my stupid valentines story

I wish I could be as stupid as I was  back in the college days. Doing all the crazy childish stuff during and around the valentine's day. Not to mention the never ending excitement we would have even though deep down we knew that nothing is going to happen of this excitement.

Optimism I suppose it was, that made us felt that something magical might happen on valentine's day, specially when we were a mediocre engineering student in a small town.

Well there you go I have spilled the beans already and we have barely started. Anyways.... what the hell!!

And guess what I was a hardworking engineer yet i flunged. So rest assure there were very remote possibility of a girl I liked may reciprocate in the same way. But yes there was. 'was' . Now she is a mother of a beautiful baby girl.

I may have to apologize for breaking this to you too. But the best part about it, the whole thing we had, had the innocence behind it. Or to correctly rephrase, the stupidity behind it. why I say it so because love is stupid and it happens to stupid people only. But then somehow maturity kicks in. 

You suddenly become very smart and intelligent and evaluative and the love just vanishes.
I accept, that stupid feeling I had 7 year back was better than this matured crap thing I get to hear always nowadays.

I feel maturity has indeed ruined how we love, if not atleast it has tried to manipulate it.
So much so that we are scared to even accept others love for us and that is the toughest part. I mean how can you convince someone about your love if that person is not even ready to accept her own feelings?
How can you tell truth to a person who lies even to herself?
The best thing one can do is try and try a bit more. 

I did find someone again and did manage to make that little space in her heart for me. But it wasn't easy.
I also managed to squeeze it out of her after a 4 hour long grilling session one day. Finally!!!
She had probably said NO 40-50 times before she finally said yes. 

Well not exactly a yes but we did end up on a common agreement which I will write in the end so stay on. Atleast that's what she sounded.

But that made me think why was she so much hesitant? Love is the most natural and unadulterated form of emotion and yet you refuse to acknowledge it? It's like you stand in front of the mirror and lie to your own self. It's just that one has to be brave enough. 

Brave enough to accept that you can love and can be loved again. I did manage to convince her after a long time 3 years to be precise, but my attempts and efforts are useless if she just isn't ready to accept. Acceptance is the first and foremost thing. Resiprocation and response comes later. Commitment comes after that much later. How come suddenly this commitment thing came in her mind as a reason for denial?

We had a past, I already told her. But she didn't tell me, I understood it by her behavior and it never mattered to me and it still doesn't. I can only assume the same for her. Then what is the difference between me and her?
Then it just clicked.

Perhaps she is matured now and I am still in that stupid state.
The purpose of maturity is not to influence your love.
It's not a gift to be practiced with love. 

when I understood this I requested her many times, if you don't feel the way I feel for you then just walk away saying it on my face. Practice your maturity now on me or else be honest and stupid enough to atleast acknowledge it. Either move forward or back out completely.
But herein lies the problem. She was neither willing to act completely mature nor stupid.
I in the past, and now as well kept this maturity thing out of love.

If it makes me look like a stupid so be it. It doesn't matter to me.
kyuki pyar me koi logic nai hota hai ... aur jaha logic hota hai waha pyar nai hota.

I don't know what is going on in her mind but I know what is going on in mine. I am still thinking about her as my fingers are filling these blank white spaces with words and letter.

I have heard many realistic people saying that you don't need a valentine's day to express your Love and respect. But if you go with my logic, well you cannot act stupid 365 days of a year too.
so what if a red rose costs you 20 bucks on this day or a card you bought was of 300 rupees or you choose to take a costly cab home to reach early and fresh rather than public transport so be it. Or maybe you knew what surprise your partner has planned for but still you act surprise so do it.

It's like why go to  Krishna's temple on his birthday if he is omnipresent. Love is beyond logic like how divine is.

Although she made an absolute mess of the last surprise I gave her but still I wanted to give her something this valentine's day. Even if it just a smile. I know her smile is a gazillion times better than mine but still it's the least I can do.
Because love is stupid.

I am still working on whatever there is between me and her. I know that possibility of our relationship achieving success is bleak. Why I say so is because I am a Christian guy and she is a Maharashtrian lady. So herein lies biggest issue.
 

Lady I referred to her because the way she carries her sari is amazingly graceful.

But all that matters now is whats  there between us now and that is what allways had mattered to me. If it sounds stupid so be it. I don't care. So much so that her birthday gift by me was a drawing or tattoo design of the word tathastu on her white power bank cover which she simply and  totally over looked.

But I think I still love her and more than that I respect her. Still I wish to give her a red rose and chocolate on that day, if it sounds stupid so be it. I just hope she accepts it with her glossy smile and i manage to see that beautiful sparkle in her coffee brown eyes.

And that what love is and that's what valentine's day is all about.
I hope this message reaches her and  I could get a chance to wish her happy valentine's day in the most unique way through this story.

So be stupid and keep loving.
cheers.....

PRESENT DAY: none of the above mentioned tasks could be accomplished... like i said. here realism manage to beat optimism. 

this was a write up which i had submitted for a writing competition on www.sweek.com website.  i am uploading it here as the last day of the judging ended yesterday. 

FYI: its a piece of fictional writing. please draw no relevance.

I am  not uploading much since am working on a bigger writing project. So keep reading, keep liking and pray to almighty that i can successfully complete this project soon.

HUM HAI RAHI PYAAR KE..... FIR MILENGE CHALTE CHALTE.

The White Scarf

"100 me 3, 50 me 1". replied the shop keeper.
But he didn't want 3. He wanted just one, one from the three scarfs he was already holding in his hands.
It was cheap... Very cheap and quality was also not bad. But if a person tries to sell 3 in 100 it is Bound to raise some eyebrows.

Just to be sure whether he wanted to buy 3 or not he picked up 3 scarfs from this small corner shop just in front of Calangute beach. The others had gone in search for a good place to have lunch since it was their last day in goa.

He thought perhaps if he could select a few from the rack, he might take an opinion of others once they come back on which one to buy.
Somehow in this selection he forgot the reason why he wanted to buy it. Honestly there was no reason for him to buy this.  He had picked up 3 scarfs. None of them were white considering the fact that white was his favourite colour.

He personally wasn't in the requirement of even one scarf.
So buying 3 sounded absolutely absurd.
No??

It took him sometime to figure out what he was actually doing. He was holding 3 scarfs yet he required not even one. And if at all he wanted one for himself it had to be white, but none where.
He starred at those colourful scarfs through his fast-track aviators wondering the same thing.

Suddenly he dropped everything and straight away when for this white scarf he found somehow magically appearing out of nowhere in the same rack.
He wondered again why he didn't found it in the first place.

Probably last night's beer was still kicking his senses time and again he felt.
But once he had that white scarf nothing looked better than it. Perhaps he was right and should have gone in with this choice in first place.

"Mujhe 3 ki zarurat nai hai.. aur ek ke Mai 50 nai Dene wala" he said to the shopkeeper but bought it eventually.

He wrapped it around his neck just to have a feel how it feels.
He took a selfie with it and WhatsApp it to her.
"How is it?"

As he waited for the picture to upload over a very slow internet connection, a swift wind blew past him. It took along the shorter edge of the scarf for a flip and as it came down it skidded across his face as lightly as the wind itself.
As if the winds whispered something naughty to which the scarf flapped out of shyness.
And then it happened again and again... and it somehow felt similar. But it did remind him about her. For it felt similar when her scarf touched her hands once.

"tumhare liye liya hai. lena padega ab" he typed next as the first message was just delivered. And the double tick's quickly turned blue as well.
she replied "toh apne gale me kyu dala hai?"

"Ganda karne ko" he typed first.
"GirlFriend ho kya meri tum Jo tumhe brand new Aur fresh du." he typed later.

Yes there was a hint of anger in her sentence, but it had more of a flirting outline to it.

He waited for the phone to vibrate from her reply. But little did he know that the coverage was no longer there.  He waited either for his friends to come or for her reply to come.

The salty and humid winds kept blowing and teasing the scarf along the way. Touching ever so smoothly where ever it fell on his body. This smooth touch reminded him about the feeling he had once he held her hands.

These girls, have absolutely no sense where they are going while talking, it was one such instance while walking and talking she ended up almost in the middle of the road. And he had pulled her to the side and near himself.

He held her hands barely for a few seconds but he wish never to let it go. For this was the moment he missed the most for it was the best moment. And that was all he ever prayed for as well.

“maine kaha kuch bola aisa… maat do nai chahiye toh…. Rakho apne pas he.” She replied.

“dekho zada bhav kane ki zarurat nai hai.. waise bhi sasta he tha..” he replied.

“maine kuch bola kya sasta hai ya mehenga.” She replied.

She was now starting to get on her nerves… he felt he should not have pinged her after all.

“aur use b issiliye kar raha hu taki meri di hui chiz ko dhoh k use kiya karo… kyuki I am an embarrassment for you… ” He replied.

“kyu???...kyuki mujhe khujli ki bimari hai……. kyuki mai Christian hu.” He replied with a very heavy breath and a heartbeat that felt like a bomb exploding in his chest.

“christian ka kabhi kuch bola maine apko… kuch bhi maat bolo” she replied.

She may have forgotten but he remembered. He was again thrown back to a time when this thing had indeed and eventually came up.

“mai aisa kuch nai manti” again she replied. But he still wondered whether she was telling the truth or lying again and it was argument he had in his mind countless times before as well. Somehow he no longer wanted to hold that scarf but yet there it was still wrapped around his neck.

“lena toh padega.. use karna ho toh karo.. pocha banana hoga toh banao.. I don’t care.” He typed.

“this is your goodbye gift.” He continued.

“mai kaha ja rahi hu..”  she asked.

“mai jar raha hu” he replied.

“kaha?” she asked.

“tumse dur” he replied.

“fir shuru hog aye aap??” she asked again.

“yes.. I have decided not to disturb henceforth.. self respectfully, image conscious, log kya kahenge types, pseudo busy, bahaanebaz, mai yeh sab nai manti wala jhoot bolne wali tumko” he concluded.

“maine aisa toh nai kaha” she asked.

“thik hai toh maine he keh diya. Tumse toh na kuch kaha jata hai na kara jata hai” he replied with a hint of wetness in his eyes.

Thing did escalate very quickly. He was still waiting for his friends to arrive. the only reason he wanted to buy it was for her only coz he knew it would look good on her. He wore it because he missed her and wished that the scarf could hold on to the fragrance of salty and moist sea winds and humid green air while he drived along the roads. He hoped that at least a soft, simple and non-living thing like this white scarf would bridge the gap between religion and faith. For it was only a sign of love and care he had felt for her before.

And indeed it was a goodbye gift for holding it did reminded one of the best moments he had with her and with it he wanted to let it go as well....

To be with you. PART-2

“sach me … tumko koi farak nai padta na?”

I typed this sentence one more time. Although it wasn’t the first time I had asked it. But this time some where I felt that it is different. I had typed this sentence so many times on whatsapp that it even remembered it and suggested the next word as well.

It was just past 10:00 pm at night when I texted her and it is almost a week now that we last talked. We hardly talked, honestly we mostly chatted. Somehow this feeling was sinking in that actually she doesn’t care and it’s really hard to say this now.

Yes. I have so many times like before, had asked this question to myself before I gather the courage to ask her, again maybe for the last time I felt. And yes I know what would be the usual response, but when your life runs on optimism and faith you always hope that perhaps this time the reply could be different. 

As long as there was even a slightest of possibility that her reply could be different, the question was worth asking.

There may be reasons for your way of life, maybe the ways you think, behave and believe, say and act. And then… there reasons or categorically saying excuses. They are the other kind of reasons where every time you get to hear something new for same kind of act repeated over and over again. Trust me I have now heard all of it.

What to do when you have the right kind of feelings for this person. This feeling that is constant irrespective of the situations and circumstance. Where what you do and what you say is correct. That’s because your faith and belief tell you that it is the right path. And then there is this person who tries to find various paths so as to not accept the truth.

I am sure if you would have read the previous part you might be expecting that she did made her way to the seat next to me.  Surprise!!!.... Surprise!!!.

She never made it to the seat next to me. 

I wasn’t surprised at all, but yes, disappointed because I thought I was having right kind of expectations from the right person. But it was anyways going to be her default reaction. And doing anything otherwise would have been interesting.

I am not here to blame anyone for anything, just to introspect. But yes she never made it to the seat. And there is no point in asking her as well. Because all you will end up hearing is a bunch of excuses and lies.

 All said to hide the basic truth and every single attempt to cover the one and only one truth. And it was that one truth that she had realised and felt but wasn’t ready to accept and say.

That one simple truth was that I had broken the jinx of her heart. That I had seen the depths of her heart through those brown eyes and that her feeling for me were no longer a secret. Her heart was clearly visible through her eyes. It use to surprise me how come nobody saw the same in her eyes what I saw before. Or did she only meet ass holes before??

Her heart was clearly visible through those eyes and they said it, and they said that we are telling the truth and she is telling lies. She said its nothing like that, that she doesn’t feel it that way. That I never ever made her heart go bunny hopping and skip a beat and that she never felt like liking me. And the fact that she was scared of accepting it.

I don’t know the reason why she could be scared. Or maybe it could be my grave misunderstanding like her.

But when your faith tells you that what you feel is something way beyond love you just have to accept it. And what else do I have apart from my faith to call my own. And my faith tells me what I saw in those eyes and felt were not misunderstanding and if I am brave enough to accept it than its tough to believe otherwise.

 It is such an irony when you see motivation and inspiration in that person. Where your every effort of every day is to make that person proud of you. When all you want is to see her smile and hear her clap in your success and happiness. When you correct and improve yourself everyday so to be acceptable. Where you wait for months and month, adjust your schedule and then adjust a little bit more to get little time to talk because your faith and patience tells you that it is worth it. When you get angry, disappointed, sad and frustrated by constant excuses, yet you forget everything once looking in those amazing beautiful brown eyes.

Where just holding her hands while you walk and then dance a bit of salsa is the extent of physical contact that comes in your mind when you are with her, where you wish to learn guitar so as to play her favourite songs and where every art you create has a hint of her in it. And you end up respecting her more than you love her.

And on the contrary, she sees nothing beyond name. Where her decisions and feeling is decided by the place of worship I go. And my intentions and expressions are suspected to be as an attempt to get something even more physical out of her.

 I may be wrong; it could be my misunderstanding or maybe a false perception about name and everything I wrote. But when a certain individual, society and universe had a chance to break this false perception of mine all it ended up giving were a bunch of excuses. It chose to hide behind these rhetoric excuses instead of saying and accepting what her heart felt. And it felt what I felt.

Even if the acceptance meant that we never talked, saw or recognised each other in public. Because I know that society is hypocrite. But when the person itself becomes hypocrite than its not good.

Hence we again come back to the first line, the question that we asked.

And well you would have guessed it. She replied----- “NO” @ 10:01.

Kyuki log naam me mazhab, vishwas me dharam aur jazbat me hawas dhund lete hain.

Just a mere acceptance of truth would have been enough.  

One of my reader suggested that I do a happy ending of this “To be with you” series, but unfortunately I couldn’t.

I just hope someday when I become a decent writer to be interviewed and on that day upon being asked “what is the one thing that you couldn’t do in your life?” I don’t end up answering….

“I couldn’t convince a girl I loved that I loved her……”

I haven’t given up nor shall I will. I have just surrendered it to the almighty….the universe.

Thank you.

If your religion requires you to hate someone, you need a new religion.

8 minutes of your present. (thank you all)

Again it has been very long since I have written and posted anything. Nor I have planned the length of this write-up. Perhaps if you have patience and love my writing I request you to read it all. It was just that I wanted to try a few things that required my time. It was nothing new but just an old

incomplete dream (GUITAR), which is still very much incomplete.


Before we begin  I wish to thank Tanvi maam and debu sir. Anyone who has given me any kind of knowledge is similar to GOD for me. It is my faith and you are no lesser. A guru is imitation of god, I was taught by my teacher. If a challenge doesn’t lets you sleep at night perhaps it’s a challenge worth taking. Thank you for giving me this challenge and pushing me to find my true potential.

Blame it to the time I would say again. But there is no one except me to blame. Its really strange when you somehow put time into perspective the dynamics of life change so quickly.

I always felt that time was running faster than me or maybe the pace at which others are running was faster than me. Various times I also felt that I was running a race that I had already lost. Some wounds of past are so deep that time and again the pain keeps up coming. Although you want to, but no matter how hard you try time just keeps getting faster than your life.

Yes indeed the perspectives of life change once you put time into it.

“Life is too short to live with regrets”. Those who know me often find me repeating this sentence time and again. And indeed its a fact that I came across just few months back. Specially when regret is about something or someone who will never come back. Time is one such thing.

A lot of great and deep influential thing are already written about value of time and present moment and I am not a person who suddenly had and enlightened vision about it. It was something that came across in my life and kept coming over and over again until it was clearly clear to my mind.

It was the same reason, I decided to dance again. I knew there will be people criticizing it. There will be people envying it. There will be people sarcastic about it. But most importantly there will be people who will not value it and respect this thing in me. Dance was something that happened very late in my life. Like many things in my life taking up dancing and continuing it was my decision.

Maybe I wanted to get rid of stage fear, trying a new dynamic of creativity or just to impress someone I don’t quite remember now. But after a certain point i guess everything got aligned with motivation creativity and inspiration. And since, I had always found myself as a performer rather than an audience. It is tough to imagine myself otherwise. You may feel that there is always a next time.

But TIME makes you realize that its not true. For a performer never knows when could be his last performance. Weather you would get to get on the stage again and perform again. This is something that I realized just few months back. life and time are not to be predicted. When you see people close to you and your friends walk away never to return, things do go to a different level.

Perhaps this could be the ultimate motivation for any performer like me. There was indeed a time just few days before my AEM 2016 performance when I thought of giving up dancing henceforth. Honestly speaking I just wanted to dance so that people who knew me felt proud to know me. And that they don’t feel embarrassed to tell that they knew me, that I am no mediocre in what I am doing, that if not all then at least those few could clap and cheer for me when I am under the spotlight.

But there were indeed few only, but there was one who I felt mattered a bit more. I say so because most of the people I knew were going to be on that very stage with me. I was leading them in some routine and following them in remaining. This was the first time when I was going to be in center stage. But something was missing and that thing was impacting me so much that I was dancing like a zombie. No expressions, no joy, no excitement.  And should there be one I asked myself? Would it matter to that person as well. As there were only few in the crowd for whom I wish to smile and give expressions. I thought it may feel like mobbed pair of hundreds of unknown eyes.

It was the very reason why I thought about giving it up. I was hardly sleeping 4 hours daily and at time even less. Maybe it was a tired body that was making me think like this or maybe it was just too much of learning. I have gone through this earlier as well but at those times I had a motivation, a goal, some pair of eyes in the audience that would become bright when I land all my moves perfectly and shout and cheer for every smile and expression that radiates out of my body.

As the days built up that thing seemed to be becoming more and more impossible. But that is how a life of a performer is. No matter what goes on in your mind once you are on the stage you are visible to the world. It’s the show in the end that matters. Pain, cramps, tension, sweat, lunch less days, hollow nights, nothing matters. Everyone has issue, the whole point of life is issues. But once you begin the first move of your final performance nothing and no one matters.

And we did it finally, I did it finally. It was never easy for me and for all of us. I never expected it to be easy, I never wanted it to be easy. It is because once A PERFORMER ALWAYS A PERFORMER. And that’s me for you.

All I wished was of your acceptance. Be it good or bad performance. For your acceptance was the reward for all my hard work. It did matter to me a lot.. It did hurt sharply when amongst the few people i expect to come up to me with a bright smile and shiny face to acknowledge my effort and hard work, one doesn’t show up eventually. All that required was willingness and perseverance to do the same. But it doesn’t matter now.

Like I said “life is too short to live with regrets”. I have realize it and I wished that person too would realize someday. And this very line was the only thing that kept me pushing on and going beyond my physical and mental barriers everyday through pain and fatigue. It was a choice that I took and I don’t regret it even one bit.

I never planned this write up. I wish to express my feeling in details hence taking the liberty to increase the word count as much as I want. A superb support system of friends and colleagues for which I have no words to thank the almighty. But most importantly both critic and motivator for your perceptions, as it made us what we are.  Lastly to the entire team of AEM 2016 my soul and life goes to you. Because if this indeed happens to be my last AEM 2016 MUMBAI performance, it will be memorable for a life time to me.

Kal ka koi bharosa nai… na he waqt ka… aur na he kismat ka. But I promise you that I will not give up on dancing as doing so would be an insult to god’s gift to me.

Words is all I have to express my feeling and blessing and best wishes is all I have of my own to give you in return.  Ending with a few line from my own poem….

Kal me bhi aaj hoga fasla yeh yakin kar,

Mazil na sahi par waida-eh-safar hasin kar,

Tham le hath fir rasta na dekh….

Tez si chalti zindagi zara ruk ke dekh.

Always remember life is too short to live with regrets of thing unsaid and undone. Say it now, do it now.

Remembering all the near and dear once who are no more amongst us…….this performance is dedicated to them.

Happy Independence Day.

Feedback and comments are welcome.

Just Another Day.

It has been long since I have written something on my blog. I don’t want to complain about it as well. I have no one to blame but myself for it. And would rather not want to blame myself for it as well. Probably I was having very little motivation or inspiration to do the same too. I still don’t have a very good motivation to do the same now as well but it is just that i am being reminded by an event. 

Again this isn’t a good occasion or a bad occasion but it is just an occasion. To be brutally honest with myself and you all it is nothing more than just a date. And I know not many people will be in agreement with me doing this especially now and this would probably won’t matter anything to rest. 

Yes initially it was tough for me to accept this. That it doesn’t matter to people. I still find it hard to believe that a something as important as someone’s feeling doesn’t matter to you. Not just any someone, but that someone who believed to have found a sense of direction in life because of you.

Is it really that tough to accept that you love someone? Is it really that easy to ignore this truth? Is accepting this acceptance really so difficult? 

Maybe its because of ignorance. Maybe it is just because of ego. Or maybe your stubbornness ends up making you feel impenetrable. And then someone decodes and breaks this which makes you doubtful about your own self. But instead of accepting it you doubt it even more. And if we speak a bit more frankly peoples mentality today is so fucked up that they feel everything the other person is saying or doing is with an intention to find a way into their pants.

Or maybe it is just that you lying to yourself about your own self or maybe because you are afraid  of the world. And it is perfectly fine to be scared of a world and society that has failed in love. But that is not what worries me and troubles me. What worries me is the fact that you are lying to yourself about a certain emotion that is as pure as love. 

How can someone be scared of their own self? How can someone lie to their own self? How can you be so ignorant and hollow? 

Because these are the only two words I get in answer to all these questions. You had to be ignorant for not seeing and accepting it. And you had to be hollow as well, for feeling it and yet not accepting it, the love and respect of that someone. And they are so egoistic and stubborn and stupid that they are neither willing to acknowledge nor are willing to let go. More so frustrating is this person is not even willing to give an opportunity. Not to others but to their own self.

Perhaps something that I would say was not a case amongst us. Unlike now at least we were honest enough to accept it. If not at least i was given an opportunity. To try, convince and discuss. It is something i am still scrambling for since.

Frankly speaking there is no point in looking back and comparing it with something even further before but like i said it is an occasion. It is tough to pull yourself out of a certain perspective and think rationally about something totally different. Blame it to the date if at all you want to blame anyone. It is like your forget about this date for 363 days of the year and somehow remember about it on the 364^th day and then it just becomes more than just an occasion. 

I wish to wish you the best of the day. But like i was told so many times none of this matters to anyone. Even if it does i have been made to feel that it doesn’t.  But since it is an occasion its apt we utilize it, to redo something that I love to do. Or the apt way to say, re-begin something that expresses myself. It helps you to contemplate on your belief, faith and trust on something known as love.

If its your birthday today and if you are reading it, there is nothing for me to tell you because it is just another day, its just another birthday and its is just another write-up from just another guy struggling to have his faith in love and he is doubting it because of another random girl who is ignorant enough to lie to herself.

It has become just another day from a special day. The only reason you are remembered this day is because even though you were far you were close, and people near now are unimaginably distant away.

It’s really thoughtful that holding her hands would be something I’ll be missing the most.

back then; and now too.

Baki like i was told so many times it the past... kisi ko koi farak nai padta hai.

Khud ki nadani hatakar dekh
Ishq bhi tu... izhaar bhi tu...
Na dekh sake Jo mere jazbat ko..
Fareb bhi tu aur dagabaz bhi tu.