Those who walked without turning back (part 1)

“Aaj fatte hue khato ko dekh kagaz k tukdo ki ehmiyat samajh ayi.” 9^th oct 2013

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Present day 9:30 AM, Ghatkopar station:

I questioned myself, “How can someone be so irresponsible?”

After being made aware by me of the facts that the central line of Mumbai suburban local is extremely unpredictable on weekends still they chose to go Kalyan to her aunt’s place yesterday. I also told them that they would have to travel in local today morning in peek hours but they straight away overlooked my advice…

I questioned myself again “Why am I doing it?” as vivid thoughts about her crowded my memory like morning rush at Ghatkopar station.

Although this wasn’t the first time I had questioned this to myself. I had recently asked this question twice at different instances, first when I agreed to her brother’s request to help them so that she could board her flight to London and second when I met them at CSTM station and suggested them to stay at a hotel nearby instead of going Kalyan  so as to avoid morning rush. They didn’t give a shit to either of my opinion. Here I am again waiting for them since 7:00 AM at a time which was decided the previous day. Again I kept my words but she didn’t.

It’s almost a year now since we broke up. I am not sure about how other break-ups happen as there was no drama involved in mine. The best part was- It happened over a phone. Maybe for both of us it was the best way. We knew we couldn’t lie to each other upfront and this would help us in hiding our shortcomings as well. I thought the best way to gulp it was doing it in a single go and say “koi nai… chalega… no tension”. On the other hand she would have thought I might win her back again and convince her. Both of us preferred the ‘chickened out’ solution. And in a few days both of us realized that the page had already turned. Actually it was she, who first thought of moving on and promptly went ahead with her thoughts. Perhaps the pace of life was different for both of us. Neither I could run fast nor could she wait much. It was destined…

“Bloody am I the only one worried about her… what’s wrong with them?” – The concerning question took over my thought process. I tried to dial her number which was mugged up a long time ago; perhaps my fingers remembered the digits better than me.

But all of a sudden the memories of yesterday encircled my mind. When all we had to say to each other was a cold and formal “Good Morning”. It was almost a forced wish. Neither did she try to talk to me nor was I expecting so from her. It’s very strange to realize such   behavior from a person who was once your motivation. I played with my Nokia 520 while thinking about it and in disgust I threw it back in my pocket.

9:45 AM, Ghatkopar station:

Her Dad called me to notify that they had reached Ghatkopar safely amid of utter Mumbai crowd. “Are beta sorry actually who…” her dad started to apologize which sounded more of an explanation.

“Not an issue we are here that’s all matters now…lets go” I quickly interrupted him and rushed them towards the taxi stand on the west side of station.  Although her brother was trying to be smart with his weird idea about going till Santa Cruz via Dadar which sounded absolutely stupid considering the lack of time that we had.  Her father noticed that I was sulking and tired and pissed off at them as I was waiting since 7 am in morning that too after doing a night shift. Straight away he followed me. I rushed them to the taxi stand and in no time we were heading towards Chtarapati Shivaji International Airport. As we travelled towards Sakinaka from Ghatkoper there was a strange silence inside the taxi. Apart from the usual and occasional question to the driver “Kitna time lagega bhaiya?”

Sensing that I was in a bad mood his dad tried to strike up a conversation with me inquiring about my work and all. But there was little he could understand about CX600 , ISP’s, Routing protocols, Shift handover and 48-fiber.

Between this unexpected job interview and complaining about how Mumbai traffic sucks by her dad, a gush of memory flashed by my eyes. I recalled a conversation that I had many times with her when we were ‘WE’ about how I wanted to show her around Mumbai. Not in this way perhaps never in this situation. I sneaked through the rear view of driver and there she was quietly starring at the slow moving traffic under the metro rail. I was rather less worried about what was going on in her mind for me the top priority was to get her to departure terminal 1 gate D before 10:40 AM and it was already 10:30 AM.

10: 40 AM, Sakinaka

After a bumpy ride in  cramped up Mumbai traffic we reached Sakinaka and turned left towards CSIA Terminal 1 and headed towards departure gate D. Suddenly the mood in the taxi got a little tensed and sad. The thoughts swayed in my mind like the road swayed towards the gates. All ups and downs that we faced together circled through my in matter of seconds. We reached just in time and they all started to unload her bags on to the trolley and moved towards the check-in area. All eyes were wet by now and bodies had gone cold and numb.

“Come on, push it… we are not pushing ...It’s your responsibility now” I announced without addressing her directly. And so she did as we all stood outside and the family started to talk about something in Marathi.

“This is no place for me I am not supposed to be here” I said to myself again.

First she hugged her mother (whom I hated a lot) and then the rest followed. Knowing what would follow up next I took two steps back and tried to hide somewhere. Her brown white eyes first turned wet and the strands of red started to emerge from white. I was just too strong to become weakened by that embrace or tears. Neither had I wanted to hear what they were talking nor did I want to look in those eyes as I wasn’t a part of her family. So I again took two steps back almost finding myself in the middle of a parking road. I guess even after so many months I just couldn’t bear to see her cry. After saying goodbyes to everyone she briefly looked towards me. But this time I just could not read anything in those eyes. They seemed shut just like her heart; there seemed no room for me in them.

Among 100 of situations one can imagine this would be oddest of them all. Where you have nothing to say to the person you loved. Maybe somewhere deep in my mind I minutely expected a dramatic situation but here it was very practical and real. All I could see in those cold eyes were “It’s over”. She had already moved too far from me emotionally now she is actually moving 9000 km away from me and she had nothing to say. As she approached me to bid adieu instead of taking 4 steps forward I took only 3 and stretched my hand towards her.

Suddenly the last memory about her crossed my mind. The conversation we had as she left Jaipur was much unexpected and it highlighted with a lie… a lie that brought me trembling on my knees back then and shaking the trust amongst us over some torn pieces of paper.

This brought a sweep of coldness inside me as well and just at that moment we shook our hands. Those two cold hands, two emotionless hands, two dead hands. Hands that once knew each other very well were complete strangers now.

“Don’t forget your priorities.” I said to her.

“Yes I won’t” she responded without a hint of smile...

Neither my suggestion nor her response mattered to any of us at that moment. Still I was stupid enough to stand on the edge of Sliding gates behind her crying family trying to look as deep inside the check-in area as possible. Hoping she might turn back. To say sorry, thank you, take care or even goodbye. If not atleast to hear it from me and witness that I fulfilled all that I promised. But she was one of those who walked without turning back.  As her flight status changed from on-time to check-in to security to boarding and departed her family waited thoughtfully and I thoughtlessly.

1:40 PM, CSIA

To be very honest I never really understood it. And at that very moment I didn’t want to understand it. I was never made to feel so cold by any person ever in my life. What goes on once you are inside cannot be judged by anyone from the outside. Just at that instant my phone popped an SMS and it read “The PNR status for your spicejet flight SG529 from banglore on 5^th jan 14 at 19:40 hrs is JDGR2R”. I just have a hope that I might find out the reason behind her cold behavior because in a matter of months I would be on other side of those Sliding gates.

Concluding part to follow soon…

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feedback and comments are welcome
Special thanks to Sunny Bhatia and Kishore Pathak for there valuable input to make it even more special.

Everything except “I Love You”

(please post your comment on this below the article)

“so you wanted to wish me happy diwali?” she asked.

I suddenly felt a wave of chill run down entire body. Even though the car AC was turned off it felt very cold and as I sat next to the driver seat I noticed sometime back she was combing her hair while driving the car which made me feel a bit odd not to mention surprising and unusual too.

Now here I was facing her with open hands. Maybe she was expecting such a thing. So neither she backed out nor hesitated and as soon I gestured asking her hands she promptly acknowledged and landed her soft small hand in mine. And this was the very reason why I felt waves after waves of chill going up and down my body instantly dropping my temperature and I could feel my hands going cold and numb instantly

“What are you doing? why are you so nervous?”she asked.

“I don’t know and yes I am a bit nervous” I said and instantly my mouth went dry and the nervousness was so intense that the dryness went from my mouth to throat in matter of seconds. I had barely finished the sentence and I was already feeling thirsty.

As soon as I held her hand she said “you are cold”.

“I know ” I said.

The other day when we meet after a very long time I was avoiding making an eye contact with her. I was scared about what would happen if…… I was just too scared to think anything beyond that “if”. She kept complaining and pinching me hoping to make an eye contact but I was all over the place. She had the most intoxicating eyes. But now there was no escaping and I said to myself lets face it and conquer it. I gently squeezed her hands so that she stays focused on me and looked straight into her eyes.  At that moment all I could feel was my thumping heart beat, my chilled numb hands and her sweaty palm as she turned of her car and turned left facing me.

“thank you so very much for listening to me and I am also aware of the fact that I wasn’t making eye contact with you even though you constantly kept provoking me to do the same..” I started and trust me it was not at all easy to grab hold of my thoughts and words once I held those hands and looked into those intoxicating brownish black eyes all at the same time. I knew this would happen hence I mugged up everything that I wanted to tell her.

So now I took a long deep breath in and continued “but I didn’t want to ruin the importance of this moment that day. You listening to whatever I had to say meant a lot to me and I am feeling very light and much more comfortable with myself…”

I noticed her smiling with a beautiful look and so I smiled back and continued “….and I also want to say that you have very beautiful eyes and I like them a lot”. I noticed she was blushing and then she asked “haven’t you seen my eyes before?”

“ I had…. but its just that things around me were so messed up that it had covered my vision for quiet a while. I might well say that I had just forgotten how they looked” I answered and suddenly everything was fine around me. It was calm inside and all there nervousness was gone as if somehow I broke all the shackles and then I continued “…..and believe you are very special and god gives these kind of eyes to very few and special people and they are very lucky as well….”

“ no… no its not like that everyone is special for GOD and…”she interrupted shaking her head.

“listen… just listen” I interrupted her back and brought her attention back towards my eyes and continued “…this is what I believe in and I know he makes them with his very hands and with lot of care also makes sure to look after them in every step of life. And this kind of eyes helps him to find you guys easily out of millions of people like me who came out of an assembly line I guess” I finished laughing and concluded saying  “that’s why i have black eyes maybe, and deep down even you know that”

“what that black eyed guys like you come out of a assembly line?” she laughed and asked.

I am not sure what was going on in her mind at that time because she was starring right back trying to hide something. But when such an eye connection happens there is not much one can hide.

“nahi…nahi re.. every tom, dick and harry has  black eyes and even you know deep down that you are special and I can tell you how lucky I am to have you in my life in whichever way you are” I said and noticed her small lips stretching to its extremities and trying to reach her ears. This eventually made smile too.

“you are so stupid… I feel like hitting you right now… tabse kya kar rahe the” and blushed a bit.

“can I hug you?” she asked and quickly leaned towards me without waiting for my response and grabbed me. For the very first time in my life it felt peaceful and complete.

I felt whole, I felt satisfied, I felt calm and accomplished. No wonder its called the ‘ The jadoo ki jhappi’. I wanted to stay liked that forever and I know the feeling was mutual. You could hear the heart beat, fell the lungs breathing and smell the fragrance of body. Not yours but the person you are embracing. It’s the ultimate and purists form of bonding I think.

I took advantage of the situation and planted 3 kiss on her, 2 on either cheeks and 1 on the forehead. That broke our hug and I found her looking at me with a surprised and question marked expression on her face. I thought she might through a slap right across my face.

“I don’t want to keep any regrets” I said putting her hair behind her ears.

“so do I” she replied and kissed me the same way back.

“so this is how you wish Happy Diwali? You are really really stupid…  I feel like hitting you right now” she said with her tiny smile.

There are some relations that don’t need any name. They cannot be defined are bracketed. They could only be felt and expressed. That’s what some people call ‘kitabon wala pyar’

Inspired from a documentary film “meherooni”. 

feedback and comments are welcomed.

Running back to go home!!

This was something that was inspired during my tryst to get train tickets for home during ganesh chaturthi and wrote it that time itself. i wish it all of you relate with it in more than ways.

I had a very long and tiring day. Waking up early to book my train tickets, then rushing to office and in the evening attending a invitation for ganesh arti by  a very good friend of mine. The entire day was demanding and very much busy in a different way. By the end of the day I was very much faithful of god as I was in doubt about his existence. Why ? I was able to get a train ticket to Nagpur for diwali with  a single digit waiting number. Its close to miracle. As I sat on my bed trying to reason and conclude the entire days event but I was too tired by then.

“oh god !!! you better come in my dream and justify it” I said to myself while staring at the ceiling and before I knew it I was fast asleep.Suddenly some noise above my head woke me up. Something or someone was scanning through the kitchen utencils.

“who’s there?” I shouted out of fear & terror. For a while there was no response but then a short fat guy with long nose and larger than normal ears popped his head into my bed room and said “oh… sorry bro…I didn’t intend to wake you up”

“who are you” I asked.

“what ? you only wanted to talk me so I am here… but there is nothing to eat… by the way I am ganesha” he said in a very casual way.

This is the thing about dreams there are somethings with which you can reason and then there are some that are unexplainable.

“why troubling me yaar? I had a very long day…kal morning shift hai…legs are paining, you always trouble people and enjoy it don’t you” I said angrily

“I beg your pardon? Okay now tell me what are the issue that you wanted to get answered” and stood in the door way with his arms and legs crossed.

“why is that in your anticipation people take so much trouble and pain? I stood in line since 5 am and still got a waiting ticket for diwali. Don’t you think its unfair? What about others who couldn’t get the tickets for going home”. I asked

“well ..you see we are not selfish and ignorant. Think of it as those who got the tickets were more needful to go where ever they wanted to go. As far as others are concerned if you have to go then have to go, then you don’t need money or ticket. I suppose it my way to check your faith in us, and in the process help you realize what you want.”

“so why do you come for short time and in everyone life at the same time?” I asked.

“you human are very lazy and forget about us. Everything you do you do it or your own personal purpose.  So I provide you with a reason. A reason to come home to your family and relatives. All the people standing in line along with you didn’t care if railways fairs are increased; ticket is waiting or petrol price as such. For them all that matters is being with there family, which is a reason provided by me. don’t you think that’s cool” he said winking at me.

“then why is that even people living with there families still run on platform and overbridges behind trains and buses?”I asked.

“to spend that extra minute with there children, to spend some more time looking into his wife’s  eye, to hold the hand of there gf/bf for some more time, maybe to say “I love you” one more time, to see her husband  smile a few centimeters more when she comes home early, to help their aging parents walk a few steps without pain. The easiest job one an do is judge, that’s what  you are doing my buoy”

“but why do others judge me when I say that you are my favorite hindu god?” I asked.

“well thank you young man, I am honored to  hear it. I believe you not respecting me but you are respecting your faith. It dosnt matter for whom it is until it originates from you and you only. Having faith in god is like having faith in yourself, faith can neither be broken nor it can be attained easily. Faith is a “siddhi”. It means attainment and accomplishment and all the people who were standing with you wanted to celebrate there siddhi with there real accomplishment ie with there loved ones. All we do is give you an excuse. As far as leave is concerned you won’t get it unless you ask for it”.

Whatever he said send me into a deeper thought . “by the way do you have anything to eat?” ganeshji asked and went straight into the kitchen.

“wait wait… will my leaves be approved!!!”. I shouted.

“only if you are taking it for the right reasons” he said.

“oh great… we have some rice and curd. Wait ganeshji I will serve you” I said.

And then there was a big cranky noise in the kitchen which woke me up.

“oye kisko kya serve karega bhai its 5.00 am. Are you alright?” my roommate enquired.

“kitchen me kaun hai?”I asked.

“billi thi” he said.

Was I dreaming or was  it real I thought.

“chal koi nai.. lets go to sleep”I said.

“hmmm… if ganeshji comes again ask him to approve my diwali leaves as well” he said bouncing on his bed.

“how did you know?” in a shocking and surprising way I asked.

“you were sleep talking my friend” and he laughed.

They say early morning dreams do come true. Weather it was my wish or a thought that occupied my mind which translated into such a dream. In the end all I hope for the right thing to happen. If my reason are good enough my leaves would be approved. If not I would assume someone in my team needed it to be with there family more than I do.

Happy diwali !!!

Its not about me always.

I wanted to get up early that day. Its the second morning of our weekend get together and I was already late. I didn't want to miss the sunrise as I rarely get to see them. To be honest it was what we all had decided the previous day. At this very simple man home in nagaon village somewhere in alibagh who made our comfort his responsibility. To our surprise he had a beach in his backyard. I just couldn’t wait for others to get up so we could go together. So I grabbed my toothpaste and brush and headed for the beach. The beauty of anything lies in its simplicity and it was just beautiful. It was huge, long, clean and endless. I had my tussle with the sea last evening and I admit I thoroughly enjoyed swimming in it. it was like a dream come true but this time I just wanted to watch and listen. Watch everything and maybe I’d be able to peek inside myself.

So I sat on a fishing boat anchored to the shore.

I believe all journeys happens for a reason and so to was this. It has been one hell of a year for 13B. And this break was for it. I don't know about others but a lot has changed in and around me and I suppose the same goes to every individual of 13B. From being junior most person in the team to a reliable resource and even being a lead for sometime it had been a demanding year. From having lunch together to having breakfast alone my dimensions have changed. If you ask me there would be 29 different stories about how the year has panned out for them. The way we work, live and see the world has changed but I am sure one thing hasn't changed it what we feel about each other when we meet.

I never expected a training room friendship would be so deep and unbreakable. But in a city where you come across millions of unknown faces it feel great to see 29 familiar face smiling at you. I believe any relationship that starts with zero last longer. Zero means when you know each other from the beginning, when you are nothing and nobody, just a scared and curious face in D block conference room. In time you may grow in age or stature but this basic bond never goes away. We grow and succeed in life and so do others and you feel happy for them as well. Aur ego and jealousy ka toh sawal he nahi Uthata. Achieving success is not difficult but maintaining your relationship while doing it is more important. We may find 100 people shaking your hand when we are successful but a hug from such a person give you a real sense of accomplishment. You want to see them more than anyone else. By the time I finish this thought almost an hour had passed and the sun had already risen and when I turned around to take its photo I saw my training batch-mates walking slowly down the dusty road towards the beach. I never had luck with best friends but I suppose this is how it felt to have or be a best friend.

I had planned in this before boarding the ferry at gateway to India to alibagh that I would not think of anything on this trip. I would just keep my mind empty and isolate it from everything or anyone that was there in mumbai. I didn't even wanted to analyze or judge myself. I just wanted to be nothing for sometime. no attachments, no entanglement, no past, no future. I wanted to know how does it feels to be me and got one answer I am at the right place. Our potential is like this vast sea. Endless and powerful. I wanted to argue with myself a bit more on this. But I saw everyone walking towards the sea as I sat on the boat alone.

I realize maybe it not about me always and every-time. This trip here is not about me, its about all of us. About every individual who managed to get time out of there life for us again by hook or by crook. I don’t know whether It was a common feeling amongst all of us or am I exaggerating it but everyone wanted to be there. If you find it exaggerating you can blame my view. I know something inside everyone was touched personally in this trip however there way of expressing it could be different. I just wanted to say “thank you” to everyone who was with me on this trip Mita, tikka, dhanno, mahabuddy, vipul, sharmaji, darshan, piyu, asha, mekal, panna, hemit, mithun, sumit, naradmuni, madhuja, yadavji and mahadev in the best way I can and this is it. I would like to end this with a few line from a song that I was listening while watching the beautiful scene.

Samundar Lehron Ki Lehron Ki Chadar Odh Ke So Raha Hai Per Mein Jagu Ek Khumari Ek Nasa Sa Ek Nasa Sa Ho Raha Hai
Tu Magar Hai Bekhabar…… Hai Bekhabar
Dil Gira Kahin Par…. Dafatan…..

Post your feedback and comments.

cooking love.

To find a good flat in Bangalore is a very daunting and back breaking task. Especially if you are doing it all by yourself it could take a while. But you know I was lucky enough to find a flat for myself near Mavalli overlooking the beautiful lotus pond. It was at this place I found a new aspect of my creativity. The best part about cooking is that you enjoy it even more if you are doing it for someone special. It gives you that added sense of achievement and responsibility an joy. It isn’t important what you are cooking. “Anything that you cook out of creativity, love and belonging would absolutely taste superb” as told by my roommate.

And this is that part of cooking I like the most.

She was my dance partner back in the college days and was visiting Bangalore for a very short time. Some days I would be so happy with what I cooked that I would brag about it on Whatapp to all. So after knowing that she would be in town I invited and insisted her to come down to my flat for lunch and test my skills and she was equally enthusiastic about me cooking for her.

The next day she arrived at my flat. She was wearing a beautiful white top and blue jeans. She threw her bag in the hall and straight way found her way into the kitchen which was a bit messed up. The kitchen top was L shaped with both wall having big windows facing the lotus lake. I didn’t find it weird as there was no-one else apart from me to give her company that time.

“Do you mind if I sit here” she queried and sat on the empty portion of the kitchen top.

“You are the guest… you are the boss” I said looking at her as she sat at a right angle on my left side.

Then there was a weird silence for a while as I made my way through cutting of onion and tomato.

“you know you remind me of my mother, even when I was at home I would do the exact thing at 6.00 am that you did now and that would make my mom seriously angry…” I said and heard a very sweet giggle “and she would beat me with anything that was handy to her.” And it got converted into a loud laugh as I ended. It was more of a ice-breaker kind of thing.

“Where did you learn to cook” she asked me.

“a little back home while avoiding “mummy ki laat” and rest in this very place and I love it ”. I said

“That’s good to know, I never thought a person like you would cook.” She said.

“Well thank you I take that as a compliment and I hope it wasn’t  sarcastic ” I said to her as the pressure cooker whistle blew.

“but I didn’t  had any other option, it was like a ‘need to cook’ got converted into the  ‘want to cook‘ ” as the second whistle went off. I noticed that she was giving her full attention to what I was telling her. As if there was another communication going on between us. Something that could not be explained in word. It’s what you see in the eyes.

“What about you? What do you feel?” I asked.

“I don’t feel anything I have been doing it from my childhood it more of responsibility that a fun activity for me. ” she replied in a very casual way.

“I don’t think its right..” I said to her looking in the eyes.

“What?” she said with a loud pitch.

“I mean I don’t think it would right for you to sit here while I do the tadaka to dal, and you are wearing a very beautiful white top, and I like white color and I don’t want to spoil it.” I said without breaking the eye contact. I never noticed that she had such beautiful eyes there was a hint of brown and it was a bit transparent. The best part was the transparency of her brown eyeball gave them lot of depth.  Felt like god specially painted her eyes all by himself.

“I won’t mind it” she said and turned slightly to have a look at the lotus lake from the adjacent window. And the sunlight was falling diagonally on her candy brown eyes. The orange sunlight refracting from here eyes mad e her eyes even more mesmerizing and it suddenly changed it color from candy brown to golden dark orange. Like honey.

Then suddenly while starring at the blue shining lake bathing in the chilled winter afternoon of October she started “There is no better way to let go of all your stress than cooking. It one of those creative activity that can be enjoyed all by yourself and make others happy as well with what you create. It that kind of activity where you can actually bake your cake and eat it too… and I mean literally…” there was this really amazing glow that somehow came on her bright dusky face. She had narrow eyebrows that would dance according to her expressions. Her top had very wide neck and only a thin golden chain was ruling that beautiful area. Occasionally a brisk wind would come along and mess her curly dark black hair and she straighten it up by tucking them behind her ears and continued

“it more like doing meditation, you stand with yourself, you take decisions sometime you follow the rule and sometime you just go by your instincts and you enjoy the result. You invent, you play with ingredients and then you just start loving… ”and looked straight into my eyes as she paused. Those magical eyes and those perfect thin eyebrows had me enslaved.  

“and the best part is that is savors more than one of your senses ” I completed her sentence.

And then again there was silence as we enjoyed dal rice and capsicum.

Neither the food nor us made it too the dining table. People say “never let good things pass” It isn’t that I regret it but I wish I had fallen in love with her that day.

please post your valuable comments below.

                                                                   

My hands without rakhi

Being a Christian we don’t believe in festivals like rakhi. To be honest rakhi is one of the most loved festivals as far as I am concerned. There is a special bond between siblings. For a brother his elder sister is like a mother.  Fact about this mother son relationship is that both are of same generation and there is no barrier or communication gap. They both work with same frequency and they know what other person thinks. In short this mother is very chilled out and cool. You can tell your elder sister anything without feeling embarrassing and hesitating and I am sure she would understand.

Similarly for a younger sister and elder brother is like a father of same generation. She can poke,  hit, bite, fight and tease this father and extort  as much money as he can and he would surrender every single penny out of wallet for her.

To be very specific and honest there is a special reason why I am writing this.  Since my childhood every year after rakhi I would see my friends and classmates turning up with there hands filled with rakhi of n  number of shape and size. They used to showoff there rakhi and I would try give them explanation for my empty hands. It seems very stupid now when I think of it but these things used to matter a lot back then.

 It wasn’t until few years later when on the same day me and my brother cried like heal. My mother went to the nearest shop and bought us 2-2 rakhi just to make us happy. The very next day I and my elder brother went to school like hero.

The very next year my dad called a friend of his who had two daughters and hence forth they used to come to our home to tie us rakhi on here kinetic Honda. Also there is this small girl named Rosy in whose house we used to stay when my mom dad would go to work during our childhood. We had neither blood relation nor even far relation. But she used to come every year to my place to tie me rakhi. Her commitment was so strong that if we weren’t at home she would come again the next day.

 I don’t have my own sister but yes I do have cousin sisters both elder and younger but I somehow felt that there presence was missing all the time. There could be reasons and justifications for it. Some of which we chose and some were told to us.  I might be too young to under stand it that time and maybe still am immature for it. This weird though came to my mind a few days back when I was planning to send them some chocolates. For elder sister there was no hesitation but when it came to younger  sisters  lots of if’s and but’s creped in.

“would they understand it” , “why suddenly am I sending them chocolates” i asked myself.

It is since that day I am fighting with this word “understanding”. Because whenever I think of understanding the obvious two words that follows it is compromise and misunderstanding. The existence of understanding is half without misunderstanding. To suppress the obvious occurrence of misunderstanding we tend to subdue it with understanding which is actually a compromise. We will discuss it in detail some other day. But you have to be mature to understand the difference. But be it understanding or misunderstanding I didn’t care of it at that time when my hands used to be empty. Probably this could be the very reason why even they didn’t show up all those year or could be some other reason. What I am doing now I should have done back than

“my dear sisters,

I may be incorrect by the way m doing this. I could be totally wrong about it or maybe expecting too much, but I felt that I should do it. I know that there is a whole lot of thing that I personally missed because I didn’t have sisters. Only a sister can bring-out gentlemen out of his brother. It maybe too late to bring back what passed us but I just don’t want to miss what lies ahead. I know this because I miss all those sister tips and suggestions. Be it the best  hairstyle, clothes, deo for myself or how to chose earings, bangles, gifts and dialogs to impress girl. Specially what to say and what not to say and when to say and how to say.

Now while m sitting in INORBIT MALL vashi I see all around girls carrying rakhi in there bags and tying it to there brothers while sitting in food court. From my home to this huge mall, from peda and laddo to bournvile and dairy milk a lot has changed. Or maybe not. But it reaffirmed my faith in what I feel. Its all about what you want in your life and in such situation what do you chose. Even if its symbolic but I would like to live it. I thank god for giving me such an opportunity to get back what I lost and in the process of doing so got brave enough to accept what I chose. I chose to try and fulfill my responsibility as your brother. ”

Some day they would understand it too like I did but if that day is not today so be it. if not I wouldn’t force them to understand it now. Before visiting the mall I was thinking that I am the only one putting my hand out and making it reachable. But I realize that I am not the only trying to build back a relationship which was rusted and weakened by previous misunderstandings. Something on which neither of us had controlled.

 I miss you bitti akka, Gloria, oshin, swarna, shubbu, sania, hemmu, poppy, rozy(my sisters) and most of all my elder brother allwin lewis (partners in crime)

Happy raksha bandhan.

Feedback and suggestion welcomed.