My hands without rakhi

Being a Christian we don’t believe in festivals like rakhi. To be honest rakhi is one of the most loved festivals as far as I am concerned. There is a special bond between siblings. For a brother his elder sister is like a mother.  Fact about this mother son relationship is that both are of same generation and there is no barrier or communication gap. They both work with same frequency and they know what other person thinks. In short this mother is very chilled out and cool. You can tell your elder sister anything without feeling embarrassing and hesitating and I am sure she would understand.

Similarly for a younger sister and elder brother is like a father of same generation. She can poke,  hit, bite, fight and tease this father and extort  as much money as he can and he would surrender every single penny out of wallet for her.

To be very specific and honest there is a special reason why I am writing this.  Since my childhood every year after rakhi I would see my friends and classmates turning up with there hands filled with rakhi of n  number of shape and size. They used to showoff there rakhi and I would try give them explanation for my empty hands. It seems very stupid now when I think of it but these things used to matter a lot back then.

 It wasn’t until few years later when on the same day me and my brother cried like heal. My mother went to the nearest shop and bought us 2-2 rakhi just to make us happy. The very next day I and my elder brother went to school like hero.

The very next year my dad called a friend of his who had two daughters and hence forth they used to come to our home to tie us rakhi on here kinetic Honda. Also there is this small girl named Rosy in whose house we used to stay when my mom dad would go to work during our childhood. We had neither blood relation nor even far relation. But she used to come every year to my place to tie me rakhi. Her commitment was so strong that if we weren’t at home she would come again the next day.

 I don’t have my own sister but yes I do have cousin sisters both elder and younger but I somehow felt that there presence was missing all the time. There could be reasons and justifications for it. Some of which we chose and some were told to us.  I might be too young to under stand it that time and maybe still am immature for it. This weird though came to my mind a few days back when I was planning to send them some chocolates. For elder sister there was no hesitation but when it came to younger  sisters  lots of if’s and but’s creped in.

“would they understand it” , “why suddenly am I sending them chocolates” i asked myself.

It is since that day I am fighting with this word “understanding”. Because whenever I think of understanding the obvious two words that follows it is compromise and misunderstanding. The existence of understanding is half without misunderstanding. To suppress the obvious occurrence of misunderstanding we tend to subdue it with understanding which is actually a compromise. We will discuss it in detail some other day. But you have to be mature to understand the difference. But be it understanding or misunderstanding I didn’t care of it at that time when my hands used to be empty. Probably this could be the very reason why even they didn’t show up all those year or could be some other reason. What I am doing now I should have done back than

“my dear sisters,

I may be incorrect by the way m doing this. I could be totally wrong about it or maybe expecting too much, but I felt that I should do it. I know that there is a whole lot of thing that I personally missed because I didn’t have sisters. Only a sister can bring-out gentlemen out of his brother. It maybe too late to bring back what passed us but I just don’t want to miss what lies ahead. I know this because I miss all those sister tips and suggestions. Be it the best  hairstyle, clothes, deo for myself or how to chose earings, bangles, gifts and dialogs to impress girl. Specially what to say and what not to say and when to say and how to say.

Now while m sitting in INORBIT MALL vashi I see all around girls carrying rakhi in there bags and tying it to there brothers while sitting in food court. From my home to this huge mall, from peda and laddo to bournvile and dairy milk a lot has changed. Or maybe not. But it reaffirmed my faith in what I feel. Its all about what you want in your life and in such situation what do you chose. Even if its symbolic but I would like to live it. I thank god for giving me such an opportunity to get back what I lost and in the process of doing so got brave enough to accept what I chose. I chose to try and fulfill my responsibility as your brother. ”

Some day they would understand it too like I did but if that day is not today so be it. if not I wouldn’t force them to understand it now. Before visiting the mall I was thinking that I am the only one putting my hand out and making it reachable. But I realize that I am not the only trying to build back a relationship which was rusted and weakened by previous misunderstandings. Something on which neither of us had controlled.

 I miss you bitti akka, Gloria, oshin, swarna, shubbu, sania, hemmu, poppy, rozy(my sisters) and most of all my elder brother allwin lewis (partners in crime)

Happy raksha bandhan.

Feedback and suggestion welcomed.

the first Sunday of august.

To be honest I always have fantasized the whole concept of friendship day in my childhood. I never really thought about the reason or the motive behind people celebrating it. All we need is a reason to celebrate things in life. Well it took me a while to understand it. Almost till the first Sunday of august last year.

She was A last minute addition to my class like me which started of our friendship.  it wasn’t until the last months of 6^th semester that we actually started to talking regulary.  It was then I came to know that she was Bengali. Well it something which we will discuss some other time. But one thing very unique and characteristically relative to them is the way the put mascara in there eyes. I don’t know why my world starts and ends around eyes but they are the first thing to catches my attention. It wasn’t until I used to talk to her while waiting for our practicals to start that I started admiring her eye.

But the fact that she used to wear it daily and we used to meet made me big admirer of her. She was very typical type Bengali  girl, A little short in height and a bit healthy. She had a dusky complexion somewhere near to golden brown type and she never used to tie the gamcha around her face like most of the girl in nagpur do. I used to call her penguin because she similar to them.

There was always this mystique about those dark eyes on which she used to apply the mascara. She had big eyes and the mascara  lining used to enhance it and make them look deep and mysterious. It always used to look like a very beautifully decorated trap. 

  But the fact still remained that I was always mesmerized by the way she use to apply mascara.   you know the most beautiful fact about the entire craziness was that after a very long day of college when she used to get exhausted her kajaled eyes would look even better and much deeper as well.  Sometimes it would get all smeared up, but it still suited her and I would always make her realize this.  The best thing was that she always took my comment about her mascara eyes in a sporting way. (Koi aur hoti toh sochti ki chance mar raha hai).

Not many people knew that I have a old injury mark on my little finger which was fairly big.  It was cured a long time back but the mark of it still remains. When an injury is cured the skin over the injury becomes smooth and shiny and she liked its smoothness.

“I like your pinky, it very smooth, mujhe dede ” she used to tease me everytimes she used to touch it to feel  the smoothness of that cut.

“are you insane, how is that possible” I always used to reply.

“jo meri nai ho saki who kisi ki bhi nai ho sakti” she use to reply in dharmendre style which eventually sounded very funny in the end.

One fine day she did it. After a small argument on why I didn’t call to her in Christmas she scratched my pinky over the old Injury mark. Which was followed by a little blood of mine and lots and lots tears, drama and sorry by her.  But i knew all she wanted was a little attention.

“iska jawab milega…. Baraber milega” I told her in a gabbar type voice.

 I took my revenge almost 8 months after that incident. At a part hosted by our juniors in which they would chose there favorite couple and make them dance. There was no way that her name wouldn’t be called out and she wont be dancing with anyone else, this too was sure.

She was wearing a beautiful white gown with red belt and her typical make up, Dark thick eyeliner with a little lip gloss and pearl neckless. We had discussed about this situation and made planes of how we would react in the same.

But when you are so close to a person whom you know for a very long time its easy to predict the there behavior but its equally difficult to fight those weird feelings that comes in your mind. Thoughts that ask you to make full use of this opportunity and express what you feel, why you felt and how you feel. The other person wouldn’t be able to dodge it neither could run away from it. Because you literally holding the other person. The only thing that can accommodate that very small space when you are doing 3rd round of paper dance is your feeling for the other person and your willingness to accept there feeling into your world. And in such situation a look in the eyes is all it takes. And her eyes, well they had been my fantasy from the day I meet her. I feared once if I looked in her eyes from this close I would definitely, surely and absolutely would fall in love with her and I know that when she see it in my eyes she wont be able to held back her feeling for me. I was so close to her that she seemed vulnerable and submissive.

Boy did she looked beautiful or what. her entire face seemed like a very beautiful trap, a trap in which anyone would love to fall. For a while she looked down maybe even she felt the same way as I did. But when she looked at me the second time all I felt was “i surrender… whatever you will say its will be my decision as well”

She looked exactly the way she used to look after a long day in college which I always liked. And it was all her way to what she felt about me. sometime words aren’t just  enough.

Those black eyes surrounded by dark black mascara were so mesmerizing that it almost felt hypnotizing and when those eyes follow your eyes movement it feel  like a slave. You are trapped and before you know it you are no longer in control of your sense.

Some how involuntarily my right hands moved towards her face.  She felt my hands off her back and moving towards her face. And during the entire time she was looking straight back into my eyes and I tried to maintain the look back. But the look was so intense and constant and addictive that it made me scared.

This is the time when what you do defines your relations and you as a person at large. This is what you truly are the ultimate time of truth.

I gently took my right hand thumb near her left eyes and deliberately rubbed the thick layer of mascara from her left eyes smudging it. the smudge was dark at the origin and became lighter as it went outside finally vanishing into her golden brown skin. it was as close I could get to her. she was almost mine and I knew if I went ahead with it none of us could ever back out  of it.

“this is for what you did to  my pinky” wiggling my fingers in front of her eyes bringing her back to herself and giving her a devil smile

  And she almost cried. It was eventually my blue tie that helped her but I am glad it happened the way it happened.

 For a moment she was stunned by whatever I did but it was needed. It was my fantasy few years back but it felt like I did the right thing at right time

I chose to be a very good friend because I valued my relationship with her more.  I don’t know weather it was right or wrong but it felt right at that moment. Love demands perfection, predictability, space and similarity. Friendship thrives on imperfection, annoyance, surprise and diversity. Where love becomes weak friendship brings strength.

There is a very fine saying in English “two best friends can be lovers, but two lovers can never be best friends”.

It my dads birthday as well today which make this day even more special. I hope its even special for me and you as well.

happy birthday daddy... i hope i made you proud....