My hands without rakhi

Being a Christian we don’t believe in festivals like rakhi. To be honest rakhi is one of the most loved festivals as far as I am concerned. There is a special bond between siblings. For a brother his elder sister is like a mother.  Fact about this mother son relationship is that both are of same generation and there is no barrier or communication gap. They both work with same frequency and they know what other person thinks. In short this mother is very chilled out and cool. You can tell your elder sister anything without feeling embarrassing and hesitating and I am sure she would understand.

Similarly for a younger sister and elder brother is like a father of same generation. She can poke,  hit, bite, fight and tease this father and extort  as much money as he can and he would surrender every single penny out of wallet for her.

To be very specific and honest there is a special reason why I am writing this.  Since my childhood every year after rakhi I would see my friends and classmates turning up with there hands filled with rakhi of n  number of shape and size. They used to showoff there rakhi and I would try give them explanation for my empty hands. It seems very stupid now when I think of it but these things used to matter a lot back then.

 It wasn’t until few years later when on the same day me and my brother cried like heal. My mother went to the nearest shop and bought us 2-2 rakhi just to make us happy. The very next day I and my elder brother went to school like hero.

The very next year my dad called a friend of his who had two daughters and hence forth they used to come to our home to tie us rakhi on here kinetic Honda. Also there is this small girl named Rosy in whose house we used to stay when my mom dad would go to work during our childhood. We had neither blood relation nor even far relation. But she used to come every year to my place to tie me rakhi. Her commitment was so strong that if we weren’t at home she would come again the next day.

 I don’t have my own sister but yes I do have cousin sisters both elder and younger but I somehow felt that there presence was missing all the time. There could be reasons and justifications for it. Some of which we chose and some were told to us.  I might be too young to under stand it that time and maybe still am immature for it. This weird though came to my mind a few days back when I was planning to send them some chocolates. For elder sister there was no hesitation but when it came to younger  sisters  lots of if’s and but’s creped in.

“would they understand it” , “why suddenly am I sending them chocolates” i asked myself.

It is since that day I am fighting with this word “understanding”. Because whenever I think of understanding the obvious two words that follows it is compromise and misunderstanding. The existence of understanding is half without misunderstanding. To suppress the obvious occurrence of misunderstanding we tend to subdue it with understanding which is actually a compromise. We will discuss it in detail some other day. But you have to be mature to understand the difference. But be it understanding or misunderstanding I didn’t care of it at that time when my hands used to be empty. Probably this could be the very reason why even they didn’t show up all those year or could be some other reason. What I am doing now I should have done back than

“my dear sisters,

I may be incorrect by the way m doing this. I could be totally wrong about it or maybe expecting too much, but I felt that I should do it. I know that there is a whole lot of thing that I personally missed because I didn’t have sisters. Only a sister can bring-out gentlemen out of his brother. It maybe too late to bring back what passed us but I just don’t want to miss what lies ahead. I know this because I miss all those sister tips and suggestions. Be it the best  hairstyle, clothes, deo for myself or how to chose earings, bangles, gifts and dialogs to impress girl. Specially what to say and what not to say and when to say and how to say.

Now while m sitting in INORBIT MALL vashi I see all around girls carrying rakhi in there bags and tying it to there brothers while sitting in food court. From my home to this huge mall, from peda and laddo to bournvile and dairy milk a lot has changed. Or maybe not. But it reaffirmed my faith in what I feel. Its all about what you want in your life and in such situation what do you chose. Even if its symbolic but I would like to live it. I thank god for giving me such an opportunity to get back what I lost and in the process of doing so got brave enough to accept what I chose. I chose to try and fulfill my responsibility as your brother. ”

Some day they would understand it too like I did but if that day is not today so be it. if not I wouldn’t force them to understand it now. Before visiting the mall I was thinking that I am the only one putting my hand out and making it reachable. But I realize that I am not the only trying to build back a relationship which was rusted and weakened by previous misunderstandings. Something on which neither of us had controlled.

 I miss you bitti akka, Gloria, oshin, swarna, shubbu, sania, hemmu, poppy, rozy(my sisters) and most of all my elder brother allwin lewis (partners in crime)

Happy raksha bandhan.

Feedback and suggestion welcomed.

the first Sunday of august.

To be honest I always have fantasized the whole concept of friendship day in my childhood. I never really thought about the reason or the motive behind people celebrating it. All we need is a reason to celebrate things in life. Well it took me a while to understand it. Almost till the first Sunday of august last year.

She was A last minute addition to my class like me which started of our friendship.  it wasn’t until the last months of 6^th semester that we actually started to talking regulary.  It was then I came to know that she was Bengali. Well it something which we will discuss some other time. But one thing very unique and characteristically relative to them is the way the put mascara in there eyes. I don’t know why my world starts and ends around eyes but they are the first thing to catches my attention. It wasn’t until I used to talk to her while waiting for our practicals to start that I started admiring her eye.

But the fact that she used to wear it daily and we used to meet made me big admirer of her. She was very typical type Bengali  girl, A little short in height and a bit healthy. She had a dusky complexion somewhere near to golden brown type and she never used to tie the gamcha around her face like most of the girl in nagpur do. I used to call her penguin because she similar to them.

There was always this mystique about those dark eyes on which she used to apply the mascara. She had big eyes and the mascara  lining used to enhance it and make them look deep and mysterious. It always used to look like a very beautifully decorated trap. 

  But the fact still remained that I was always mesmerized by the way she use to apply mascara.   you know the most beautiful fact about the entire craziness was that after a very long day of college when she used to get exhausted her kajaled eyes would look even better and much deeper as well.  Sometimes it would get all smeared up, but it still suited her and I would always make her realize this.  The best thing was that she always took my comment about her mascara eyes in a sporting way. (Koi aur hoti toh sochti ki chance mar raha hai).

Not many people knew that I have a old injury mark on my little finger which was fairly big.  It was cured a long time back but the mark of it still remains. When an injury is cured the skin over the injury becomes smooth and shiny and she liked its smoothness.

“I like your pinky, it very smooth, mujhe dede ” she used to tease me everytimes she used to touch it to feel  the smoothness of that cut.

“are you insane, how is that possible” I always used to reply.

“jo meri nai ho saki who kisi ki bhi nai ho sakti” she use to reply in dharmendre style which eventually sounded very funny in the end.

One fine day she did it. After a small argument on why I didn’t call to her in Christmas she scratched my pinky over the old Injury mark. Which was followed by a little blood of mine and lots and lots tears, drama and sorry by her.  But i knew all she wanted was a little attention.

“iska jawab milega…. Baraber milega” I told her in a gabbar type voice.

 I took my revenge almost 8 months after that incident. At a part hosted by our juniors in which they would chose there favorite couple and make them dance. There was no way that her name wouldn’t be called out and she wont be dancing with anyone else, this too was sure.

She was wearing a beautiful white gown with red belt and her typical make up, Dark thick eyeliner with a little lip gloss and pearl neckless. We had discussed about this situation and made planes of how we would react in the same.

But when you are so close to a person whom you know for a very long time its easy to predict the there behavior but its equally difficult to fight those weird feelings that comes in your mind. Thoughts that ask you to make full use of this opportunity and express what you feel, why you felt and how you feel. The other person wouldn’t be able to dodge it neither could run away from it. Because you literally holding the other person. The only thing that can accommodate that very small space when you are doing 3rd round of paper dance is your feeling for the other person and your willingness to accept there feeling into your world. And in such situation a look in the eyes is all it takes. And her eyes, well they had been my fantasy from the day I meet her. I feared once if I looked in her eyes from this close I would definitely, surely and absolutely would fall in love with her and I know that when she see it in my eyes she wont be able to held back her feeling for me. I was so close to her that she seemed vulnerable and submissive.

Boy did she looked beautiful or what. her entire face seemed like a very beautiful trap, a trap in which anyone would love to fall. For a while she looked down maybe even she felt the same way as I did. But when she looked at me the second time all I felt was “i surrender… whatever you will say its will be my decision as well”

She looked exactly the way she used to look after a long day in college which I always liked. And it was all her way to what she felt about me. sometime words aren’t just  enough.

Those black eyes surrounded by dark black mascara were so mesmerizing that it almost felt hypnotizing and when those eyes follow your eyes movement it feel  like a slave. You are trapped and before you know it you are no longer in control of your sense.

Some how involuntarily my right hands moved towards her face.  She felt my hands off her back and moving towards her face. And during the entire time she was looking straight back into my eyes and I tried to maintain the look back. But the look was so intense and constant and addictive that it made me scared.

This is the time when what you do defines your relations and you as a person at large. This is what you truly are the ultimate time of truth.

I gently took my right hand thumb near her left eyes and deliberately rubbed the thick layer of mascara from her left eyes smudging it. the smudge was dark at the origin and became lighter as it went outside finally vanishing into her golden brown skin. it was as close I could get to her. she was almost mine and I knew if I went ahead with it none of us could ever back out  of it.

“this is for what you did to  my pinky” wiggling my fingers in front of her eyes bringing her back to herself and giving her a devil smile

  And she almost cried. It was eventually my blue tie that helped her but I am glad it happened the way it happened.

 For a moment she was stunned by whatever I did but it was needed. It was my fantasy few years back but it felt like I did the right thing at right time

I chose to be a very good friend because I valued my relationship with her more.  I don’t know weather it was right or wrong but it felt right at that moment. Love demands perfection, predictability, space and similarity. Friendship thrives on imperfection, annoyance, surprise and diversity. Where love becomes weak friendship brings strength.

There is a very fine saying in English “two best friends can be lovers, but two lovers can never be best friends”.

It my dads birthday as well today which make this day even more special. I hope its even special for me and you as well.

happy birthday daddy... i hope i made you proud....

the Umbrella-rain affair

Hello again here I am back again, I now it has been quiet a while that I have posted something on my blog. It’s my view towards inspiration that has stopped me from writing anything new. To be honest it has been almost a year now that I came to Mumbai. And I have no doubt is saying that I love this city. Specially the rainy season here. People may complain a thousand things about it but I am its true and honest fan. It could be really romantic if you are with someone special. If not this cities rain will help you find that someone special for sure. 
 

To meet an old friend in this city too is a daunting task. But when recently I meet an old friend I had an experience that reaffirmed my faith in the abilities and surprises that this city holds.  This was the first time that we meet after our college got over all thanks to facebook .  She was my classmate and a very good friend. But there wasn’t anything special or what you call attraction amongst us. She was equally talkative back then as she was the day I meet her in juhu recently. Not much has changed since then only the fact that now she isn’t the only one wearing spectacles and back then she always wanted to ride my bike for which I would never agree. Also the fact that she was very amazed and mesmerized by the fact of working in night shifts. To my surprise now I was the more talkative person as she enquired all the possible things that one could ask from health, food, personal life and even work culture of people working in shifts. 

You know time really skates by when you meet such a person after a very long time. It over whelms your mind and you forget to keep track of things in such situations. Be it the time or your belongings. That what she did. She forgot her umbrella in the theater itself and frankly speaking in the between the hilarious thoughts of past and the excitement and joyfulness of meeting an old colleague it’s hard for an umbrella to find its place.

And you know what made her realize this?

You guessed it correct the Mumbai rains. Here is a fact about Mumbai rains its always unexpected and willingly or forcefully it will get better of you. Neither an umbrella nor a raincoat can stop it from hugging you and making you fall in love. It can be super romantic or a real party pooper. Maybe it was my lucky day or maybe not…

The sudden down pour caught both of us off-guard and although I had an umbrella and it took me less than 15 sec to pull it out and open it but by that time we both were almost drenched. That was the moment she realize her umbrella was missing and she didn’t hesitate to come under mine. But single umbrella can barely keep one person dry leave apart two. Although we stood under a tree with the umbrella the rain water some how manage to find its way to us. It caused both of us to move inward and our proximity decreased gradually. Now that’s the magic I was talking about. We were never so close to each other before neither I felt like this ever but women I tell you are really magical creature. You will never know when you fall in there trap. Why?

While standing there I noticed that she had a mole in her right ear. Which looked really beautiful as it rested in a place so intimate and hidden. This caught my attention and I kept staring at it for a while. Was something wrong with me?

To add icing on the cake the winds that would blew across her semi-wet hair would carry with it the perfume of her shampoo which was, I guess DOVE or LO’REAL. But whatever it was it was mild and something that would sink in you soul and be there for ever. It filled my lungs and I felt like getting dissolved in it. The tempting fragrance made me take long breathing to inhale as much as possible and the winds just kept bring her closer and closer to me.

Suddenly a drop of water leaked from my umbrella and fell on her shoulder. It slowly navigated its way from her shoulder to her back and then rolled down her back under her white top. Then another fell at the same place and then another. They kept falling and conquering her fairly golden skin. Without her permission, fearlessly and with full enthusiasm they made her expression change as if the were electrifying her. As the drops fell and scrolled down her eyes would melt and close in the most amazing way possible and she would shiver and sizzle making me feel like butter on a hot pan.

Then she turned towards me and now we stood facing each other and her perfume came with every breath inside me. I felt one with her. I felt like putting my dry hand under her top and around her wet waist and grab her close to myself. And feel her moist skin with my hand. White was never my favorite color but it became from that day because it was almost completely wet. I could feel the warm air that came out of her nose on my chest.  I could also see her kajal all smudged around her eyes. I felt like removing her clucher and let her hair dance in wind.  

 I asked myself “did her lips always looked milky pink or is it because of the rain and cold?, was she always so slim and soft and was she always this beautiful?”

The silence amongst us was something even she realized. Maybe the feeling was mutual. To check it I moved myself an inch closer to her. But she didn’t move back and instead she squeezed herself. I though she wanted me to put my arms around her. We were so closed that I could have easily tasted that drop of water and land a kiss on her forehead simultaneously and she wouldn’t know.

The scene was set only one thing was left from which I backed out. I knew if I looked into her eyes now we would definitely fall in love with each other. I knew this all was a step up. The rain was making us come close to each other.  But to be honest I just couldn’t gather the courage to look back into her eyes when she was looking towards me so closely coz I knew she would come to know the reality about what going on in my mind. And this could have really complicated the things amongst us.

The fact is that neither the rain wants a human be alone nor the human being wants to stay alone in rain. It wants you to find a companion and to be loved by the same. Maybe I did the right thing or something really really stupid but I was just not prepared to fall in love again. 

Your views on it are certainly welcomed.

A letter with smile

Hello there how are you? Was missing you a lot.  Pen nai tha toh pencil se he likhna start kar diya. It has been a long time that I hadn’t written to you. Writing is something that I enjoy doing and when it’s about writing to you it just pure pleasure and joy. Talking to someone is a dual mode communication. Something in which judgment comes very quickly and maybe also affects the way you put forward the rest of the conversation. Something I tend to dislike and a reason why I prefer writing. Here there is no judgment, no interruption in thought process and no disturbance. It’s you and your pencil and endless blank pages to be filled and in the end when you are done all what remains is a time line of your thoughts.

That’s exactly how I am going to write this article. I am also sending a small gift along with this letter which I hope you will like a lot. M sure you have already opened it by now. Now as the jack is out of the box these are a few earrings or what you call them jhumkas .these were what I bought suddenly out of blue moon even surprising myself whilst doing it. Initially there was no intention to buy it or maybe few at max but I ended up buying all these that you see in front of you. Some of them are sparkling and shining like you eyes and smiles whereas some are simple and natural just the way you are.  Hope you like it too.

There is no specific reason why I bought it and sent them to you.

 Maybe I just want to surprise you. Maybe I was missing you very badly, maybe a look at these earrings reminded me of the typical girly attitude that you have, a character very unique yet general in you. Maybe I imagined that after looking at them your eyes would sparkle and shine with joy just the way they used to when you were small and saw these earrings out in the market.

Or maybe its because I bought it from a HANUMAN JAYANTI mela that some how appeared outside my flat in navi Mumbai out of nowhere. A typical GAOWALON KA MELA type where people from nearby villages & town come to buy these kind of stuff. Maybe it was this thing that provoked me to buy something for you. I thought you being here would have simple loved it and felt really joyous. Would have stopped at the very same shop if I know you correct.

Maybe it was because of the small girl selling these earrings that made me buy so many for you. I felt like I went on a time journey down the past. Somehow she made me visualize how you would have been in your childhood just like her, a bit shy, silent and hardworking. I know you looked way more beautiful back then even more charming and cute and would have spent hours starring at such jhumkas.

The little girls name was GULSHAN. She was very cute and very nice girl just like an angel. Must be about 12 yrs approx, running her own roadside shop and very much beyond her age. It was from her shop that I bought these earrings. I had a great time with her.

She said “ladke log ka nahi hai…” when I was standing in front of her shop.

I said “ are mujhe apne liye nahi meri girlfriend ke liye chahiye” And started to rumble through the heap of earring lying on the jute rucksack.  I was only able to find 4 pair and was then struggling to find more

After a while she said “apko toh bilkul chose karna nai aata” laughing as she finished her sentence.

I still managed to find 2 more pairs.

“didi ko bulao fir… aap sab gadbad kar rahe ho” she shouted snatching them from my hands.

“apki didi yaha nai hai” I said.

“ap he nikal ke dedo apne hisab se job hi apko thik lage” I added and she said nothing after that. All she did was pick whatever earrings she liked and I was just starring at her. Felt like she was doing it with responsibility and boy! Was she happy to choose these jhumkas for you or what? She was smiling like stars everytime when she chose one and showed it to me.  On thing is for sure that all you girls look super cute and beautiful when you smile. I guess your smile never get old. It always shows your childhood image. Even when my mom smiles, I could see her childhood joy in it.

Yeah that very smile that is on your face right now and even better would be the one when you open the packet and look at so many earrings. I hope you like gulshans choices more than mine. I never like to say goodbye because I know there is no such thing as GOODBYE.

I swear she had a smile just like you … yes you the one reading this right now. It was big bright and shinning.   

Hope you like it.

MAYBE....you too.

I don’t know whether this writing would do any difference or how far this small piece of writing would go. But this is something that I wanted to do for myself, for my own self contentment and a process through which I do a self confession. It has been a long time since I wrote something that would speak about me. Well I know when I start to write about my thought process the write-up get complicated. Well it just gonna be the same this time also.

Well a lot has already been said, written and heard about the shameless act in Delhi. Something that has been happening from many years in Delhi and is posing a grave threat on the face of a country which is known as temple of democracy. Like billions of people living in India and all over the world even I spent a fare share of time in determining the answer or the reason to the most obvious question that people are asking

WHY?

All I could find was a million of reason with a very dominant MAYBE as a prefix.

Maybe they were not human.

Maybe they were high on substance.

Maybe they had a low upbringing.

Maybe it is something that happened in a spontaneous moment of rage.

Maybe it was just her bad luck.

Maybe somewhere somehow it was her mistake…maybe it was her carelessness.

Maybe it was ignorance… a trait that we as Indians have developed. Maybe it was because of something an old Mahatma taught us. But do some didn’t felt to abide to it where as others totally misunderstood it. Maybe it was tolerance that is inside Indian who doesn’t have a over-enlarged egoistic attitude. Maybe the meaning of tolerance and peace got converted into fear.

Maybe it happened because there is lack of respect.

Maybe it partial acceptance of western culture in   of which we lately felt very proud. Maybe it just managed to only reach our wallets and purses.

Maybe we are not ready to accept it that violence and sex is the core traits of  a human being which got subdued under a thin sheet of sophistication and civilization which is eventually getting torn apart. I guess all the above “MAYBE” is farfetched and vague.

Maybe the issue lies inside us. Maybe something is wrong inside me. Because if I say I never teased a girl before then I am the worst lier of this world. Here is me accepting it that even I have passed comments on girls. But I really feel sorry because it took an horrific incident like this for me to accept it. Maybe in saome way somehow in a very remote possible way even I am responsible for her rape and death. If I feel this way then even you out there are like me made of flesh, bone and blood. So we even you are responsible for her  rape and death.  So there is n way that you ask for justice if you yourself are a criminal.  If this so then all of us raped her and not only those 6. I did you did and the people all around you did it you cannot call for justice if you yourself a criminal

I really feel sorry today and ashamed as well.

I feel ashamed to be a human being.

I feel ashamed to me an Indian

And most of all I feel ashamed to me be a male.

She will never forgive me or you. Whatever we do now we just couldn’t be forgiven. We will have to live with it and take it to our graves. You and I just couldn’t ask for forgiveness for this act. We just didn’t fail that girl but we failed ourselves. We raped our self and we shoved ourselves with the iron rod. The pain that you feel inside is you yourself pulling the intestine out of your stomach. The grumbling and painful pinch that you feel inside yourself is how she felt when we shoved that rusted rod inside her.

If you can look into the mirror and say to yourself that you never ever teased a girl or passed a leaved comment on her then only you have a right to protest. Same goes for girl also. I know the crowed mentality even provokes girls to tease boys.  I tried and I failed.

Maybe Mayans and Archimedes  was right about the worlds ends. Just that we expected an Armageddon or solar storm. But it ended in this ways the most horrific way possible. We are self annihilating ourselves. Not with nuclear weapons and bullets and machetes but with “wheel jacks “and bamboo sticks.

We will have to live with it till our last breath. This is our punishment.

 May god forgive me for my act and all of us at large.