Last post....2017

So here we are again. At the end of one hell of a year. And this comes to you from a place that I least expected to find myself had you asked me to predict it at the beginning of the year. I was looking to own this year like a boss before it began. But then the way it ended was totally not what I expected. 

One heavy word it is… ‘Expectations’.

I hate to admit it but this year took more out of me than it gave me back. And not just on professional front but on personal as well. I was never and still not afraid of losing nor was I afraid of giving fight a fight back. This would surely be my last post for the year. Some might say I have ignored my blog for quiet too long this year. But trust me the writing didn’t stop. A hell of lot was written this year. Some for my dream, some to my dream and rest about my dream. All in all I believe I never wrote as much as I did this year. One thing I learned with writing is patience and dealing rejection. Another thing this teaches you is no one worries about your dream as much as you do it.

The best part of writing was it helped me channelize my thoughts and ideas. On a personal level, it did feel a bit disappointing to know that not everyone understands it. Or probably they just don’t care, or are really too ignorant about it.

It’s strange… no matter how hard one tries to convince others specially about a shared dream or ambition it really is not easy. This task becomes all the more difficult If the person is just not ready to accept the truth.

I too find myself guilty of this acceptance thing. It was just that I was trying to test what people say so many time with pride and honour.

I tried to test the line ‘love knows no language, caste or religion’. And based on my experience this year I say this without a doubt that it’s a big fat lie.

I don’t know what else to say. Being logical it’s hard to accept even understand such things. It was one shitty experience to deal with. I was told that love is the purest form of emotion. It seems hardly anyone knows about this too. I failed to convince and I am failing to understand the reason for the same as well.

Again perhaps the acceptance part is still missing.

Not loving someone with a fear of failure is equivalent to betrayal. The only difference being you are not betraying the other insignificant person but yourself. And in the two this “myself” matters most. People who still think otherwise I feel are still slaves. Perhaps they are still deprived of freedom. Freedom to act on what they think is right and correct. Or maybe I have been on the other side of the grass for too long to see it this way. I really wish they get freedom from whoever or whatever is stopping them from acting on what was taught to them.

My teachers use to say. Love is about giving and surrendering. But before that is the acceptance itself. Nothing can be corrected or mobilised unless acceptance is there. And it goes to me as well. And perhaps it’s a challenge for me as well to accept the acceptance.

The other most important thing I learned out of all this is that it’s possible.

If the intentions are right and efforts are genuine. One needs to have this believe within. I have seen it I have experience it and hence I say that its possible. Losing everything and then getting it back is possible.

Not giving up is the first step towards this. The very few good things that I learned this year these two are the most prominent ones. Because together both made me fearless at the end. one and only thing out of my 2017 bucket list I could achieve. And if you remember I said in the beginning this year took a lot then what it gave me back. And off everything it took from me it gave me this thing.

It would be unjust if I make this all about me but then the others who mattered to me, I didn’t matter much to them. I am an optimist more than a realist contrary to many. And I am not ashamed to admit it. I believe in my faith still. And my faith is love.

With hopes that all steps that I took towards my dream will materialize in 2018, and all that I lost will only be a learning lesson. My life runs on motivation and inspiration. I never doubted myself I hope the me inside myself does the same. Many walked away, many have forgotten many are avoiding and many are I guess just too ashamed or egoist to find their way back.

But I believe life is too short to live with regrets…say it now do it now.

And I am just a ping away.

Cheers to an exciting year that was and optimist one to come!!!

20 Unread Messages

20 unread messages last of which was ‘you are so shameless!!!’

Strange to see how one can be judged so easily and how convenient is it for anyone to attach such an adjective. Specifically when its use to define other individual of the two. Problem is not using it but the discomfort arises when a person uses it over as an individual whom they know for a long time. And if the behavior of the accused was in lines of the words then probably it is understandable. But not otherwise. And still if such an allegation is made then there has to be some grounds for it. 

And if it so then some work is needed to be done. Not only by accused but if it is not correct then some introspection is suggested to the victim who claimed the other person of it. 

The next obvious question one would be asking is, what are the grounds for one to say such a thing? There has to be some thought put into it either before saying it or after being heard. Mine would be the second case, since it wasn't thought off before.

Well there you go again, this blog will again receive a very heavy dose of some really complex thoughts. I will take the privilege to do so as well. Again hoping to find some answer by the time I end the write-up. The last I remember someone called me shameless was way back in my school. It was a repeated rhetoric we use to hear from our teacher back then.  But it was the very institute that taught us how to respect and behave as well and we still stand by it i suppose.

This last unread message reminded me of those days. And perhaps we were a bit shameless back then and we are not at all ashamed about it. We belonged to an all-boys school but our teachers did taught respect, behavior and manners to everyone. 

I still did not go through the rest of 19 messages that are still left unread. The other person had reasons to send them and I had my own reasons for not reading it.The content of those 19 messages do matter. I can only guess it will be filled with either excuses or bad things, just like the last message. I don’t know what more to write. In such a judgmental world it’s hard to understand where to stop, what all to include and how much to explain. I guess it is the kind of mentally one develops once they stay on the other side, the logically correct side of the fence for long.

The side where your beliefs are ones that you are convince off. That fits the logic you have developed out of your education and learning. It’s the side where you can understand difference between a genuine problem and bullshit. It’s the side which develops this new right understanding of the right thing and wrong thing in you. And it was the very reason why those 20 messages are still unread. And I can only assume based on this last message that above mentioned thing was missing from the sender of all those 20 messages.

Probably it had anger more than logic I suppose. The other person, if asked would promptly justify the reason for this angered outburst. But like I said if you are on the other side of the fence you can easily understand the difference. The angered reaction from the other side was due to an angered action from this side. For me all that matters the most is time. Because I know we all have for a very limited duration. It was all I seeked, and it was the only thing the other side didn’t have. Not even 5 or 10 minutes. If asked about any future scope of little time the answer was “Pata nai”.

And that’s how the angered action and reaction started. I don’t know whether i missed a specific Hindi class back in the school when my teachers taught the meaning and the use of these two words together. Or they were taught a different meaning of these two words to the one who used the word shameless as descriptive word. 

Now I have two words whose meaning I would like to know. And how different it is from the ones I knew and was taught back then and still remember.

Because one of us needs to get our vocabulary corrected and this would really help. Some very common knowledge is missing in one of us and if it is in me I would definitely like to get it corrected. 

It feels a bit funny now. We are almost 750 words into the write-up and I still know what would be the obvious response if I ask the same person the same question in a different or in a simpler way the answer will still be the same. 

Contrary to that I am still willing to understand and learn something that I might have missed will growing up and learning how to respect people and the time we have in this life. If not then our value for each other is nothing more than one of those plastic bags handed back to that person and which later you see on the sides of railway track, contents of which are nothing more than scarp and liabilities.

Even more funny is that to get the anger discharged one tries to call 10 times but is not willing to give one call to tell that you cannot fulfill the one help sorted from you. I don’t like to judge people but one can understand the guilty person here. Perhaps different perceptions will make you pick sides. I would suggest optimism and conservatism to choose from.

Strange isn’t it!!! Everyone knowledge and logic goes well until you read the last line above and yet call people shameless. 

Something to contemplate I think…..

Happy shravan maah.

The Birth Date !!!!

Hello, ma’am.

So here were again back to the blog. It’s been quite a while now that I have written anything on this blog. I haven’t forgotten about it nor bored out of it but was waiting for the right thing.

Perhaps the right kind of inspiration was missing to write something again here. And then this date came along in the calendar, 28^th may. And why is….no no no….was…was today so important? It is because it’s your birthday again. I know I will again draw a lot of flak for doing this. It’s not that I miss you all the time or something but yes there are times when life reminds me of you. I don’t blame myself or you for being in such a spot. But the date makes it’s hard.

People say that I have become self-centered in the past couple of months. Well, some have used words like egoistic and ghamandi as well. But I disagree with them. I have just become quieter than before. Centered? Yes. I indeed find myself being centered. And that too because of writing I suppose. And then the nature of my work requires me to be centered at times as well. But then there was a time when I was just worried about my work and did nothing else and then I realize that it is just not working for me. I guess abhi adat ho gayi hai iski.

Why am I writing this? I think it was just waiting for the right occasion. I argued with myself whether today is still an occasion or not. Or it just some date in the calendar that I tried to forget but couldn’t, at least for this year.

I don’t wish to tell whether I still miss you or not. It’s such an irrelevant thing to be said at this point of times. It’s not because I am still trying to ignore the facts and reality or something? But it’s just a common simple fact that…. logo ko koi farak nai padta. They really don’t care. In fact, even you wouldn’t care to know it, I suppose.

I don’t blame you but seriously, people actually don’t care. Or even if they do, it comes with what we call as ‘terms and conditions’ with a raised asterisk in the bottom of a page. And the funny part is that you can include anything under that asterisk and it becomes a rule. Like a conditional support. Even if they don’t have solid grounds to prove it or convince themselves of doing it yet they do it. And upon asking the reasons for doing it all you get to hear is……..well… what the hell…

You will only hear a bunch of repeated excuses. And then if you try to get a clarification on that you will get more excuses.

Like I said ki logo ko sach me koi farak nai padta hai. Perhaps they have becomes so selfish that see the same thing in me as well. Or maybe I have spent way too long on the other side of the fences to see and understand excuses for their selfish behavior.

This weird writing style of mine reminds me of a time when I had just started writing.  It was a time before I meet you. People can relate to it as well by reading some of my older stuff.

For some, it’s very complicated style of writing to read and understand, but for me, it feels like my soul is flowing out. Probably my soul too is complicated or maybe it’s just my thoughts. But it was the date… that reminded so many things good and bad both. I know that it’s not right to compare but since we are here on this date let’s do the comparison just for the sake of comparison because a comparison that has to be drawn about a certain individual.

The next question would be “ladki hai kya??”

And I would say “haan ladki….. but hai…. Ya thi pata nai”

A person I meet while I tried (like many said) to move on. Someone who again felt right and correct.

 I feel sorry to admit it but it is true that when you get this ‘I don’t care wala attitude’ from a person you looked up to is tough to digest. And this one of those things that made me write as well.

Sometimes blinded priorities are seen as selfishness. Or maybe it is just another perspective of things. Trust me If I can tell you I so much wish Guruji’s knowledge in the people I know Because it teaches use selflessness. And, yaha toh sab ulta he lagta hai. I gave her this book ‘Celebrating Silence’ by Guruji. I hoped that it would help me to help her. But hahaha….. She never opened it nor read it. And when you ask for reason… well, you get a whole bunch of excuses. But when you see hope and optimism that’s when you don’t give up.

It wasn’t that I didn’t give her many opportunities. But sadly I didn’t get an opportunity back. Reason pucho toh koi stupid sa hota hai.

But why am I writing it all down that too under the word such as ‘comparison’ because I wish to bring it in picture here. I have my valid reasons for it as well. Because of this person, a person like you. With whom I wished to correct all my mistakes, with whom I wanted to undo some things while with you, with whom I wished to accomplish things that I couldn’t with you. With whom I could again push to be a better person. With whom I can again find something about me that is still hidden from me. But unfortunately, she is one of those people who doesn't care. Jinko farak nai padta. No matter how hard or badly you try. I hoped to change at least one person’s perspective about me my faith, my beliefs, and life. But what to do when a person lies to herself only?

  
I agree that I have changed. I have learned better things. I am still trying to break the stereotype. But the worst feeling while trying to do it all is that people are just not willing to give you that opportunity. Perhaps there is no willingness to accept. Accept the right thing which might seem tough but it is the right thing. Instead,   we go with the wrong thing because it is easy. And while we go along people still somehow find ways to align their selfishness with this flow. 

Like I said, maybe I have spent too much time being on the other side of the mirror. Long enough not to lie to own self least in the eye. And in this comparison, you come because least you gave me the opportunity this one didn’t. Also, the fact that you trusted me and this don'tsn’t and you believed and this one doesn’t.  But the toughest of all was that I couldn’t convince this girl I love that I loved her. 

Oh shit!!!! I again know that this statement too will draw a lot of flak on me. But indeed I have corrected myself and improved a lot since you are left. I still have not learned to give up on the right things. I guess I am going way out of my line while writing this, and probably if any realistic person read this he too will say that I tried to slip my agenda into it as well. 

And this is right as well because this is the only platform left with me to communicate with both of you. And probably this date finally motivated me to put it up finally. I am not looking for any redemption or fallback or anything like that. I know it impossible happens and that’s because in this world where everyone seems selfish… in saab baton se kisi ko bhi koi bhi farak nai padta.

Not the right way to end this write-up I suppose. So here is a pseudo-happy ending of it.

(pseudo…. Because aajkal market me yeh word bohot chal raha hai)

Jokes apart…. Happy birthday to you and All the best.

maya si lagti hai zindagi yeh....
na rehke bhi reh gayi...
aur fir reh ke bhi na reh payi yeh...

my stupid valentines story

I wish I could be as stupid as I was  back in the college days. Doing all the crazy childish stuff during and around the valentine's day. Not to mention the never ending excitement we would have even though deep down we knew that nothing is going to happen of this excitement.

Optimism I suppose it was, that made us felt that something magical might happen on valentine's day, specially when we were a mediocre engineering student in a small town.

Well there you go I have spilled the beans already and we have barely started. Anyways.... what the hell!!

And guess what I was a hardworking engineer yet i flunged. So rest assure there were very remote possibility of a girl I liked may reciprocate in the same way. But yes there was. 'was' . Now she is a mother of a beautiful baby girl.

I may have to apologize for breaking this to you too. But the best part about it, the whole thing we had, had the innocence behind it. Or to correctly rephrase, the stupidity behind it. why I say it so because love is stupid and it happens to stupid people only. But then somehow maturity kicks in. 

You suddenly become very smart and intelligent and evaluative and the love just vanishes.
I accept, that stupid feeling I had 7 year back was better than this matured crap thing I get to hear always nowadays.

I feel maturity has indeed ruined how we love, if not atleast it has tried to manipulate it.
So much so that we are scared to even accept others love for us and that is the toughest part. I mean how can you convince someone about your love if that person is not even ready to accept her own feelings?
How can you tell truth to a person who lies even to herself?
The best thing one can do is try and try a bit more. 

I did find someone again and did manage to make that little space in her heart for me. But it wasn't easy.
I also managed to squeeze it out of her after a 4 hour long grilling session one day. Finally!!!
She had probably said NO 40-50 times before she finally said yes. 

Well not exactly a yes but we did end up on a common agreement which I will write in the end so stay on. Atleast that's what she sounded.

But that made me think why was she so much hesitant? Love is the most natural and unadulterated form of emotion and yet you refuse to acknowledge it? It's like you stand in front of the mirror and lie to your own self. It's just that one has to be brave enough. 

Brave enough to accept that you can love and can be loved again. I did manage to convince her after a long time 3 years to be precise, but my attempts and efforts are useless if she just isn't ready to accept. Acceptance is the first and foremost thing. Resiprocation and response comes later. Commitment comes after that much later. How come suddenly this commitment thing came in her mind as a reason for denial?

We had a past, I already told her. But she didn't tell me, I understood it by her behavior and it never mattered to me and it still doesn't. I can only assume the same for her. Then what is the difference between me and her?
Then it just clicked.

Perhaps she is matured now and I am still in that stupid state.
The purpose of maturity is not to influence your love.
It's not a gift to be practiced with love. 

when I understood this I requested her many times, if you don't feel the way I feel for you then just walk away saying it on my face. Practice your maturity now on me or else be honest and stupid enough to atleast acknowledge it. Either move forward or back out completely.
But herein lies the problem. She was neither willing to act completely mature nor stupid.
I in the past, and now as well kept this maturity thing out of love.

If it makes me look like a stupid so be it. It doesn't matter to me.
kyuki pyar me koi logic nai hota hai ... aur jaha logic hota hai waha pyar nai hota.

I don't know what is going on in her mind but I know what is going on in mine. I am still thinking about her as my fingers are filling these blank white spaces with words and letter.

I have heard many realistic people saying that you don't need a valentine's day to express your Love and respect. But if you go with my logic, well you cannot act stupid 365 days of a year too.
so what if a red rose costs you 20 bucks on this day or a card you bought was of 300 rupees or you choose to take a costly cab home to reach early and fresh rather than public transport so be it. Or maybe you knew what surprise your partner has planned for but still you act surprise so do it.

It's like why go to  Krishna's temple on his birthday if he is omnipresent. Love is beyond logic like how divine is.

Although she made an absolute mess of the last surprise I gave her but still I wanted to give her something this valentine's day. Even if it just a smile. I know her smile is a gazillion times better than mine but still it's the least I can do.
Because love is stupid.

I am still working on whatever there is between me and her. I know that possibility of our relationship achieving success is bleak. Why I say so is because I am a Christian guy and she is a Maharashtrian lady. So herein lies biggest issue.
 

Lady I referred to her because the way she carries her sari is amazingly graceful.

But all that matters now is whats  there between us now and that is what allways had mattered to me. If it sounds stupid so be it. I don't care. So much so that her birthday gift by me was a drawing or tattoo design of the word tathastu on her white power bank cover which she simply and  totally over looked.

But I think I still love her and more than that I respect her. Still I wish to give her a red rose and chocolate on that day, if it sounds stupid so be it. I just hope she accepts it with her glossy smile and i manage to see that beautiful sparkle in her coffee brown eyes.

And that what love is and that's what valentine's day is all about.
I hope this message reaches her and  I could get a chance to wish her happy valentine's day in the most unique way through this story.

So be stupid and keep loving.
cheers.....

PRESENT DAY: none of the above mentioned tasks could be accomplished... like i said. here realism manage to beat optimism. 

this was a write up which i had submitted for a writing competition on www.sweek.com website.  i am uploading it here as the last day of the judging ended yesterday. 

FYI: its a piece of fictional writing. please draw no relevance.

I am  not uploading much since am working on a bigger writing project. So keep reading, keep liking and pray to almighty that i can successfully complete this project soon.

HUM HAI RAHI PYAAR KE..... FIR MILENGE CHALTE CHALTE.