To be with you. PART-2

“sach me … tumko koi farak nai padta na?”

I typed this sentence one more time. Although it wasn’t the first time I had asked it. But this time some where I felt that it is different. I had typed this sentence so many times on whatsapp that it even remembered it and suggested the next word as well.

It was just past 10:00 pm at night when I texted her and it is almost a week now that we last talked. We hardly talked, honestly we mostly chatted. Somehow this feeling was sinking in that actually she doesn’t care and it’s really hard to say this now.

Yes. I have so many times like before, had asked this question to myself before I gather the courage to ask her, again maybe for the last time I felt. And yes I know what would be the usual response, but when your life runs on optimism and faith you always hope that perhaps this time the reply could be different. 

As long as there was even a slightest of possibility that her reply could be different, the question was worth asking.

There may be reasons for your way of life, maybe the ways you think, behave and believe, say and act. And then… there reasons or categorically saying excuses. They are the other kind of reasons where every time you get to hear something new for same kind of act repeated over and over again. Trust me I have now heard all of it.

What to do when you have the right kind of feelings for this person. This feeling that is constant irrespective of the situations and circumstance. Where what you do and what you say is correct. That’s because your faith and belief tell you that it is the right path. And then there is this person who tries to find various paths so as to not accept the truth.

I am sure if you would have read the previous part you might be expecting that she did made her way to the seat next to me.  Surprise!!!.... Surprise!!!.

She never made it to the seat next to me. 

I wasn’t surprised at all, but yes, disappointed because I thought I was having right kind of expectations from the right person. But it was anyways going to be her default reaction. And doing anything otherwise would have been interesting.

I am not here to blame anyone for anything, just to introspect. But yes she never made it to the seat. And there is no point in asking her as well. Because all you will end up hearing is a bunch of excuses and lies.

 All said to hide the basic truth and every single attempt to cover the one and only one truth. And it was that one truth that she had realised and felt but wasn’t ready to accept and say.

That one simple truth was that I had broken the jinx of her heart. That I had seen the depths of her heart through those brown eyes and that her feeling for me were no longer a secret. Her heart was clearly visible through her eyes. It use to surprise me how come nobody saw the same in her eyes what I saw before. Or did she only meet ass holes before??

Her heart was clearly visible through those eyes and they said it, and they said that we are telling the truth and she is telling lies. She said its nothing like that, that she doesn’t feel it that way. That I never ever made her heart go bunny hopping and skip a beat and that she never felt like liking me. And the fact that she was scared of accepting it.

I don’t know the reason why she could be scared. Or maybe it could be my grave misunderstanding like her.

But when your faith tells you that what you feel is something way beyond love you just have to accept it. And what else do I have apart from my faith to call my own. And my faith tells me what I saw in those eyes and felt were not misunderstanding and if I am brave enough to accept it than its tough to believe otherwise.

 It is such an irony when you see motivation and inspiration in that person. Where your every effort of every day is to make that person proud of you. When all you want is to see her smile and hear her clap in your success and happiness. When you correct and improve yourself everyday so to be acceptable. Where you wait for months and month, adjust your schedule and then adjust a little bit more to get little time to talk because your faith and patience tells you that it is worth it. When you get angry, disappointed, sad and frustrated by constant excuses, yet you forget everything once looking in those amazing beautiful brown eyes.

Where just holding her hands while you walk and then dance a bit of salsa is the extent of physical contact that comes in your mind when you are with her, where you wish to learn guitar so as to play her favourite songs and where every art you create has a hint of her in it. And you end up respecting her more than you love her.

And on the contrary, she sees nothing beyond name. Where her decisions and feeling is decided by the place of worship I go. And my intentions and expressions are suspected to be as an attempt to get something even more physical out of her.

 I may be wrong; it could be my misunderstanding or maybe a false perception about name and everything I wrote. But when a certain individual, society and universe had a chance to break this false perception of mine all it ended up giving were a bunch of excuses. It chose to hide behind these rhetoric excuses instead of saying and accepting what her heart felt. And it felt what I felt.

Even if the acceptance meant that we never talked, saw or recognised each other in public. Because I know that society is hypocrite. But when the person itself becomes hypocrite than its not good.

Hence we again come back to the first line, the question that we asked.

And well you would have guessed it. She replied----- “NO” @ 10:01.

Kyuki log naam me mazhab, vishwas me dharam aur jazbat me hawas dhund lete hain.

Just a mere acceptance of truth would have been enough.  

One of my reader suggested that I do a happy ending of this “To be with you” series, but unfortunately I couldn’t.

I just hope someday when I become a decent writer to be interviewed and on that day upon being asked “what is the one thing that you couldn’t do in your life?” I don’t end up answering….

“I couldn’t convince a girl I loved that I loved her……”

I haven’t given up nor shall I will. I have just surrendered it to the almighty….the universe.

Thank you.

If your religion requires you to hate someone, you need a new religion.