“sach me … tumko
koi farak nai padta na?”
I typed this
sentence one more time. Although it wasn’t the first time I had asked it. But this
time some where I felt that it is different. I had typed this sentence so many
times on whatsapp that it even remembered it and suggested the next word as
well.
It was just
past 10:00 pm at night when I texted her and it is almost a week now that we
last talked. We hardly talked, honestly we mostly chatted. Somehow this feeling
was sinking in that actually she doesn’t care and it’s really hard to say this
now.
Yes. I have so
many times like before, had asked this question to myself before I gather the
courage to ask her, again maybe for the last time I felt. And yes I know what
would be the usual response, but when your life runs on optimism and faith you always
hope that perhaps this time the reply could be different.
As long as
there was even a slightest of possibility that her reply could be different,
the question was worth asking.
There may be
reasons for your way of life, maybe the ways you think, behave and believe, say
and act. And then… there reasons or categorically saying excuses. They are the
other kind of reasons where every time you get to hear something new for same
kind of act repeated over and over again. Trust me I have now heard all of it.
What to do
when you have the right kind of feelings for this person. This feeling that is
constant irrespective of the situations and circumstance. Where what you do and
what you say is correct. That’s because your faith and belief tell you that it
is the right path. And then there is this person who tries to find various paths
so as to not accept the truth.
I am sure if
you would have read the previous part you might be expecting that she did made
her way to the seat next to me. Surprise!!!....
Surprise!!!.
She never
made it to the seat next to me.
I wasn’t
surprised at all, but yes, disappointed because I thought I was having right
kind of expectations from the right person. But it was anyways going to be her default
reaction. And doing anything otherwise would have been interesting.
I am not
here to blame anyone for anything, just to introspect. But yes she never made
it to the seat. And there is no point in asking her as well. Because all you
will end up hearing is a bunch of excuses and lies.
All said to hide the basic truth and every
single attempt to cover the one and only one truth. And it was that one truth
that she had realised and felt but wasn’t ready to accept and say.
That one
simple truth was that I had broken the jinx of her heart. That I had seen the
depths of her heart through those brown eyes and that her feeling for me were
no longer a secret. Her heart was clearly visible through her eyes. It use to surprise
me how come nobody saw the same in her eyes what I saw before. Or did she only
meet ass holes before??
Her heart
was clearly visible through those eyes and they said it, and they said that we
are telling the truth and she is telling lies. She said its nothing like that,
that she doesn’t feel it that way. That I never ever made her heart go bunny
hopping and skip a beat and that she never felt like liking me. And the fact
that she was scared of accepting it.
I don’t know
the reason why she could be scared. Or maybe it could be my grave
misunderstanding like her.
But when
your faith tells you that what you feel is something way beyond love you just
have to accept it. And what else do I have apart from my faith to call my own. And
my faith tells me what I saw in those eyes and felt were not misunderstanding
and if I am brave enough to accept it than its tough to believe otherwise.
It is such an irony when you see motivation
and inspiration in that person. Where your every effort of every day is to make
that person proud of you. When all you want is to see her smile and hear her
clap in your success and happiness. When you correct and improve yourself
everyday so to be acceptable. Where you wait for months and month, adjust your
schedule and then adjust a little bit more to get little time to talk because
your faith and patience tells you that it is worth it. When you get angry,
disappointed, sad and frustrated by constant excuses, yet you forget everything
once looking in those amazing beautiful brown eyes.
Where just
holding her hands while you walk and then dance a bit of salsa is the extent of
physical contact that comes in your mind when you are with her, where you wish
to learn guitar so as to play her favourite songs and where every art you
create has a hint of her in it. And you end up respecting her more than you
love her.
And on the
contrary, she sees nothing beyond name. Where her decisions and feeling is
decided by the place of worship I go. And my intentions and expressions are
suspected to be as an attempt to get something even more physical out of her.
I may be wrong; it could be my
misunderstanding or maybe a false perception about name and everything I wrote.
But when a certain individual, society and universe had a chance to break this
false perception of mine all it ended up giving were a bunch of excuses. It chose
to hide behind these rhetoric excuses instead of saying and accepting what her
heart felt. And it felt what I felt.
Even if the
acceptance meant that we never talked, saw or recognised each other in public. Because
I know that society is hypocrite. But when the person itself becomes hypocrite
than its not good.
Hence we
again come back to the first line, the question that we asked.
And well you
would have guessed it. She replied----- “NO” @ 10:01.
Kyuki log naam me mazhab, vishwas me dharam aur jazbat me hawas
dhund lete hain.
Just a mere
acceptance of truth would have been enough.
One of my
reader suggested that I do a happy ending of this “To be with you” series, but unfortunately
I couldn’t.
I just hope someday
when I become a decent writer to be interviewed and on that day upon being
asked “what is the one thing that you couldn’t do in your life?” I don’t end up
answering….
“I couldn’t convince
a girl I loved that I loved her……”
I haven’t given
up nor shall I will. I have just surrendered it to the almighty….the universe.
Thank you.
If your religion requires you to hate
someone, you need a new religion.
