To be with you. PART-1

“Stop starring all over” she said.

 Trying to get me talked by getting me the Diwali ka chivda and I was least interested in it.

“How could I be starring all over..? It’s not even grammatically correct?” i added trying to be normal even though I was very much tired.

“is there even a sentence of that kind?” I asked to the only other annoyed person and that happen to be to the lady sitting in front of me. I knew a movie like ‘the martian’ is not the one that you could watch with your special ‘anyone!!’. I was anyways late by almost a month in watching it. To add to the woes I had to drag myself all the way to wadala to see it. My disappointment grew when she insisted to tag along  

“I never knew you liked to watch movie with me?” I asked,

 “Talk to me, you wanted na..”She leaned ahead on the chair and answered.

“Not everything is supposed to happen your way always.” I replied

 “I already said that I am sorry” she replied.

“Oh please stop this sorry rant of yours, and I don’t understand why are you saying sorry?” I asked.

 “If there isn’t anything then why are you so fidgety and closed right now? “ I replied.

“look I really wanted to  watch this movie… alone and this fidgety behaviour you are supposedly seeing, is me pulling back to myself… as I finding it hard explain to myself, why the space I created for you remain always empty.” I answered.

Even I was shocked how smoothly and fluently this sentence came out. Maybe it was the starbucks coffee that finally kicked in. for a while there was silence on the other end of the table as she aimlessly stirred.

“See moving that straw round and round would neither make you coffee warmer nor sweeter” deliberately sounding arrogant.

“Previously too you weren’t willing to come, so it won’t surprise me if you wish to leave.” I said standing up.

“But maine aisa kab bola.. I know it’s not about the movie” she followed.

“You never said it directly but it’s visible and you are damn right that it’s not about the movie, it about all the excuses and reasons that you give.” I answered.

“Are woh toh ekdum se plan ban gaya tha.. I told you na!!”She was starting to explain.

“Dekho mujhe aise behaviour expect karne ki aadat ho gayi hai, people sometimes take me so much for granted that at time I am invisible to them and I am perfectly habitual to it…..” I calmly interrupted her.

“…and this closing in reaction is because I wasn’t expecting this from you…again” I finished.

It’s really tough to see such a person in such opposite situation. You would want to convince yourself that it isn’t what it looks like but you are not sure if the other person too wants the same way too.

“plz don’t say like that.. mujhe acha nai lag raha hai” she replied sadly.

I never thought that I would sound so rude to a person that I though was special to me. But the thing is I just couldn’t think any more. Maybe I was just too mentally tired to think more on it. And end up find a conclusion otherwise of what you have concluded. Especially when you turn your world head over heels to find time for this person and they give you the same stupid “busy” excuse. Still you argue with yourself much more before you argue with this person to understand the reason behind his/her excuse and comes up to nothing.

“I always tried to find 10 reasons to be with you, talk to you, see you and you always gave me one reason why you couldn’t .” I said and it was almost time for the movie.

“I am sorry, and I am saying sorry not for what I said or how I am behaving, but because I value you more than this. But unlike you I am not only admitting it but showing it as well.” I concluded

I tore the other half of ticket and kept it under her mobile and said

“Find me inside if and when you feel like talking… otherwise I know you will find your way out as you don’t like to be dependent on anyone for anything”. I said and walked briskly towards screen 3.

Concluding part coming soon………………………

A late night diwali message....

(please consider this just a write-up and nothing else.)
I am watching this Diwali walk past me. I somehow feel that I am sitting in some sort of time capsule, somehow the time for me isn’t just changing and when for a moment when I stepped out all I could see was darkness in sky and distant blinking lights of various colors fighting their own battle of existence in these vast extensions of darkness. Some blinking furiously and some having a strong perseverance and will power to go on …. Non stop.

These are the once that I have placed at my home. I know if whatever I am writing on this Diwali eve is a clear sign that I am “vella”. I wouldn’t even call it vella, coz what I am doing is a task of grave importance to millions of people. At least this is what I always tell my mind. And it is an important task my job profile. I know that there are millions kids like me all around this world. Well let’s face the facts,  not everyone can just stop their job or studies or an operation or sentry duty and just walk his ways back home. Millions like me, and for them their cell phone in their hand is the most convenient and trust worthy was to get in touch with their near and dear ones thousands of miles away.  I feel its my responsibility that their skype, whatapp, viber, and facebook messenger is working. 

 I wished to write something this Diwali as well like previous years but, either you blame it to the circumstance or the events that happened, I just forgot what I had initially planned to write. It’s just that sometimes some people so take you for granted that you are as good as invisible to them.  It’s just really hard to digest such a behavior. There is very little that you can do on your end when there is absolutely nothing left to be done for such a person. It like you start walking on a straight line but after a while you end up taking a circle and back to the same point. It even frantic when you think you are wrong and again start to walk hoping that this time you won’t repeat the mistake, you again end up in the making a circle and an epic fool out of yourself.

You wonder whether your judgment is wrong or you analysis of the situation. My intention in writing this is not to point out mistakes or hold anyone responsible (which were precisely my reason at the beginning). My purpose was to find an answer to it, either by finding a good reason for such a behavior or by convincing myself otherwise.

Maybe I have ran out of patience, maybe I am expecting thing from wrong directions, maybe this MBA and work as polluted my natural self or maybe it is just my tired mind making up things. Or maybe it’s the absence of a goal or maybe i am habitual of being busy. Maybe my mind behave normally when it’s loaded with things to do. The worked up places of my mind which are now beginning to get empty could be the source of these ghost thoughts. Maybe I need to get back to being efficiently utilizing my mental resources. I just hope its not sounding like becoming selfish. It’s not like that.  I know, I am known for what I do. And its preciously what I need to do again.

I know if not all, something is defiantly not correct in me. If I am able to give so much space in my life to such a person again and again, and if still that person is failing to acknowledge it… still.. Then I am sure whatever I am thinking is not wrong. keeping someone a motivation is absolutely not wrong, however keeping expectation could be. 

Being alone in Diwali did actually helped me to realize this, hell lot of time and not a pinch of work for me. I am hoping that this article gets the least hits. it’s something that don’t even want to remember, but looking on the brighter side, it still tells me… it’s not worth GIVING-UP.  That’s exactly what I would do. I would still look up to her. I remember making her my inspiration some time back. I would still look up to her that way. But with a little less enthusiasm and expectation, gladly thing that I gave my best again and it was just overlooked…..again.
Hoping that I am proved wrong, at least this time.


Happy Diwali….

what I learned with traveling.

Its been very long since I posted anything on my blog, but now I am back and it feels good.

Initially i was planning to post something else but ended up with this.

I am very much new to all this traveling and trekking things, but I cant tell you how much I love it.

I always felt that traveling is one of the best ways to get lost and find yourself at the same time. another true fact about traveling is that you done get this traveling feel on your own. It's is always inspired by others. In other words you always get this travelers kick from others and same would be the case with me. One of the most amazing thing happens when you realize that you love it and how foolish was it of you that you didn't realize it earlier.
But its still one of those feeling that soon gets over your mind and you just don't want to let this thing die in your mind.
I don't know what traveling means to others, or how different people interpret it. But for me traveling is like I said at the beginning a way to get lost and find myself all at same time.

it's the journey where I feel like I am finding myself. all the more because you have very little to do in your journey. It's like the longer the journey the more time you get to be with yourself. It is one of those things that all would agree is a must. it's strange how our thoughts makes us run all the place in our normal days. Infact there are very few normal days if you call yourself a normal person. Specially when by the end of the day you feel like tumhare dimag ka adark lehsun ho gaya.
I love to stare out of the window while traveling... staring at nothing at times for hours and hours. it like my mind goes into a hibernating mode. As if very few sense are working and your vision being one of those sense that's not.
Its in these moment I find myself deep within myself. Some random song lines just keeps on repeating over and over again endlessly. And you don't even realize how that song came into your mind in the first place.
And with each repeatation you fall deeper and deeper in you own rabbits hole. You are not even aware and your mind is getting serviced up.
Although sleep is the best way to recharge mind but it happens subconsciously... whereas here I feel it is happening consciously and how much little I have traveled this is what I have learned. The farther you stare while moving the more deeper you get connected with your self.
 At least once in your life just travel not for the sake vacation, or holiday or keeping a destination in mind but just for the sake of journey. to be very specific to feel this feeling of being with yourself and traversing to from a place, through places to the unknown.
that why people say that it's more about the journey than destination.
 Traveling is incomplete without a destination. perhaps its one of those situations where the meaning and existence of one is incomplete without the other. Such would the case with traveling. The meaning of traveling itself is incomplete without destination.
I did most traveling this year and still plan to do more before the year ends destinations always being different and challenging in their own way. Like I said earlier once you get habitual with being comfortable even in uncomfortable situation, no destination is tough or difficult or easy as a matter of fact. It just seems like a challenge and a chance to conquer. Conquer the unknown. Its my personal experience that I have lost my regular self in such places. someone else comes up in me, and this someone just is a different me. Sometimes it's the one that used to be myself years back, and sometimes it's a completely new me. Challenging your known self with an unknown destination is one thing I would suggest everyone to take.
Besides talking about it factually life may not be so comfortable all the time after all.
When it comes to survival, the more you know the more its helpful.
Life may not be so blissful always. Knowing how hard you can push your strength is a necessity Besides what a life worth living if you don't explore the unknown.
And this is valid not only externally in world but internally within your own mind as well.

LIFE IN ITSELF IS A JOURNEY... SO WHY NOT JUST TRAVEL A BIT ....IN THIS JOURNEY.