A stupid’s valentine day.

Happy marriage anniversary mumma-daddy…

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I remember the day when after a very long time I was walking past my college. Recalling all the silly stuff that we did here. I use to laugh at the students who did all kind of crazy and stupid stuff during the valentine day. Even Buying the most expensive gifts out of our limited pocket money. Funniest would be to see so many of us buying and bring rose to college without having anyone to give. But the good thing was most of the roses did exchange hands by the end of the day.

Before the college days love was a very blur and unclear topic for all of use. It was only after stepping into the college that we came in agreements with this highly contagious entity. Love was more of about having the sexiest girl in the college to eat samosa chatni with you in the lunch break. Neither of us knew the real meaning of love back then. Probably it wasn’t the right time to worry about the in depth meaning of love. It was very superficial and all we knew was what we heard from others. It’s strange how in course of time our reasoning skills are demarked in three parts like before love, during love and after love. Before love you are just developing your reasoning skills during love your reasoning skills totally goes for a toss and after love you tend to reason with each and every situation that you face.

This is because love just happens and you don’t need a reason to fall in love with anyone. You just want to live I that moment. That intimate moment when there is just two of you. Isolated from the entire universe. Fearless and brave. It ends up not only blossoming you but also creates a snowball effects and spill out of you in multiplied proportions. No wonder you want to stay close to your loved one if not at least with someone who is already in love.

The best experience of love doesn’t come while kissing or having sex. But in simple and daily instants.

For me if you ask it is when I hold your hand, and once I hold them I just don’t want to let them go. Probably more because I don’t get to hold them very often. That is why I know its importance. And how much I cherish those moments. It’s probably a million time that I told you about this. And whenever I see a couple holding hands I just pray that they realize the meaning it.

 Last year when she visited Mumbai during this time we went for a drive in my maruti Suzuki swift. I am not a big fan of driving cars all the more because I love my bike more. But when she is with me baki kuch mayine nahi rahkta. I mean what more can you ask for, to spend the valentine day with the person you love in the city you love.

I so much wanted to hold those hands that I could barely concentrate on the highly jammed vashi mulund highway. And here in lies the most amazing beauty about love, you can tell what’s going on in the others person’s minds. It’s the penultimate level of love. Somehow magically and gracefully she kept her hand on the gear stick. Maybe she was reading my mind or just concerned that I might get in an accident. And trust me I just loved the four hours that we spend stuck in that slow moving traffic. Changing gears never felt s cozy and intimate. There was very little that we talked probably we just wanted to live the most in that moment. It these simple yet special moment which are the best.

You know grace is something that is very natural to her. Its all about perception. Few years back I thought she was very egoistic but as I lived her life it evolved into gracefulness. And this is the best thing that I learned in this relationship. Yes my perception about life was very much influenced by you. Its this experience of living in present that changed my perception about love as well.

There is no past or future in love, There is only present. It dosent matter what your past was or what your future would be. What matters is how you live in this relationship at this particular time. And giving your best in it is what bears fruit. Love could be the best feeling in the world up to the point it’s not defined. But it’s a reality about love that to fertilize it, you have to define it and once it is defined it is bounded by the adjective you use for it.

Love dies when you burden it with maturity. The real essence of love lies in the innocence and silliness of it. There is no room for reasoning and rationality in love. When there is reasoning there is no room for love. And that’s why love is the best present you can give to anyone, and that’s how you live in the present moment. Love cannot be binded and it shouldn’t be. And when I am with you I don’t want to waste time reasoning with the IF’s of the future and BUT’s of the past.

“pyar me dimag nahi lagana chahiye…..usse chehre pe jhurriyon ke alawa kuch nai milega” was what she said to me while pinching my stomach as she left from bandra terminus. 

When there is love there is stupidity, originality, fun and everything that’s not directed by logic. If there is logic instead of love you end up marrying a random guy just because his package is 12 LPA. Growing in life is good but growing in life with love is even better. Good times may make you happy in a relation but it’s the tough times that strengthens it.

 So here is what I am gonna do this valentine’s day. Keep the logic out of the equation. I would again drive my car in the jam-packed traffic with her alongside holding her hands, buy her a beautiful pink top or a white salwar, a cheery cup cake, a bunch of rose worth even 1000 bucks or maybe a perfume of her choice or maybe take her to a pet shop to hear her “awwwww” and “kuchi kuchi” or maybe eat an ice-cream cone to see her struggle with the melting dripping ice-cream.

Or maybe just spend the entire day sitting on my 7^th floor flat balcony alongside her with a big mug of hot chocolate. Where the sweet and maroon cold wind blows straight through it and just sends you to another world. And later in the evening invite my friends with their girlfriends, wives, boyfriends and husbands to enjoy a very hearty dinner made by me for them. And later request my lady to stay back and give me a hand with washing the dishes. So that I could spend that extra 20 mins with her as well.

I don’t know what’s going to happen from the next day, I just wanted make the best with what I can do. And I think there is absolutely no harm in letting your love know about how much you love them. Express it GOT-DAMIT in whichever way you find it the best.

Let’s try and keep love in the most innocent and pure form. Like how you felt about it before you segmented it with logic and grammar. Redo all the stupid things that you did to “pattao” your love. All the stupid and crazy thing.

And let’s remember and give thanks to a few stupid and crazy that we might have forgotten, things like airtel friends, R to R free calling, SMS pack, CAD-B, yash chopra & karan johar films, hallmark and archies, stuffed toys, Nagpur university curriculum, moral police, Cadbury, radio love guru, class-mate ki bike, roommate ki kurti, tution classes, chai tappri, phul wala, notes and journals, forwarded msgs, love letters, nokia 1100, facebook, whats-app, gardens and most importantly girlfriend/boyfriends best friend for making our valentine day what it is today.

Also I would specially like to mention bagpiper, old monk and signature which gave many struggling lover the strength to express their love.

please freely share you stupid and crazy love experiences in comments. your identity is upto your discretion.

This is a very simple and special piece of write-up. Dedicated to very one in love.

Those who walk without turning back part 2

I could not hear what she wanted to say and she could not speak what I wanted to listen

5^th jan 2014

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4:30 pm: AOL international center, Kanakpura road:

I never felt keeping my mouth shut for 4 days would be such a daunting task.  A mere thought of being unable to communicate with the world used to terrify me to a great extent. It feels like a volcano of thoughts has accumulated in your mind waiting to explode but has no escape route. And the best way of disposing this uncontrolled flow of thoughts was to talk to inner self.

When BAWA tells you that there should be utter silence, he is damn serious about it.This order is followed by a gentle reminder- “There shouldn’t be any sort of communication, neither eye contact not even a gesture” DINESH bhaiya had said.

And when Bawa & Dinesh Bhaiya say, you are bound to follow it. As a matter of fact you don’t have a choice other than trusting them; and feel that awesome feeling that I felt within. And since I have completed the 4 day silent exile, I am at utter loss of sense to keep track of time.

Now it’s almost time to leave. To describe in a better way it helped me to isolate my mind of some unwanted thoughts. Thoughts that played hide and seek within my mind and would pop-up in the most unimaginable situations. It’s really amazing how few days on silence and detachment from your regular self can streamline your thought process.

As I sat on the footsteps of Visha-lakshmi Mantap waiting for my CAB to arrive I thought ‘is there something wrong with me’. Spontaneously turned my head and looked at the gigantic lotus structure of VM, said “am I ever gonna comeback to this place?”

But even after trying to convince myself in all possible ways, forms and belief there was only one word instinctively and unconsciously came out of my mouth “NO”. Before I could understand whether the “NO” was for what I thought or what I said a grey colored TATA Indica KA-05 DC-052 entered through gate number 1 and stood in front of me. In no time the driver pounced out grabbed my bag and said “sir, Sunday evening…traffic much….very much” and brought me back into reality.

“Hurry!!hurry!!sir..Bangalore traffic very tough” L. Kumar shouted as he threw my bag inside the car. He was so convincing with what he said that I never felt to have a final look back at VM. Within no time we were on the road towards Banergatta destination being BIA.

6:15 pm: somewhere in Bangalore city:

As kumar navigated through the swirling and super packed Bangalore traffic I was finding it difficult to keep my eyes ajar. We hardly slept for 2 hrs after getting out of silence. I just closed my eyes and was knocked out for good 40 minutes. i don’t know weather it was sleep or feeling of Trans but it felt very cool on a mental level as cold wind swept past my face at 80km/hr. A mixer of anticipation, curiosity, fear and excitement took over me as I saw the BIA which looked very much similar to USS Enterprise of Star Trek

6:40 pm: kemegowda international airport (BIA):

The probability of you getting lost in an airport which operates domestic and international operations from a common structure is very high.  After a certain point all directional signs seem useless. Few months back the situation was same just the location was different. Back then I stood outside with a big ‘HOW?’ and now I am on the inside with a even bigger ‘why?’.  Until that I point I didn’t even bother to remember what was the reason for which I wanted to spend this one week all by myself. With No whats-app, no facebook and no phone calls.

Because somewhere in that RUN & CHASE I had lost myself.

 “Why didn’t she turn back?” I asked myself sitting on a chair near gate 3.

Its good that visitors are not allowed inside the airport. some burdens are too heavy to carry till the last point. Although relations seem to make you stronger it somewhere weakens you as well. Some so precious that they become a part of your DNA and presents itself in your day-to-day behavior. From what I understood in 25 mins in the security area I can say is that when there is burden there is no room for dreams.

Somethings in life are much more worthwhile. Its even worth letting go a few things of your own. Some people have a better aim or a very strong and passionate dream or an intense personal goal to achieve. It’s the root of a tree that provides strength and holds the leaf from falling apart. But to fly with the wind the leaf must detach itself from the tree. Maybe that’s true love must give you…. FREEDOM.

7:40 pm: GATE 3 departure:

Now everything seemed more bright and lively. Also our flight announcement had happened making us move towards the bus parked in the airport bay, which then took us to the far end of the taxi bay where our plane was parked. Some people come in your life to stay forever, some just escort you to a better place and then walk away. And walking away is never easy. This thought sank into me as I turned back to see the dark bengaluru city one last time and said “maybe….someday..”.

Maybe she would have cried, maybe she had a poker-face or maybe she hadn’t. But one thing is certain that I did occupy some share of her thoughts that day. Believing that you have walked away and actually walking away are two different things. Sometimes it’s good not to turn back once you walk. I never realized when the air craft started to roll out of the Ramp into the taxi bay and was on the far end of the runway. Also that the air hostess had finished her in-flight security detail while I gave her a cold dead stare. As I tried to apply my engineering skills to complicate the simple seat belt ritual the plane had already taken off.

Suddenly I remembered something that I used to tell her every time “never say goodbye to me, because I don’t believe in such a thing”.

9:35 pm: 28,000fts @ 970km/hr.

And then there was again silence outside and calmness inside. No thoughts, no words and no sound. Just a sense of admiration and satisfaction. People never ‘GOODBYE’ out of your life. When they come they are here to stay, not the way we want but in there own unique way. Two weeks back just a stray thought about her would buy me a one way ticket to hatred and anger but now I was actually smiling as I looked at her London pics on FB. Finally there was acceptance. Now all that’s left was the sorrow for those letters.

“Those letters don’t matter anymore, you would eventually tear them..Right? So I did it myself” she said.

“You tore a part of me along with them. Why?” I had replied back then.

I guess I didn’t cry about us breaking up but because of her lying to me and tearing those letters. I think that they were a sign of trust amongst us. The only thing positive that can be drawn from this is that she helped me realize that love never dies off once it comes into existence, it just gets transformed. I guess even she fulfilled her promise, by making me love writing again.

Its just that it took her LONG walk without turning back, a broken heart, week long silence and 28,000 fts @970km/hr to realize it.

Present day.

So here I am again, waiting. I haven’t given up, neither love nor my dreams. still seeking that simple and special girl. All I expect you is to be my inspiration and motivation.

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feedback and comments are welcome
Special thanks to Sunny Bhatia and Kishore Pathak for there valuable input to complete it. thank you so much guys.

Those who walked without turning back (part 1)

“Aaj fatte hue khato ko dekh kagaz k tukdo ki ehmiyat samajh ayi.” 9^th oct 2013

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Present day 9:30 AM, Ghatkopar station:

I questioned myself, “How can someone be so irresponsible?”

After being made aware by me of the facts that the central line of Mumbai suburban local is extremely unpredictable on weekends still they chose to go Kalyan to her aunt’s place yesterday. I also told them that they would have to travel in local today morning in peek hours but they straight away overlooked my advice…

I questioned myself again “Why am I doing it?” as vivid thoughts about her crowded my memory like morning rush at Ghatkopar station.

Although this wasn’t the first time I had questioned this to myself. I had recently asked this question twice at different instances, first when I agreed to her brother’s request to help them so that she could board her flight to London and second when I met them at CSTM station and suggested them to stay at a hotel nearby instead of going Kalyan  so as to avoid morning rush. They didn’t give a shit to either of my opinion. Here I am again waiting for them since 7:00 AM at a time which was decided the previous day. Again I kept my words but she didn’t.

It’s almost a year now since we broke up. I am not sure about how other break-ups happen as there was no drama involved in mine. The best part was- It happened over a phone. Maybe for both of us it was the best way. We knew we couldn’t lie to each other upfront and this would help us in hiding our shortcomings as well. I thought the best way to gulp it was doing it in a single go and say “koi nai… chalega… no tension”. On the other hand she would have thought I might win her back again and convince her. Both of us preferred the ‘chickened out’ solution. And in a few days both of us realized that the page had already turned. Actually it was she, who first thought of moving on and promptly went ahead with her thoughts. Perhaps the pace of life was different for both of us. Neither I could run fast nor could she wait much. It was destined…

“Bloody am I the only one worried about her… what’s wrong with them?” – The concerning question took over my thought process. I tried to dial her number which was mugged up a long time ago; perhaps my fingers remembered the digits better than me.

But all of a sudden the memories of yesterday encircled my mind. When all we had to say to each other was a cold and formal “Good Morning”. It was almost a forced wish. Neither did she try to talk to me nor was I expecting so from her. It’s very strange to realize such   behavior from a person who was once your motivation. I played with my Nokia 520 while thinking about it and in disgust I threw it back in my pocket.

9:45 AM, Ghatkopar station:

Her Dad called me to notify that they had reached Ghatkopar safely amid of utter Mumbai crowd. “Are beta sorry actually who…” her dad started to apologize which sounded more of an explanation.

“Not an issue we are here that’s all matters now…lets go” I quickly interrupted him and rushed them towards the taxi stand on the west side of station.  Although her brother was trying to be smart with his weird idea about going till Santa Cruz via Dadar which sounded absolutely stupid considering the lack of time that we had.  Her father noticed that I was sulking and tired and pissed off at them as I was waiting since 7 am in morning that too after doing a night shift. Straight away he followed me. I rushed them to the taxi stand and in no time we were heading towards Chtarapati Shivaji International Airport. As we travelled towards Sakinaka from Ghatkoper there was a strange silence inside the taxi. Apart from the usual and occasional question to the driver “Kitna time lagega bhaiya?”

Sensing that I was in a bad mood his dad tried to strike up a conversation with me inquiring about my work and all. But there was little he could understand about CX600 , ISP’s, Routing protocols, Shift handover and 48-fiber.

Between this unexpected job interview and complaining about how Mumbai traffic sucks by her dad, a gush of memory flashed by my eyes. I recalled a conversation that I had many times with her when we were ‘WE’ about how I wanted to show her around Mumbai. Not in this way perhaps never in this situation. I sneaked through the rear view of driver and there she was quietly starring at the slow moving traffic under the metro rail. I was rather less worried about what was going on in her mind for me the top priority was to get her to departure terminal 1 gate D before 10:40 AM and it was already 10:30 AM.

10: 40 AM, Sakinaka

After a bumpy ride in  cramped up Mumbai traffic we reached Sakinaka and turned left towards CSIA Terminal 1 and headed towards departure gate D. Suddenly the mood in the taxi got a little tensed and sad. The thoughts swayed in my mind like the road swayed towards the gates. All ups and downs that we faced together circled through my in matter of seconds. We reached just in time and they all started to unload her bags on to the trolley and moved towards the check-in area. All eyes were wet by now and bodies had gone cold and numb.

“Come on, push it… we are not pushing ...It’s your responsibility now” I announced without addressing her directly. And so she did as we all stood outside and the family started to talk about something in Marathi.

“This is no place for me I am not supposed to be here” I said to myself again.

First she hugged her mother (whom I hated a lot) and then the rest followed. Knowing what would follow up next I took two steps back and tried to hide somewhere. Her brown white eyes first turned wet and the strands of red started to emerge from white. I was just too strong to become weakened by that embrace or tears. Neither had I wanted to hear what they were talking nor did I want to look in those eyes as I wasn’t a part of her family. So I again took two steps back almost finding myself in the middle of a parking road. I guess even after so many months I just couldn’t bear to see her cry. After saying goodbyes to everyone she briefly looked towards me. But this time I just could not read anything in those eyes. They seemed shut just like her heart; there seemed no room for me in them.

Among 100 of situations one can imagine this would be oddest of them all. Where you have nothing to say to the person you loved. Maybe somewhere deep in my mind I minutely expected a dramatic situation but here it was very practical and real. All I could see in those cold eyes were “It’s over”. She had already moved too far from me emotionally now she is actually moving 9000 km away from me and she had nothing to say. As she approached me to bid adieu instead of taking 4 steps forward I took only 3 and stretched my hand towards her.

Suddenly the last memory about her crossed my mind. The conversation we had as she left Jaipur was much unexpected and it highlighted with a lie… a lie that brought me trembling on my knees back then and shaking the trust amongst us over some torn pieces of paper.

This brought a sweep of coldness inside me as well and just at that moment we shook our hands. Those two cold hands, two emotionless hands, two dead hands. Hands that once knew each other very well were complete strangers now.

“Don’t forget your priorities.” I said to her.

“Yes I won’t” she responded without a hint of smile...

Neither my suggestion nor her response mattered to any of us at that moment. Still I was stupid enough to stand on the edge of Sliding gates behind her crying family trying to look as deep inside the check-in area as possible. Hoping she might turn back. To say sorry, thank you, take care or even goodbye. If not atleast to hear it from me and witness that I fulfilled all that I promised. But she was one of those who walked without turning back.  As her flight status changed from on-time to check-in to security to boarding and departed her family waited thoughtfully and I thoughtlessly.

1:40 PM, CSIA

To be very honest I never really understood it. And at that very moment I didn’t want to understand it. I was never made to feel so cold by any person ever in my life. What goes on once you are inside cannot be judged by anyone from the outside. Just at that instant my phone popped an SMS and it read “The PNR status for your spicejet flight SG529 from banglore on 5^th jan 14 at 19:40 hrs is JDGR2R”. I just have a hope that I might find out the reason behind her cold behavior because in a matter of months I would be on other side of those Sliding gates.

Concluding part to follow soon…

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feedback and comments are welcome
Special thanks to Sunny Bhatia and Kishore Pathak for there valuable input to make it even more special.