Those who walk without turning back part 2

I could not hear what she wanted to say and she could not speak what I wanted to listen

5^th jan 2014

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4:30 pm: AOL international center, Kanakpura road:

I never felt keeping my mouth shut for 4 days would be such a daunting task.  A mere thought of being unable to communicate with the world used to terrify me to a great extent. It feels like a volcano of thoughts has accumulated in your mind waiting to explode but has no escape route. And the best way of disposing this uncontrolled flow of thoughts was to talk to inner self.

When BAWA tells you that there should be utter silence, he is damn serious about it.This order is followed by a gentle reminder- “There shouldn’t be any sort of communication, neither eye contact not even a gesture” DINESH bhaiya had said.

And when Bawa & Dinesh Bhaiya say, you are bound to follow it. As a matter of fact you don’t have a choice other than trusting them; and feel that awesome feeling that I felt within. And since I have completed the 4 day silent exile, I am at utter loss of sense to keep track of time.

Now it’s almost time to leave. To describe in a better way it helped me to isolate my mind of some unwanted thoughts. Thoughts that played hide and seek within my mind and would pop-up in the most unimaginable situations. It’s really amazing how few days on silence and detachment from your regular self can streamline your thought process.

As I sat on the footsteps of Visha-lakshmi Mantap waiting for my CAB to arrive I thought ‘is there something wrong with me’. Spontaneously turned my head and looked at the gigantic lotus structure of VM, said “am I ever gonna comeback to this place?”

But even after trying to convince myself in all possible ways, forms and belief there was only one word instinctively and unconsciously came out of my mouth “NO”. Before I could understand whether the “NO” was for what I thought or what I said a grey colored TATA Indica KA-05 DC-052 entered through gate number 1 and stood in front of me. In no time the driver pounced out grabbed my bag and said “sir, Sunday evening…traffic much….very much” and brought me back into reality.

“Hurry!!hurry!!sir..Bangalore traffic very tough” L. Kumar shouted as he threw my bag inside the car. He was so convincing with what he said that I never felt to have a final look back at VM. Within no time we were on the road towards Banergatta destination being BIA.

6:15 pm: somewhere in Bangalore city:

As kumar navigated through the swirling and super packed Bangalore traffic I was finding it difficult to keep my eyes ajar. We hardly slept for 2 hrs after getting out of silence. I just closed my eyes and was knocked out for good 40 minutes. i don’t know weather it was sleep or feeling of Trans but it felt very cool on a mental level as cold wind swept past my face at 80km/hr. A mixer of anticipation, curiosity, fear and excitement took over me as I saw the BIA which looked very much similar to USS Enterprise of Star Trek

6:40 pm: kemegowda international airport (BIA):

The probability of you getting lost in an airport which operates domestic and international operations from a common structure is very high.  After a certain point all directional signs seem useless. Few months back the situation was same just the location was different. Back then I stood outside with a big ‘HOW?’ and now I am on the inside with a even bigger ‘why?’.  Until that I point I didn’t even bother to remember what was the reason for which I wanted to spend this one week all by myself. With No whats-app, no facebook and no phone calls.

Because somewhere in that RUN & CHASE I had lost myself.

 “Why didn’t she turn back?” I asked myself sitting on a chair near gate 3.

Its good that visitors are not allowed inside the airport. some burdens are too heavy to carry till the last point. Although relations seem to make you stronger it somewhere weakens you as well. Some so precious that they become a part of your DNA and presents itself in your day-to-day behavior. From what I understood in 25 mins in the security area I can say is that when there is burden there is no room for dreams.

Somethings in life are much more worthwhile. Its even worth letting go a few things of your own. Some people have a better aim or a very strong and passionate dream or an intense personal goal to achieve. It’s the root of a tree that provides strength and holds the leaf from falling apart. But to fly with the wind the leaf must detach itself from the tree. Maybe that’s true love must give you…. FREEDOM.

7:40 pm: GATE 3 departure:

Now everything seemed more bright and lively. Also our flight announcement had happened making us move towards the bus parked in the airport bay, which then took us to the far end of the taxi bay where our plane was parked. Some people come in your life to stay forever, some just escort you to a better place and then walk away. And walking away is never easy. This thought sank into me as I turned back to see the dark bengaluru city one last time and said “maybe….someday..”.

Maybe she would have cried, maybe she had a poker-face or maybe she hadn’t. But one thing is certain that I did occupy some share of her thoughts that day. Believing that you have walked away and actually walking away are two different things. Sometimes it’s good not to turn back once you walk. I never realized when the air craft started to roll out of the Ramp into the taxi bay and was on the far end of the runway. Also that the air hostess had finished her in-flight security detail while I gave her a cold dead stare. As I tried to apply my engineering skills to complicate the simple seat belt ritual the plane had already taken off.

Suddenly I remembered something that I used to tell her every time “never say goodbye to me, because I don’t believe in such a thing”.

9:35 pm: 28,000fts @ 970km/hr.

And then there was again silence outside and calmness inside. No thoughts, no words and no sound. Just a sense of admiration and satisfaction. People never ‘GOODBYE’ out of your life. When they come they are here to stay, not the way we want but in there own unique way. Two weeks back just a stray thought about her would buy me a one way ticket to hatred and anger but now I was actually smiling as I looked at her London pics on FB. Finally there was acceptance. Now all that’s left was the sorrow for those letters.

“Those letters don’t matter anymore, you would eventually tear them..Right? So I did it myself” she said.

“You tore a part of me along with them. Why?” I had replied back then.

I guess I didn’t cry about us breaking up but because of her lying to me and tearing those letters. I think that they were a sign of trust amongst us. The only thing positive that can be drawn from this is that she helped me realize that love never dies off once it comes into existence, it just gets transformed. I guess even she fulfilled her promise, by making me love writing again.

Its just that it took her LONG walk without turning back, a broken heart, week long silence and 28,000 fts @970km/hr to realize it.

Present day.

So here I am again, waiting. I haven’t given up, neither love nor my dreams. still seeking that simple and special girl. All I expect you is to be my inspiration and motivation.

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feedback and comments are welcome
Special thanks to Sunny Bhatia and Kishore Pathak for there valuable input to complete it. thank you so much guys.