“Aaj fatte hue khato ko dekh kagaz k tukdo ki ehmiyat samajh ayi.” 9th oct 2013
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Present
day 9:30 AM, Ghatkopar station:
I questioned myself, “How
can someone be so irresponsible?”
After being made aware
by me of the facts that the central line of Mumbai suburban local is extremely
unpredictable on weekends still they chose to go Kalyan to her aunt’s place
yesterday. I also told them that they would have to travel in local today
morning in peek hours but they straight away overlooked my advice…
I questioned myself
again “Why am I doing it?” as vivid thoughts about her crowded my memory like
morning rush at Ghatkopar station.
Although this wasn’t
the first time I had questioned this to myself. I had recently asked this
question twice at different instances, first when I agreed to her brother’s
request to help them so that she could board her flight to London and second
when I met them at CSTM station and suggested them to stay at a hotel nearby
instead of going Kalyan so as to avoid
morning rush. They didn’t give a shit to either of my opinion. Here I am again
waiting for them since 7:00 AM at a time which was decided the previous day. Again
I kept my words but she didn’t.
It’s almost a year now
since we broke up. I am not sure about how other break-ups happen as there was
no drama involved in mine. The best part was- It happened over a phone. Maybe for
both of us it was the best way. We knew we couldn’t lie to each other upfront
and this would help us in hiding our shortcomings as well. I thought the best
way to gulp it was doing it in a single go and say “koi nai… chalega… no
tension”. On the other hand she would have thought I might win her back again
and convince her. Both of us preferred the ‘chickened out’ solution. And in a
few days both of us realized that the page had already turned. Actually it was
she, who first thought of moving on and promptly went ahead with her thoughts. Perhaps
the pace of life was different for both of us. Neither I could run fast nor could
she wait much. It was destined…
“Bloody am I the only
one worried about her… what’s wrong with them?” – The concerning question took
over my thought process. I tried to dial her number which was mugged up a long
time ago; perhaps my fingers remembered the digits better than me.
But all of a sudden the
memories of yesterday encircled my mind. When all we had to say to each other
was a cold and formal “Good Morning”. It was almost a forced wish. Neither did
she try to talk to me nor was I expecting so from her. It’s very strange to
realize such behavior from a person who was once your
motivation. I played with my Nokia 520 while thinking about it and in disgust I
threw it back in my pocket.
9:45
AM, Ghatkopar station:
Her Dad called me to
notify that they had reached Ghatkopar safely amid of utter Mumbai crowd. “Are
beta sorry actually who…” her dad started to apologize which sounded more of an
explanation.
“Not an issue we are
here that’s all matters now…lets go” I quickly interrupted him and rushed them
towards the taxi stand on the west side of station. Although her brother was trying to be smart
with his weird idea about going till Santa Cruz via Dadar which sounded
absolutely stupid considering the lack of time that we had. Her father noticed that I was sulking and
tired and pissed off at them as I was waiting since 7 am in morning that too
after doing a night shift. Straight away he followed me. I rushed them to the
taxi stand and in no time we were heading towards Chtarapati Shivaji
International Airport. As we travelled towards Sakinaka from Ghatkoper there
was a strange silence inside the taxi. Apart from the usual and occasional
question to the driver “Kitna time lagega bhaiya?”
Sensing that I was in a
bad mood his dad tried to strike up a conversation with me inquiring about my
work and all. But there was little he could understand about CX600 , ISP’s, Routing
protocols, Shift handover and 48-fiber.
Between this unexpected
job interview and complaining about how Mumbai traffic sucks by her dad, a gush
of memory flashed by my eyes. I recalled a conversation that I had many times
with her when we were ‘WE’ about how I wanted to show her around Mumbai. Not in
this way perhaps never in this situation. I sneaked through the rear view of
driver and there she was quietly starring at the slow moving traffic under the
metro rail. I was rather less worried about what was going on in her mind for
me the top priority was to get her to departure terminal 1 gate D before 10:40
AM and it was already 10:30 AM.
10:
40 AM, Sakinaka
After a bumpy ride
in cramped up Mumbai traffic we reached
Sakinaka and turned left towards CSIA Terminal 1 and headed towards departure
gate D. Suddenly the mood in the taxi got a little tensed and sad. The thoughts
swayed in my mind like the road swayed towards the gates. All ups and downs
that we faced together circled through my in matter of seconds. We reached just
in time and they all started to unload her bags on to the trolley and moved
towards the check-in area. All eyes were wet by now and bodies had gone cold
and numb.
“Come on, push it… we
are not pushing ...It’s your responsibility now” I announced without addressing
her directly. And so she did as we all stood outside and the family started to
talk about something in Marathi.
“This is no place for
me I am not supposed to be here” I said to myself again.
First she hugged her
mother (whom I hated a lot) and then the rest followed. Knowing what would
follow up next I took two steps back and tried to hide somewhere. Her brown
white eyes first turned wet and the strands of red started to emerge from
white. I was just too strong to become weakened by that embrace or tears. Neither
had I wanted to hear what they were talking nor did I want to look in those
eyes as I wasn’t a part of her family. So I again took two steps back almost
finding myself in the middle of a parking road. I guess even after so many
months I just couldn’t bear to see her cry. After saying goodbyes to everyone
she briefly looked towards me. But this time I just could not read anything in
those eyes. They seemed shut just like her heart; there seemed no room for me
in them.
Among 100 of situations
one can imagine this would be oddest of them all. Where you have nothing to say
to the person you loved. Maybe somewhere deep in my mind I minutely expected a
dramatic situation but here it was very practical and real. All I could see in
those cold eyes were “It’s over”. She had already moved too far from me
emotionally now she is actually moving 9000 km away from me and she had nothing
to say. As she approached me to bid adieu instead of taking 4 steps forward I
took only 3 and stretched my hand towards her.
Suddenly the last
memory about her crossed my mind. The conversation we had as she left Jaipur
was much unexpected and it highlighted with a lie… a lie that brought me
trembling on my knees back then and shaking the trust amongst us over some torn
pieces of paper.
This brought a sweep of
coldness inside me as well and just at that moment we shook our hands. Those two
cold hands, two emotionless hands, two dead hands. Hands that once knew each
other very well were complete strangers now.
“Don’t forget your
priorities.” I said to her.
“Yes I won’t” she
responded without a hint of smile...
Neither my suggestion
nor her response mattered to any of us at that moment. Still I was stupid
enough to stand on the edge of Sliding gates behind her crying family trying to
look as deep inside the check-in area as possible. Hoping she might turn back. To
say sorry, thank you, take care or even goodbye. If not atleast to hear it from
me and witness that I fulfilled all that I promised. But she was one of those
who walked without turning back. As her
flight status changed from on-time to check-in to security to boarding and
departed her family waited thoughtfully and I thoughtlessly.
1:40
PM, CSIA
To be very honest I
never really understood it. And at that very moment I didn’t want to understand
it. I was never made to feel so cold by any person ever in my life. What goes
on once you are inside cannot be judged by anyone from the outside. Just at
that instant my phone popped an SMS and it read “The PNR status for your
spicejet flight SG529 from banglore on 5th jan 14 at 19:40 hrs is
JDGR2R”. I just have a hope that I might find out the reason behind her cold behavior
because in a matter of months I would be on other side of those Sliding gates.
Concluding part to follow soon…
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feedback and comments are welcomeSpecial thanks to Sunny Bhatia and Kishore Pathak for there valuable input to make it even more special.
