Those who walked without turning back (part 1)

“Aaj fatte hue khato ko dekh kagaz k tukdo ki ehmiyat samajh ayi.” 9^th oct 2013

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Present day 9:30 AM, Ghatkopar station:

I questioned myself, “How can someone be so irresponsible?”

After being made aware by me of the facts that the central line of Mumbai suburban local is extremely unpredictable on weekends still they chose to go Kalyan to her aunt’s place yesterday. I also told them that they would have to travel in local today morning in peek hours but they straight away overlooked my advice…

I questioned myself again “Why am I doing it?” as vivid thoughts about her crowded my memory like morning rush at Ghatkopar station.

Although this wasn’t the first time I had questioned this to myself. I had recently asked this question twice at different instances, first when I agreed to her brother’s request to help them so that she could board her flight to London and second when I met them at CSTM station and suggested them to stay at a hotel nearby instead of going Kalyan  so as to avoid morning rush. They didn’t give a shit to either of my opinion. Here I am again waiting for them since 7:00 AM at a time which was decided the previous day. Again I kept my words but she didn’t.

It’s almost a year now since we broke up. I am not sure about how other break-ups happen as there was no drama involved in mine. The best part was- It happened over a phone. Maybe for both of us it was the best way. We knew we couldn’t lie to each other upfront and this would help us in hiding our shortcomings as well. I thought the best way to gulp it was doing it in a single go and say “koi nai… chalega… no tension”. On the other hand she would have thought I might win her back again and convince her. Both of us preferred the ‘chickened out’ solution. And in a few days both of us realized that the page had already turned. Actually it was she, who first thought of moving on and promptly went ahead with her thoughts. Perhaps the pace of life was different for both of us. Neither I could run fast nor could she wait much. It was destined…

“Bloody am I the only one worried about her… what’s wrong with them?” – The concerning question took over my thought process. I tried to dial her number which was mugged up a long time ago; perhaps my fingers remembered the digits better than me.

But all of a sudden the memories of yesterday encircled my mind. When all we had to say to each other was a cold and formal “Good Morning”. It was almost a forced wish. Neither did she try to talk to me nor was I expecting so from her. It’s very strange to realize such   behavior from a person who was once your motivation. I played with my Nokia 520 while thinking about it and in disgust I threw it back in my pocket.

9:45 AM, Ghatkopar station:

Her Dad called me to notify that they had reached Ghatkopar safely amid of utter Mumbai crowd. “Are beta sorry actually who…” her dad started to apologize which sounded more of an explanation.

“Not an issue we are here that’s all matters now…lets go” I quickly interrupted him and rushed them towards the taxi stand on the west side of station.  Although her brother was trying to be smart with his weird idea about going till Santa Cruz via Dadar which sounded absolutely stupid considering the lack of time that we had.  Her father noticed that I was sulking and tired and pissed off at them as I was waiting since 7 am in morning that too after doing a night shift. Straight away he followed me. I rushed them to the taxi stand and in no time we were heading towards Chtarapati Shivaji International Airport. As we travelled towards Sakinaka from Ghatkoper there was a strange silence inside the taxi. Apart from the usual and occasional question to the driver “Kitna time lagega bhaiya?”

Sensing that I was in a bad mood his dad tried to strike up a conversation with me inquiring about my work and all. But there was little he could understand about CX600 , ISP’s, Routing protocols, Shift handover and 48-fiber.

Between this unexpected job interview and complaining about how Mumbai traffic sucks by her dad, a gush of memory flashed by my eyes. I recalled a conversation that I had many times with her when we were ‘WE’ about how I wanted to show her around Mumbai. Not in this way perhaps never in this situation. I sneaked through the rear view of driver and there she was quietly starring at the slow moving traffic under the metro rail. I was rather less worried about what was going on in her mind for me the top priority was to get her to departure terminal 1 gate D before 10:40 AM and it was already 10:30 AM.

10: 40 AM, Sakinaka

After a bumpy ride in  cramped up Mumbai traffic we reached Sakinaka and turned left towards CSIA Terminal 1 and headed towards departure gate D. Suddenly the mood in the taxi got a little tensed and sad. The thoughts swayed in my mind like the road swayed towards the gates. All ups and downs that we faced together circled through my in matter of seconds. We reached just in time and they all started to unload her bags on to the trolley and moved towards the check-in area. All eyes were wet by now and bodies had gone cold and numb.

“Come on, push it… we are not pushing ...It’s your responsibility now” I announced without addressing her directly. And so she did as we all stood outside and the family started to talk about something in Marathi.

“This is no place for me I am not supposed to be here” I said to myself again.

First she hugged her mother (whom I hated a lot) and then the rest followed. Knowing what would follow up next I took two steps back and tried to hide somewhere. Her brown white eyes first turned wet and the strands of red started to emerge from white. I was just too strong to become weakened by that embrace or tears. Neither had I wanted to hear what they were talking nor did I want to look in those eyes as I wasn’t a part of her family. So I again took two steps back almost finding myself in the middle of a parking road. I guess even after so many months I just couldn’t bear to see her cry. After saying goodbyes to everyone she briefly looked towards me. But this time I just could not read anything in those eyes. They seemed shut just like her heart; there seemed no room for me in them.

Among 100 of situations one can imagine this would be oddest of them all. Where you have nothing to say to the person you loved. Maybe somewhere deep in my mind I minutely expected a dramatic situation but here it was very practical and real. All I could see in those cold eyes were “It’s over”. She had already moved too far from me emotionally now she is actually moving 9000 km away from me and she had nothing to say. As she approached me to bid adieu instead of taking 4 steps forward I took only 3 and stretched my hand towards her.

Suddenly the last memory about her crossed my mind. The conversation we had as she left Jaipur was much unexpected and it highlighted with a lie… a lie that brought me trembling on my knees back then and shaking the trust amongst us over some torn pieces of paper.

This brought a sweep of coldness inside me as well and just at that moment we shook our hands. Those two cold hands, two emotionless hands, two dead hands. Hands that once knew each other very well were complete strangers now.

“Don’t forget your priorities.” I said to her.

“Yes I won’t” she responded without a hint of smile...

Neither my suggestion nor her response mattered to any of us at that moment. Still I was stupid enough to stand on the edge of Sliding gates behind her crying family trying to look as deep inside the check-in area as possible. Hoping she might turn back. To say sorry, thank you, take care or even goodbye. If not atleast to hear it from me and witness that I fulfilled all that I promised. But she was one of those who walked without turning back.  As her flight status changed from on-time to check-in to security to boarding and departed her family waited thoughtfully and I thoughtlessly.

1:40 PM, CSIA

To be very honest I never really understood it. And at that very moment I didn’t want to understand it. I was never made to feel so cold by any person ever in my life. What goes on once you are inside cannot be judged by anyone from the outside. Just at that instant my phone popped an SMS and it read “The PNR status for your spicejet flight SG529 from banglore on 5^th jan 14 at 19:40 hrs is JDGR2R”. I just have a hope that I might find out the reason behind her cold behavior because in a matter of months I would be on other side of those Sliding gates.

Concluding part to follow soon…

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feedback and comments are welcome
Special thanks to Sunny Bhatia and Kishore Pathak for there valuable input to make it even more special.