thing because it is easy. And while we go along people still somehow find ways to align their selfishness with this flow. 

Like I said, maybe I have spent too much time being on the other side of the mirror. Long enough not to lie to own self least in the eye. And in this comparison, you come because least you gave me the opportunity this one didn’t. Also, the fact that you trusted me and this don'tsn’t and you believed and this one doesn’t.  But the toughest of all was that I couldn’t convince this girl I love that I loved her. 

Oh shit!!!! I again know that this statement too will draw a lot of flak on me. But indeed I have corrected myself and improved a lot since you are left. I still have not learned to give up on the right things. I guess I am going way out of my line while writing this, and probably if any realistic person read this he too will say that I tried to slip my agenda into it as well. 

And this is right as well because this is the only platform left with me to communicate with both of you. And probably this date finally motivated me to put it up finally. I am not looking for any redemption or fallback or anything like that. I know it impossible happens and that’s because in this world where everyone seems selfish… in saab baton se kisi ko bhi koi bhi farak nai padta.

Not the right way to end this write-up I suppose. So here is a pseudo-happy ending of it.

(pseudo…. Because aajkal market me yeh word bohot chal raha hai)

Jokes apart…. Happy birthday to you and All the best.

maya si lagti hai zindagi yeh....
na rehke bhi reh gayi...
aur fir reh ke bhi na reh payi yeh...