I could not hear what she wanted to say and she could not
speak what I wanted to listen
5th jan 2014
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4:30 pm: AOL international center, Kanakpura
road:
I never felt
keeping my mouth shut for 4 days would be such a daunting task. A mere thought of being unable to communicate
with the world used to terrify me to a great extent. It feels like a volcano of
thoughts has accumulated in your mind waiting to explode but has no escape
route. And the best way of disposing this uncontrolled flow of thoughts was to
talk to inner self.
When BAWA
tells you that there should be utter silence, he is damn serious about it.This
order is followed by a gentle reminder- “There shouldn’t be any sort of
communication, neither eye contact not even a gesture” DINESH bhaiya had said.
And when
Bawa & Dinesh Bhaiya say, you are bound to follow it. As a matter of fact
you don’t have a choice other than trusting them; and feel that awesome feeling
that I felt within. And since I have completed the 4 day silent exile, I am at
utter loss of sense to keep track of time.
Now it’s
almost time to leave. To describe in a better way it helped me to isolate my
mind of some unwanted thoughts. Thoughts that played hide and seek within my
mind and would pop-up in the most unimaginable situations. It’s really amazing
how few days on silence and detachment from your regular self can streamline
your thought process.
As I sat on
the footsteps of Visha-lakshmi Mantap waiting for my CAB to arrive I thought
‘is there something wrong with me’. Spontaneously turned my head and looked at
the gigantic lotus structure of VM, said “am I ever gonna comeback to this
place?”
But even
after trying to convince myself in all possible ways, forms and belief there
was only one word instinctively and unconsciously came out of my mouth “NO”. Before
I could understand whether the “NO” was for what I thought or what I said a
grey colored TATA Indica KA-05 DC-052 entered through gate number 1 and stood
in front of me. In no time the driver pounced out grabbed my bag and said “sir,
Sunday evening…traffic much….very much” and brought me back into reality.
“Hurry!!hurry!!sir..Bangalore traffic very tough” L. Kumar shouted as he threw my bag inside the car. He was
so convincing with what he said that I never felt to have a final look back at
VM. Within no time we were on the road towards Banergatta destination being
BIA.
6:15 pm: somewhere in Bangalore city:
As kumar
navigated through the swirling and super packed Bangalore traffic I was finding
it difficult to keep my eyes ajar. We hardly slept for 2 hrs after getting out
of silence. I just closed my eyes and was knocked out for good 40 minutes. i don’t
know weather it was sleep or feeling of Trans but it felt very cool on a mental
level as cold wind swept past my face at 80km/hr. A mixer of anticipation,
curiosity, fear and excitement took over me as I saw the BIA which looked very
much similar to USS Enterprise of Star Trek
6:40 pm: kemegowda international
airport (BIA):
The
probability of you getting lost in an airport which operates domestic and
international operations from a common structure is very high. After a certain point all directional signs seem
useless. Few months back the situation was same just the location was
different. Back then I stood outside with a big ‘HOW?’ and now I am on the
inside with a even bigger ‘why?’. Until
that I point I didn’t even bother to remember what was the reason for which I
wanted to spend this one week all by myself. With No whats-app, no facebook and
no phone calls.
Because somewhere
in that RUN & CHASE I had lost myself.
“Why didn’t she turn back?” I asked myself
sitting on a chair near gate 3.
Its good
that visitors are not allowed inside the airport. some burdens are too heavy to
carry till the last point. Although relations seem to make you stronger it
somewhere weakens you as well. Some so precious that they become a part of your
DNA and presents itself in your day-to-day behavior. From what I understood in
25 mins in the security area I can say is that when there is burden there is no
room for dreams.
Somethings
in life are much more worthwhile. Its even worth letting go a few things of
your own. Some people have a better aim or a very strong and passionate dream
or an intense personal goal to achieve. It’s the root of a tree that provides
strength and holds the leaf from falling apart. But to fly with the wind the leaf
must detach itself from the tree. Maybe that’s true love must give you….
FREEDOM.
7:40 pm: GATE 3 departure:
Now
everything seemed more bright and lively. Also our flight announcement had
happened making us move towards the bus parked in the airport bay, which then
took us to the far end of the taxi bay where our plane was parked. Some people
come in your life to stay forever, some just escort you to a better place and
then walk away. And walking away is never easy. This thought sank into me as I
turned back to see the dark bengaluru city one last time and said
“maybe….someday..”.
Maybe she
would have cried, maybe she had a poker-face or maybe she hadn’t. But one thing
is certain that I did occupy some share of her thoughts that day. Believing
that you have walked away and actually walking away are two different things. Sometimes
it’s good not to turn back once you walk. I never realized when the air craft
started to roll out of the Ramp into the taxi bay and was on the far end of the
runway. Also that the air hostess had finished her in-flight security detail
while I gave her a cold dead stare. As I tried to apply my engineering skills
to complicate the simple seat belt ritual the plane had already taken off.
Suddenly I
remembered something that I used to tell her every time “never say goodbye to
me, because I don’t believe in such a thing”.
9:35 pm: 28,000fts @ 970km/hr.
And then
there was again silence outside and calmness inside. No thoughts, no words and
no sound. Just a sense of admiration and satisfaction. People never ‘GOODBYE’
out of your life. When they come they are here to stay, not the way we want but
in there own unique way. Two weeks back just a stray thought about her would
buy me a one way ticket to hatred and anger but now I was actually smiling as I
looked at her London pics on FB. Finally there was acceptance. Now all that’s
left was the sorrow for those letters.
“Those
letters don’t matter anymore, you would eventually tear them..Right? So I did
it myself” she said.
“You tore a
part of me along with them. Why?” I had replied back then.
I guess I
didn’t cry about us breaking up but because of her lying to me and tearing
those letters. I think that they were a sign of trust amongst us. The only
thing positive that can be drawn from this is that she helped me realize that
love never dies off once it comes into existence, it just gets transformed. I
guess even she fulfilled her promise, by making me love writing again.
Its just
that it took her LONG walk without turning back, a broken heart, week long
silence and 28,000 fts @970km/hr to realize it.
So here I am
again, waiting. I haven’t given up, neither love nor my dreams. still seeking that
simple and special girl. All I expect you is to be my inspiration and
motivation.
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feedback and comments are welcomeSpecial thanks to Sunny Bhatia and Kishore Pathak for there valuable input to complete it. thank you so much guys.
