A stupid’s valentine day.

Happy marriage anniversary mumma-daddy…

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I remember the day when after a very long time I was walking past my college. Recalling all the silly stuff that we did here. I use to laugh at the students who did all kind of crazy and stupid stuff during the valentine day. Even Buying the most expensive gifts out of our limited pocket money. Funniest would be to see so many of us buying and bring rose to college without having anyone to give. But the good thing was most of the roses did exchange hands by the end of the day.

Before the college days love was a very blur and unclear topic for all of use. It was only after stepping into the college that we came in agreements with this highly contagious entity. Love was more of about having the sexiest girl in the college to eat samosa chatni with you in the lunch break. Neither of us knew the real meaning of love back then. Probably it wasn’t the right time to worry about the in depth meaning of love. It was very superficial and all we knew was what we heard from others. It’s strange how in course of time our reasoning skills are demarked in three parts like before love, during love and after love. Before love you are just developing your reasoning skills during love your reasoning skills totally goes for a toss and after love you tend to reason with each and every situation that you face.

This is because love just happens and you don’t need a reason to fall in love with anyone. You just want to live I that moment. That intimate moment when there is just two of you. Isolated from the entire universe. Fearless and brave. It ends up not only blossoming you but also creates a snowball effects and spill out of you in multiplied proportions. No wonder you want to stay close to your loved one if not at least with someone who is already in love.

The best experience of love doesn’t come while kissing or having sex. But in simple and daily instants.

For me if you ask it is when I hold your hand, and once I hold them I just don’t want to let them go. Probably more because I don’t get to hold them very often. That is why I know its importance. And how much I cherish those moments. It’s probably a million time that I told you about this. And whenever I see a couple holding hands I just pray that they realize the meaning it.

 Last year when she visited Mumbai during this time we went for a drive in my maruti Suzuki swift. I am not a big fan of driving cars all the more because I love my bike more. But when she is with me baki kuch mayine nahi rahkta. I mean what more can you ask for, to spend the valentine day with the person you love in the city you love.

I so much wanted to hold those hands that I could barely concentrate on the highly jammed vashi mulund highway. And here in lies the most amazing beauty about love, you can tell what’s going on in the others person’s minds. It’s the penultimate level of love. Somehow magically and gracefully she kept her hand on the gear stick. Maybe she was reading my mind or just concerned that I might get in an accident. And trust me I just loved the four hours that we spend stuck in that slow moving traffic. Changing gears never felt s cozy and intimate. There was very little that we talked probably we just wanted to live the most in that moment. It these simple yet special moment which are the best.

You know grace is something that is very natural to her. Its all about perception. Few years back I thought she was very egoistic but as I lived her life it evolved into gracefulness. And this is the best thing that I learned in this relationship. Yes my perception about life was very much influenced by you. Its this experience of living in present that changed my perception about love as well.

There is no past or future in love, There is only present. It dosent matter what your past was or what your future would be. What matters is how you live in this relationship at this particular time. And giving your best in it is what bears fruit. Love could be the best feeling in the world up to the point it’s not defined. But it’s a reality about love that to fertilize it, you have to define it and once it is defined it is bounded by the adjective you use for it.

Love dies when you burden it with maturity. The real essence of love lies in the innocence and silliness of it. There is no room for reasoning and rationality in love. When there is reasoning there is no room for love. And that’s why love is the best present you can give to anyone, and that’s how you live in the present moment. Love cannot be binded and it shouldn’t be. And when I am with you I don’t want to waste time reasoning with the IF’s of the future and BUT’s of the past.

“pyar me dimag nahi lagana chahiye…..usse chehre pe jhurriyon ke alawa kuch nai milega” was what she said to me while pinching my stomach as she left from bandra terminus. 

When there is love there is stupidity, originality, fun and everything that’s not directed by logic. If there is logic instead of love you end up marrying a random guy just because his package is 12 LPA. Growing in life is good but growing in life with love is even better. Good times may make you happy in a relation but it’s the tough times that strengthens it.

 So here is what I am gonna do this valentine’s day. Keep the logic out of the equation. I would again drive my car in the jam-packed traffic with her alongside holding her hands, buy her a beautiful pink top or a white salwar, a cheery cup cake, a bunch of rose worth even 1000 bucks or maybe a perfume of her choice or maybe take her to a pet shop to hear her “awwwww” and “kuchi kuchi” or maybe eat an ice-cream cone to see her struggle with the melting dripping ice-cream.

Or maybe just spend the entire day sitting on my 7^th floor flat balcony alongside her with a big mug of hot chocolate. Where the sweet and maroon cold wind blows straight through it and just sends you to another world. And later in the evening invite my friends with their girlfriends, wives, boyfriends and husbands to enjoy a very hearty dinner made by me for them. And later request my lady to stay back and give me a hand with washing the dishes. So that I could spend that extra 20 mins with her as well.

I don’t know what’s going to happen from the next day, I just wanted make the best with what I can do. And I think there is absolutely no harm in letting your love know about how much you love them. Express it GOT-DAMIT in whichever way you find it the best.

Let’s try and keep love in the most innocent and pure form. Like how you felt about it before you segmented it with logic and grammar. Redo all the stupid things that you did to “pattao” your love. All the stupid and crazy thing.

And let’s remember and give thanks to a few stupid and crazy that we might have forgotten, things like airtel friends, R to R free calling, SMS pack, CAD-B, yash chopra & karan johar films, hallmark and archies, stuffed toys, Nagpur university curriculum, moral police, Cadbury, radio love guru, class-mate ki bike, roommate ki kurti, tution classes, chai tappri, phul wala, notes and journals, forwarded msgs, love letters, nokia 1100, facebook, whats-app, gardens and most importantly girlfriend/boyfriends best friend for making our valentine day what it is today.

Also I would specially like to mention bagpiper, old monk and signature which gave many struggling lover the strength to express their love.

please freely share you stupid and crazy love experiences in comments. your identity is upto your discretion.

This is a very simple and special piece of write-up. Dedicated to very one in love.

Those who walk without turning back part 2

I could not hear what she wanted to say and she could not speak what I wanted to listen

5^th jan 2014

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4:30 pm: AOL international center, Kanakpura road:

I never felt keeping my mouth shut for 4 days would be such a daunting task.  A mere thought of being unable to communicate with the world used to terrify me to a great extent. It feels like a volcano of thoughts has accumulated in your mind waiting to explode but has no escape route. And the best way of disposing this uncontrolled flow of thoughts was to talk to inner self.

When BAWA tells you that there should be utter silence, he is damn serious about it.This order is followed by a gentle reminder- “There shouldn’t be any sort of communication, neither eye contact not even a gesture” DINESH bhaiya had said.

And when Bawa & Dinesh Bhaiya say, you are bound to follow it. As a matter of fact you don’t have a choice other than trusting them; and feel that awesome feeling that I felt within. And since I have completed the 4 day silent exile, I am at utter loss of sense to keep track of time.

Now it’s almost time to leave. To describe in a better way it helped me to isolate my mind of some unwanted thoughts. Thoughts that played hide and seek within my mind and would pop-up in the most unimaginable situations. It’s really amazing how few days on silence and detachment from your regular self can streamline your thought process.

As I sat on the footsteps of Visha-lakshmi Mantap waiting for my CAB to arrive I thought ‘is there something wrong with me’. Spontaneously turned my head and looked at the gigantic lotus structure of VM, said “am I ever gonna comeback to this place?”

But even after trying to convince myself in all possible ways, forms and belief there was only one word instinctively and unconsciously came out of my mouth “NO”. Before I could understand whether the “NO” was for what I thought or what I said a grey colored TATA Indica KA-05 DC-052 entered through gate number 1 and stood in front of me. In no time the driver pounced out grabbed my bag and said “sir, Sunday evening…traffic much….very much” and brought me back into reality.

“Hurry!!hurry!!sir..Bangalore traffic very tough” L. Kumar shouted as he threw my bag inside the car. He was so convincing with what he said that I never felt to have a final look back at VM. Within no time we were on the road towards Banergatta destination being BIA.

6:15 pm: somewhere in Bangalore city:

As kumar navigated through the swirling and super packed Bangalore traffic I was finding it difficult to keep my eyes ajar. We hardly slept for 2 hrs after getting out of silence. I just closed my eyes and was knocked out for good 40 minutes. i don’t know weather it was sleep or feeling of Trans but it felt very cool on a mental level as cold wind swept past my face at 80km/hr. A mixer of anticipation, curiosity, fear and excitement took over me as I saw the BIA which looked very much similar to USS Enterprise of Star Trek

6:40 pm: kemegowda international airport (BIA):

The probability of you getting lost in an airport which operates domestic and international operations from a common structure is very high.  After a certain point all directional signs seem useless. Few months back the situation was same just the location was different. Back then I stood outside with a big ‘HOW?’ and now I am on the inside with a even bigger ‘why?’.  Until that I point I didn’t even bother to remember what was the reason for which I wanted to spend this one week all by myself. With No whats-app, no facebook and no phone calls.

Because somewhere in that RUN & CHASE I had lost myself.

 “Why didn’t she turn back?” I asked myself sitting on a chair near gate 3.

Its good that visitors are not allowed inside the airport. some burdens are too heavy to carry till the last point. Although relations seem to make you stronger it somewhere weakens you as well. Some so precious that they become a part of your DNA and presents itself in your day-to-day behavior. From what I understood in 25 mins in the security area I can say is that when there is burden there is no room for dreams.

Somethings in life are much more worthwhile. Its even worth letting go a few things of your own. Some people have a better aim or a very strong and passionate dream or an intense personal goal to achieve. It’s the root of a tree that provides strength and holds the leaf from falling apart. But to fly with the wind the leaf must detach itself from the tree. Maybe that’s true love must give you…. FREEDOM.

7:40 pm: GATE 3 departure:

Now everything seemed more bright and lively. Also our flight announcement had happened making us move towards the bus parked in the airport bay, which then took us to the far end of the taxi bay where our plane was parked. Some people come in your life to stay forever, some just escort you to a better place and then walk away. And walking away is never easy. This thought sank into me as I turned back to see the dark bengaluru city one last time and said “maybe….someday..”.

Maybe she would have cried, maybe she had a poker-face or maybe she hadn’t. But one thing is certain that I did occupy some share of her thoughts that day. Believing that you have walked away and actually walking away are two different things. Sometimes it’s good not to turn back once you walk. I never realized when the air craft started to roll out of the Ramp into the taxi bay and was on the far end of the runway. Also that the air hostess had finished her in-flight security detail while I gave her a cold dead stare. As I tried to apply my engineering skills to complicate the simple seat belt ritual the plane had already taken off.

Suddenly I remembered something that I used to tell her every time “never say goodbye to me, because I don’t believe in such a thing”.

9:35 pm: 28,000fts @ 970km/hr.

And then there was again silence outside and calmness inside. No thoughts, no words and no sound. Just a sense of admiration and satisfaction. People never ‘GOODBYE’ out of your life. When they come they are here to stay, not the way we want but in there own unique way. Two weeks back just a stray thought about her would buy me a one way ticket to hatred and anger but now I was actually smiling as I looked at her London pics on FB. Finally there was acceptance. Now all that’s left was the sorrow for those letters.

“Those letters don’t matter anymore, you would eventually tear them..Right? So I did it myself” she said.

“You tore a part of me along with them. Why?” I had replied back then.

I guess I didn’t cry about us breaking up but because of her lying to me and tearing those letters. I think that they were a sign of trust amongst us. The only thing positive that can be drawn from this is that she helped me realize that love never dies off once it comes into existence, it just gets transformed. I guess even she fulfilled her promise, by making me love writing again.

Its just that it took her LONG walk without turning back, a broken heart, week long silence and 28,000 fts @970km/hr to realize it.

Present day.

So here I am again, waiting. I haven’t given up, neither love nor my dreams. still seeking that simple and special girl. All I expect you is to be my inspiration and motivation.

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feedback and comments are welcome
Special thanks to Sunny Bhatia and Kishore Pathak for there valuable input to complete it. thank you so much guys.

Those who walked without turning back (part 1)

“Aaj fatte hue khato ko dekh kagaz k tukdo ki ehmiyat samajh ayi.” 9^th oct 2013

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Present day 9:30 AM, Ghatkopar station:

I questioned myself, “How can someone be so irresponsible?”

After being made aware by me of the facts that the central line of Mumbai suburban local is extremely unpredictable on weekends still they chose to go Kalyan to her aunt’s place yesterday. I also told them that they would have to travel in local today morning in peek hours but they straight away overlooked my advice…

I questioned myself again “Why am I doing it?” as vivid thoughts about her crowded my memory like morning rush at Ghatkopar station.

Although this wasn’t the first time I had questioned this to myself. I had recently asked this question twice at different instances, first when I agreed to her brother’s request to help them so that she could board her flight to London and second when I met them at CSTM station and suggested them to stay at a hotel nearby instead of going Kalyan  so as to avoid morning rush. They didn’t give a shit to either of my opinion. Here I am again waiting for them since 7:00 AM at a time which was decided the previous day. Again I kept my words but she didn’t.

It’s almost a year now since we broke up. I am not sure about how other break-ups happen as there was no drama involved in mine. The best part was- It happened over a phone. Maybe for both of us it was the best way. We knew we couldn’t lie to each other upfront and this would help us in hiding our shortcomings as well. I thought the best way to gulp it was doing it in a single go and say “koi nai… chalega… no tension”. On the other hand she would have thought I might win her back again and convince her. Both of us preferred the ‘chickened out’ solution. And in a few days both of us realized that the page had already turned. Actually it was she, who first thought of moving on and promptly went ahead with her thoughts. Perhaps the pace of life was different for both of us. Neither I could run fast nor could she wait much. It was destined…

“Bloody am I the only one worried about her… what’s wrong with them?” – The concerning question took over my thought process. I tried to dial her number which was mugged up a long time ago; perhaps my fingers remembered the digits better than me.

But all of a sudden the memories of yesterday encircled my mind. When all we had to say to each other was a cold and formal “Good Morning”. It was almost a forced wish. Neither did she try to talk to me nor was I expecting so from her. It’s very strange to realize such   behavior from a person who was once your motivation. I played with my Nokia 520 while thinking about it and in disgust I threw it back in my pocket.

9:45 AM, Ghatkopar station:

Her Dad called me to notify that they had reached Ghatkopar safely amid of utter Mumbai crowd. “Are beta sorry actually who…” her dad started to apologize which sounded more of an explanation.

“Not an issue we are here that’s all matters now…lets go” I quickly interrupted him and rushed them towards the taxi stand on the west side of station.  Although her brother was trying to be smart with his weird idea about going till Santa Cruz via Dadar which sounded absolutely stupid considering the lack of time that we had.  Her father noticed that I was sulking and tired and pissed off at them as I was waiting since 7 am in morning that too after doing a night shift. Straight away he followed me. I rushed them to the taxi stand and in no time we were heading towards Chtarapati Shivaji International Airport. As we travelled towards Sakinaka from Ghatkoper there was a strange silence inside the taxi. Apart from the usual and occasional question to the driver “Kitna time lagega bhaiya?”

Sensing that I was in a bad mood his dad tried to strike up a conversation with me inquiring about my work and all. But there was little he could understand about CX600 , ISP’s, Routing protocols, Shift handover and 48-fiber.

Between this unexpected job interview and complaining about how Mumbai traffic sucks by her dad, a gush of memory flashed by my eyes. I recalled a conversation that I had many times with her when we were ‘WE’ about how I wanted to show her around Mumbai. Not in this way perhaps never in this situation. I sneaked through the rear view of driver and there she was quietly starring at the slow moving traffic under the metro rail. I was rather less worried about what was going on in her mind for me the top priority was to get her to departure terminal 1 gate D before 10:40 AM and it was already 10:30 AM.

10: 40 AM, Sakinaka

After a bumpy ride in  cramped up Mumbai traffic we reached Sakinaka and turned left towards CSIA Terminal 1 and headed towards departure gate D. Suddenly the mood in the taxi got a little tensed and sad. The thoughts swayed in my mind like the road swayed towards the gates. All ups and downs that we faced together circled through my in matter of seconds. We reached just in time and they all started to unload her bags on to the trolley and moved towards the check-in area. All eyes were wet by now and bodies had gone cold and numb.

“Come on, push it… we are not pushing ...It’s your responsibility now” I announced without addressing her directly. And so she did as we all stood outside and the family started to talk about something in Marathi.

“This is no place for me I am not supposed to be here” I said to myself again.

First she hugged her mother (whom I hated a lot) and then the rest followed. Knowing what would follow up next I took two steps back and tried to hide somewhere. Her brown white eyes first turned wet and the strands of red started to emerge from white. I was just too strong to become weakened by that embrace or tears. Neither had I wanted to hear what they were talking nor did I want to look in those eyes as I wasn’t a part of her family. So I again took two steps back almost finding myself in the middle of a parking road. I guess even after so many months I just couldn’t bear to see her cry. After saying goodbyes to everyone she briefly looked towards me. But this time I just could not read anything in those eyes. They seemed shut just like her heart; there seemed no room for me in them.

Among 100 of situations one can imagine this would be oddest of them all. Where you have nothing to say to the person you loved. Maybe somewhere deep in my mind I minutely expected a dramatic situation but here it was very practical and real. All I could see in those cold eyes were “It’s over”. She had already moved too far from me emotionally now she is actually moving 9000 km away from me and she had nothing to say. As she approached me to bid adieu instead of taking 4 steps forward I took only 3 and stretched my hand towards her.

Suddenly the last memory about her crossed my mind. The conversation we had as she left Jaipur was much unexpected and it highlighted with a lie… a lie that brought me trembling on my knees back then and shaking the trust amongst us over some torn pieces of paper.

This brought a sweep of coldness inside me as well and just at that moment we shook our hands. Those two cold hands, two emotionless hands, two dead hands. Hands that once knew each other very well were complete strangers now.

“Don’t forget your priorities.” I said to her.

“Yes I won’t” she responded without a hint of smile...

Neither my suggestion nor her response mattered to any of us at that moment. Still I was stupid enough to stand on the edge of Sliding gates behind her crying family trying to look as deep inside the check-in area as possible. Hoping she might turn back. To say sorry, thank you, take care or even goodbye. If not atleast to hear it from me and witness that I fulfilled all that I promised. But she was one of those who walked without turning back.  As her flight status changed from on-time to check-in to security to boarding and departed her family waited thoughtfully and I thoughtlessly.

1:40 PM, CSIA

To be very honest I never really understood it. And at that very moment I didn’t want to understand it. I was never made to feel so cold by any person ever in my life. What goes on once you are inside cannot be judged by anyone from the outside. Just at that instant my phone popped an SMS and it read “The PNR status for your spicejet flight SG529 from banglore on 5^th jan 14 at 19:40 hrs is JDGR2R”. I just have a hope that I might find out the reason behind her cold behavior because in a matter of months I would be on other side of those Sliding gates.

Concluding part to follow soon…

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feedback and comments are welcome
Special thanks to Sunny Bhatia and Kishore Pathak for there valuable input to make it even more special.

Everything except “I Love You”

(please post your comment on this below the article)

“so you wanted to wish me happy diwali?” she asked.

I suddenly felt a wave of chill run down entire body. Even though the car AC was turned off it felt very cold and as I sat next to the driver seat I noticed sometime back she was combing her hair while driving the car which made me feel a bit odd not to mention surprising and unusual too.

Now here I was facing her with open hands. Maybe she was expecting such a thing. So neither she backed out nor hesitated and as soon I gestured asking her hands she promptly acknowledged and landed her soft small hand in mine. And this was the very reason why I felt waves after waves of chill going up and down my body instantly dropping my temperature and I could feel my hands going cold and numb instantly

“What are you doing? why are you so nervous?”she asked.

“I don’t know and yes I am a bit nervous” I said and instantly my mouth went dry and the nervousness was so intense that the dryness went from my mouth to throat in matter of seconds. I had barely finished the sentence and I was already feeling thirsty.

As soon as I held her hand she said “you are cold”.

“I know ” I said.

The other day when we meet after a very long time I was avoiding making an eye contact with her. I was scared about what would happen if…… I was just too scared to think anything beyond that “if”. She kept complaining and pinching me hoping to make an eye contact but I was all over the place. She had the most intoxicating eyes. But now there was no escaping and I said to myself lets face it and conquer it. I gently squeezed her hands so that she stays focused on me and looked straight into her eyes.  At that moment all I could feel was my thumping heart beat, my chilled numb hands and her sweaty palm as she turned of her car and turned left facing me.

“thank you so very much for listening to me and I am also aware of the fact that I wasn’t making eye contact with you even though you constantly kept provoking me to do the same..” I started and trust me it was not at all easy to grab hold of my thoughts and words once I held those hands and looked into those intoxicating brownish black eyes all at the same time. I knew this would happen hence I mugged up everything that I wanted to tell her.

So now I took a long deep breath in and continued “but I didn’t want to ruin the importance of this moment that day. You listening to whatever I had to say meant a lot to me and I am feeling very light and much more comfortable with myself…”

I noticed her smiling with a beautiful look and so I smiled back and continued “….and I also want to say that you have very beautiful eyes and I like them a lot”. I noticed she was blushing and then she asked “haven’t you seen my eyes before?”

“ I had…. but its just that things around me were so messed up that it had covered my vision for quiet a while. I might well say that I had just forgotten how they looked” I answered and suddenly everything was fine around me. It was calm inside and all there nervousness was gone as if somehow I broke all the shackles and then I continued “…..and believe you are very special and god gives these kind of eyes to very few and special people and they are very lucky as well….”

“ no… no its not like that everyone is special for GOD and…”she interrupted shaking her head.

“listen… just listen” I interrupted her back and brought her attention back towards my eyes and continued “…this is what I believe in and I know he makes them with his very hands and with lot of care also makes sure to look after them in every step of life. And this kind of eyes helps him to find you guys easily out of millions of people like me who came out of an assembly line I guess” I finished laughing and concluded saying  “that’s why i have black eyes maybe, and deep down even you know that”

“what that black eyed guys like you come out of a assembly line?” she laughed and asked.

I am not sure what was going on in her mind at that time because she was starring right back trying to hide something. But when such an eye connection happens there is not much one can hide.

“nahi…nahi re.. every tom, dick and harry has  black eyes and even you know deep down that you are special and I can tell you how lucky I am to have you in my life in whichever way you are” I said and noticed her small lips stretching to its extremities and trying to reach her ears. This eventually made smile too.

“you are so stupid… I feel like hitting you right now… tabse kya kar rahe the” and blushed a bit.

“can I hug you?” she asked and quickly leaned towards me without waiting for my response and grabbed me. For the very first time in my life it felt peaceful and complete.

I felt whole, I felt satisfied, I felt calm and accomplished. No wonder its called the ‘ The jadoo ki jhappi’. I wanted to stay liked that forever and I know the feeling was mutual. You could hear the heart beat, fell the lungs breathing and smell the fragrance of body. Not yours but the person you are embracing. It’s the ultimate and purists form of bonding I think.

I took advantage of the situation and planted 3 kiss on her, 2 on either cheeks and 1 on the forehead. That broke our hug and I found her looking at me with a surprised and question marked expression on her face. I thought she might through a slap right across my face.

“I don’t want to keep any regrets” I said putting her hair behind her ears.

“so do I” she replied and kissed me the same way back.

“so this is how you wish Happy Diwali? You are really really stupid…  I feel like hitting you right now” she said with her tiny smile.

There are some relations that don’t need any name. They cannot be defined are bracketed. They could only be felt and expressed. That’s what some people call ‘kitabon wala pyar’

Inspired from a documentary film “meherooni”. 

feedback and comments are welcomed.

Running back to go home!!

This was something that was inspired during my tryst to get train tickets for home during ganesh chaturthi and wrote it that time itself. i wish it all of you relate with it in more than ways.

I had a very long and tiring day. Waking up early to book my train tickets, then rushing to office and in the evening attending a invitation for ganesh arti by  a very good friend of mine. The entire day was demanding and very much busy in a different way. By the end of the day I was very much faithful of god as I was in doubt about his existence. Why ? I was able to get a train ticket to Nagpur for diwali with  a single digit waiting number. Its close to miracle. As I sat on my bed trying to reason and conclude the entire days event but I was too tired by then.

“oh god !!! you better come in my dream and justify it” I said to myself while staring at the ceiling and before I knew it I was fast asleep.Suddenly some noise above my head woke me up. Something or someone was scanning through the kitchen utencils.

“who’s there?” I shouted out of fear & terror. For a while there was no response but then a short fat guy with long nose and larger than normal ears popped his head into my bed room and said “oh… sorry bro…I didn’t intend to wake you up”

“who are you” I asked.

“what ? you only wanted to talk me so I am here… but there is nothing to eat… by the way I am ganesha” he said in a very casual way.

This is the thing about dreams there are somethings with which you can reason and then there are some that are unexplainable.

“why troubling me yaar? I had a very long day…kal morning shift hai…legs are paining, you always trouble people and enjoy it don’t you” I said angrily

“I beg your pardon? Okay now tell me what are the issue that you wanted to get answered” and stood in the door way with his arms and legs crossed.

“why is that in your anticipation people take so much trouble and pain? I stood in line since 5 am and still got a waiting ticket for diwali. Don’t you think its unfair? What about others who couldn’t get the tickets for going home”. I asked

“well ..you see we are not selfish and ignorant. Think of it as those who got the tickets were more needful to go where ever they wanted to go. As far as others are concerned if you have to go then have to go, then you don’t need money or ticket. I suppose it my way to check your faith in us, and in the process help you realize what you want.”

“so why do you come for short time and in everyone life at the same time?” I asked.

“you human are very lazy and forget about us. Everything you do you do it or your own personal purpose.  So I provide you with a reason. A reason to come home to your family and relatives. All the people standing in line along with you didn’t care if railways fairs are increased; ticket is waiting or petrol price as such. For them all that matters is being with there family, which is a reason provided by me. don’t you think that’s cool” he said winking at me.

“then why is that even people living with there families still run on platform and overbridges behind trains and buses?”I asked.

“to spend that extra minute with there children, to spend some more time looking into his wife’s  eye, to hold the hand of there gf/bf for some more time, maybe to say “I love you” one more time, to see her husband  smile a few centimeters more when she comes home early, to help their aging parents walk a few steps without pain. The easiest job one an do is judge, that’s what  you are doing my buoy”

“but why do others judge me when I say that you are my favorite hindu god?” I asked.

“well thank you young man, I am honored to  hear it. I believe you not respecting me but you are respecting your faith. It dosnt matter for whom it is until it originates from you and you only. Having faith in god is like having faith in yourself, faith can neither be broken nor it can be attained easily. Faith is a “siddhi”. It means attainment and accomplishment and all the people who were standing with you wanted to celebrate there siddhi with there real accomplishment ie with there loved ones. All we do is give you an excuse. As far as leave is concerned you won’t get it unless you ask for it”.

Whatever he said send me into a deeper thought . “by the way do you have anything to eat?” ganeshji asked and went straight into the kitchen.

“wait wait… will my leaves be approved!!!”. I shouted.

“only if you are taking it for the right reasons” he said.

“oh great… we have some rice and curd. Wait ganeshji I will serve you” I said.

And then there was a big cranky noise in the kitchen which woke me up.

“oye kisko kya serve karega bhai its 5.00 am. Are you alright?” my roommate enquired.

“kitchen me kaun hai?”I asked.

“billi thi” he said.

Was I dreaming or was  it real I thought.

“chal koi nai.. lets go to sleep”I said.

“hmmm… if ganeshji comes again ask him to approve my diwali leaves as well” he said bouncing on his bed.

“how did you know?” in a shocking and surprising way I asked.

“you were sleep talking my friend” and he laughed.

They say early morning dreams do come true. Weather it was my wish or a thought that occupied my mind which translated into such a dream. In the end all I hope for the right thing to happen. If my reason are good enough my leaves would be approved. If not I would assume someone in my team needed it to be with there family more than I do.

Happy diwali !!!

Its not about me always.

I wanted to get up early that day. Its the second morning of our weekend get together and I was already late. I didn't want to miss the sunrise as I rarely get to see them. To be honest it was what we all had decided the previous day. At this very simple man home in nagaon village somewhere in alibagh who made our comfort his responsibility. To our surprise he had a beach in his backyard. I just couldn’t wait for others to get up so we could go together. So I grabbed my toothpaste and brush and headed for the beach. The beauty of anything lies in its simplicity and it was just beautiful. It was huge, long, clean and endless. I had my tussle with the sea last evening and I admit I thoroughly enjoyed swimming in it. it was like a dream come true but this time I just wanted to watch and listen. Watch everything and maybe I’d be able to peek inside myself.

So I sat on a fishing boat anchored to the shore.

I believe all journeys happens for a reason and so to was this. It has been one hell of a year for 13B. And this break was for it. I don't know about others but a lot has changed in and around me and I suppose the same goes to every individual of 13B. From being junior most person in the team to a reliable resource and even being a lead for sometime it had been a demanding year. From having lunch together to having breakfast alone my dimensions have changed. If you ask me there would be 29 different stories about how the year has panned out for them. The way we work, live and see the world has changed but I am sure one thing hasn't changed it what we feel about each other when we meet.

I never expected a training room friendship would be so deep and unbreakable. But in a city where you come across millions of unknown faces it feel great to see 29 familiar face smiling at you. I believe any relationship that starts with zero last longer. Zero means when you know each other from the beginning, when you are nothing and nobody, just a scared and curious face in D block conference room. In time you may grow in age or stature but this basic bond never goes away. We grow and succeed in life and so do others and you feel happy for them as well. Aur ego and jealousy ka toh sawal he nahi Uthata. Achieving success is not difficult but maintaining your relationship while doing it is more important. We may find 100 people shaking your hand when we are successful but a hug from such a person give you a real sense of accomplishment. You want to see them more than anyone else. By the time I finish this thought almost an hour had passed and the sun had already risen and when I turned around to take its photo I saw my training batch-mates walking slowly down the dusty road towards the beach. I never had luck with best friends but I suppose this is how it felt to have or be a best friend.

I had planned in this before boarding the ferry at gateway to India to alibagh that I would not think of anything on this trip. I would just keep my mind empty and isolate it from everything or anyone that was there in mumbai. I didn't even wanted to analyze or judge myself. I just wanted to be nothing for sometime. no attachments, no entanglement, no past, no future. I wanted to know how does it feels to be me and got one answer I am at the right place. Our potential is like this vast sea. Endless and powerful. I wanted to argue with myself a bit more on this. But I saw everyone walking towards the sea as I sat on the boat alone.

I realize maybe it not about me always and every-time. This trip here is not about me, its about all of us. About every individual who managed to get time out of there life for us again by hook or by crook. I don’t know whether It was a common feeling amongst all of us or am I exaggerating it but everyone wanted to be there. If you find it exaggerating you can blame my view. I know something inside everyone was touched personally in this trip however there way of expressing it could be different. I just wanted to say “thank you” to everyone who was with me on this trip Mita, tikka, dhanno, mahabuddy, vipul, sharmaji, darshan, piyu, asha, mekal, panna, hemit, mithun, sumit, naradmuni, madhuja, yadavji and mahadev in the best way I can and this is it. I would like to end this with a few line from a song that I was listening while watching the beautiful scene.

Samundar Lehron Ki Lehron Ki Chadar Odh Ke So Raha Hai Per Mein Jagu Ek Khumari Ek Nasa Sa Ek Nasa Sa Ho Raha Hai
Tu Magar Hai Bekhabar…… Hai Bekhabar
Dil Gira Kahin Par…. Dafatan…..

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