the Umbrella-rain affair

Hello again here I am back again, I now it has been quiet a while that I have posted something on my blog. It’s my view towards inspiration that has stopped me from writing anything new. To be honest it has been almost a year now that I came to Mumbai. And I have no doubt is saying that I love this city. Specially the rainy season here. People may complain a thousand things about it but I am its true and honest fan. It could be really romantic if you are with someone special. If not this cities rain will help you find that someone special for sure. 
 

To meet an old friend in this city too is a daunting task. But when recently I meet an old friend I had an experience that reaffirmed my faith in the abilities and surprises that this city holds.  This was the first time that we meet after our college got over all thanks to facebook .  She was my classmate and a very good friend. But there wasn’t anything special or what you call attraction amongst us. She was equally talkative back then as she was the day I meet her in juhu recently. Not much has changed since then only the fact that now she isn’t the only one wearing spectacles and back then she always wanted to ride my bike for which I would never agree. Also the fact that she was very amazed and mesmerized by the fact of working in night shifts. To my surprise now I was the more talkative person as she enquired all the possible things that one could ask from health, food, personal life and even work culture of people working in shifts. 

You know time really skates by when you meet such a person after a very long time. It over whelms your mind and you forget to keep track of things in such situations. Be it the time or your belongings. That what she did. She forgot her umbrella in the theater itself and frankly speaking in the between the hilarious thoughts of past and the excitement and joyfulness of meeting an old colleague it’s hard for an umbrella to find its place.

And you know what made her realize this?

You guessed it correct the Mumbai rains. Here is a fact about Mumbai rains its always unexpected and willingly or forcefully it will get better of you. Neither an umbrella nor a raincoat can stop it from hugging you and making you fall in love. It can be super romantic or a real party pooper. Maybe it was my lucky day or maybe not…

The sudden down pour caught both of us off-guard and although I had an umbrella and it took me less than 15 sec to pull it out and open it but by that time we both were almost drenched. That was the moment she realize her umbrella was missing and she didn’t hesitate to come under mine. But single umbrella can barely keep one person dry leave apart two. Although we stood under a tree with the umbrella the rain water some how manage to find its way to us. It caused both of us to move inward and our proximity decreased gradually. Now that’s the magic I was talking about. We were never so close to each other before neither I felt like this ever but women I tell you are really magical creature. You will never know when you fall in there trap. Why?

While standing there I noticed that she had a mole in her right ear. Which looked really beautiful as it rested in a place so intimate and hidden. This caught my attention and I kept staring at it for a while. Was something wrong with me?

To add icing on the cake the winds that would blew across her semi-wet hair would carry with it the perfume of her shampoo which was, I guess DOVE or LO’REAL. But whatever it was it was mild and something that would sink in you soul and be there for ever. It filled my lungs and I felt like getting dissolved in it. The tempting fragrance made me take long breathing to inhale as much as possible and the winds just kept bring her closer and closer to me.

Suddenly a drop of water leaked from my umbrella and fell on her shoulder. It slowly navigated its way from her shoulder to her back and then rolled down her back under her white top. Then another fell at the same place and then another. They kept falling and conquering her fairly golden skin. Without her permission, fearlessly and with full enthusiasm they made her expression change as if the were electrifying her. As the drops fell and scrolled down her eyes would melt and close in the most amazing way possible and she would shiver and sizzle making me feel like butter on a hot pan.

Then she turned towards me and now we stood facing each other and her perfume came with every breath inside me. I felt one with her. I felt like putting my dry hand under her top and around her wet waist and grab her close to myself. And feel her moist skin with my hand. White was never my favorite color but it became from that day because it was almost completely wet. I could feel the warm air that came out of her nose on my chest.  I could also see her kajal all smudged around her eyes. I felt like removing her clucher and let her hair dance in wind.  

 I asked myself “did her lips always looked milky pink or is it because of the rain and cold?, was she always so slim and soft and was she always this beautiful?”

The silence amongst us was something even she realized. Maybe the feeling was mutual. To check it I moved myself an inch closer to her. But she didn’t move back and instead she squeezed herself. I though she wanted me to put my arms around her. We were so closed that I could have easily tasted that drop of water and land a kiss on her forehead simultaneously and she wouldn’t know.

The scene was set only one thing was left from which I backed out. I knew if I looked into her eyes now we would definitely fall in love with each other. I knew this all was a step up. The rain was making us come close to each other.  But to be honest I just couldn’t gather the courage to look back into her eyes when she was looking towards me so closely coz I knew she would come to know the reality about what going on in my mind. And this could have really complicated the things amongst us.

The fact is that neither the rain wants a human be alone nor the human being wants to stay alone in rain. It wants you to find a companion and to be loved by the same. Maybe I did the right thing or something really really stupid but I was just not prepared to fall in love again. 

Your views on it are certainly welcomed.

A letter with smile

Hello there how are you? Was missing you a lot.  Pen nai tha toh pencil se he likhna start kar diya. It has been a long time that I hadn’t written to you. Writing is something that I enjoy doing and when it’s about writing to you it just pure pleasure and joy. Talking to someone is a dual mode communication. Something in which judgment comes very quickly and maybe also affects the way you put forward the rest of the conversation. Something I tend to dislike and a reason why I prefer writing. Here there is no judgment, no interruption in thought process and no disturbance. It’s you and your pencil and endless blank pages to be filled and in the end when you are done all what remains is a time line of your thoughts.

That’s exactly how I am going to write this article. I am also sending a small gift along with this letter which I hope you will like a lot. M sure you have already opened it by now. Now as the jack is out of the box these are a few earrings or what you call them jhumkas .these were what I bought suddenly out of blue moon even surprising myself whilst doing it. Initially there was no intention to buy it or maybe few at max but I ended up buying all these that you see in front of you. Some of them are sparkling and shining like you eyes and smiles whereas some are simple and natural just the way you are.  Hope you like it too.

There is no specific reason why I bought it and sent them to you.

 Maybe I just want to surprise you. Maybe I was missing you very badly, maybe a look at these earrings reminded me of the typical girly attitude that you have, a character very unique yet general in you. Maybe I imagined that after looking at them your eyes would sparkle and shine with joy just the way they used to when you were small and saw these earrings out in the market.

Or maybe its because I bought it from a HANUMAN JAYANTI mela that some how appeared outside my flat in navi Mumbai out of nowhere. A typical GAOWALON KA MELA type where people from nearby villages & town come to buy these kind of stuff. Maybe it was this thing that provoked me to buy something for you. I thought you being here would have simple loved it and felt really joyous. Would have stopped at the very same shop if I know you correct.

Maybe it was because of the small girl selling these earrings that made me buy so many for you. I felt like I went on a time journey down the past. Somehow she made me visualize how you would have been in your childhood just like her, a bit shy, silent and hardworking. I know you looked way more beautiful back then even more charming and cute and would have spent hours starring at such jhumkas.

The little girls name was GULSHAN. She was very cute and very nice girl just like an angel. Must be about 12 yrs approx, running her own roadside shop and very much beyond her age. It was from her shop that I bought these earrings. I had a great time with her.

She said “ladke log ka nahi hai…” when I was standing in front of her shop.

I said “ are mujhe apne liye nahi meri girlfriend ke liye chahiye” And started to rumble through the heap of earring lying on the jute rucksack.  I was only able to find 4 pair and was then struggling to find more

After a while she said “apko toh bilkul chose karna nai aata” laughing as she finished her sentence.

I still managed to find 2 more pairs.

“didi ko bulao fir… aap sab gadbad kar rahe ho” she shouted snatching them from my hands.

“apki didi yaha nai hai” I said.

“ap he nikal ke dedo apne hisab se job hi apko thik lage” I added and she said nothing after that. All she did was pick whatever earrings she liked and I was just starring at her. Felt like she was doing it with responsibility and boy! Was she happy to choose these jhumkas for you or what? She was smiling like stars everytime when she chose one and showed it to me.  On thing is for sure that all you girls look super cute and beautiful when you smile. I guess your smile never get old. It always shows your childhood image. Even when my mom smiles, I could see her childhood joy in it.

Yeah that very smile that is on your face right now and even better would be the one when you open the packet and look at so many earrings. I hope you like gulshans choices more than mine. I never like to say goodbye because I know there is no such thing as GOODBYE.

I swear she had a smile just like you … yes you the one reading this right now. It was big bright and shinning.   

Hope you like it.

MAYBE....you too.

I don’t know whether this writing would do any difference or how far this small piece of writing would go. But this is something that I wanted to do for myself, for my own self contentment and a process through which I do a self confession. It has been a long time since I wrote something that would speak about me. Well I know when I start to write about my thought process the write-up get complicated. Well it just gonna be the same this time also.

Well a lot has already been said, written and heard about the shameless act in Delhi. Something that has been happening from many years in Delhi and is posing a grave threat on the face of a country which is known as temple of democracy. Like billions of people living in India and all over the world even I spent a fare share of time in determining the answer or the reason to the most obvious question that people are asking

WHY?

All I could find was a million of reason with a very dominant MAYBE as a prefix.

Maybe they were not human.

Maybe they were high on substance.

Maybe they had a low upbringing.

Maybe it is something that happened in a spontaneous moment of rage.

Maybe it was just her bad luck.

Maybe somewhere somehow it was her mistake…maybe it was her carelessness.

Maybe it was ignorance… a trait that we as Indians have developed. Maybe it was because of something an old Mahatma taught us. But do some didn’t felt to abide to it where as others totally misunderstood it. Maybe it was tolerance that is inside Indian who doesn’t have a over-enlarged egoistic attitude. Maybe the meaning of tolerance and peace got converted into fear.

Maybe it happened because there is lack of respect.

Maybe it partial acceptance of western culture in   of which we lately felt very proud. Maybe it just managed to only reach our wallets and purses.

Maybe we are not ready to accept it that violence and sex is the core traits of  a human being which got subdued under a thin sheet of sophistication and civilization which is eventually getting torn apart. I guess all the above “MAYBE” is farfetched and vague.

Maybe the issue lies inside us. Maybe something is wrong inside me. Because if I say I never teased a girl before then I am the worst lier of this world. Here is me accepting it that even I have passed comments on girls. But I really feel sorry because it took an horrific incident like this for me to accept it. Maybe in saome way somehow in a very remote possible way even I am responsible for her rape and death. If I feel this way then even you out there are like me made of flesh, bone and blood. So we even you are responsible for her  rape and death.  So there is n way that you ask for justice if you yourself are a criminal.  If this so then all of us raped her and not only those 6. I did you did and the people all around you did it you cannot call for justice if you yourself a criminal

I really feel sorry today and ashamed as well.

I feel ashamed to be a human being.

I feel ashamed to me an Indian

And most of all I feel ashamed to me be a male.

She will never forgive me or you. Whatever we do now we just couldn’t be forgiven. We will have to live with it and take it to our graves. You and I just couldn’t ask for forgiveness for this act. We just didn’t fail that girl but we failed ourselves. We raped our self and we shoved ourselves with the iron rod. The pain that you feel inside is you yourself pulling the intestine out of your stomach. The grumbling and painful pinch that you feel inside yourself is how she felt when we shoved that rusted rod inside her.

If you can look into the mirror and say to yourself that you never ever teased a girl or passed a leaved comment on her then only you have a right to protest. Same goes for girl also. I know the crowed mentality even provokes girls to tease boys.  I tried and I failed.

Maybe Mayans and Archimedes  was right about the worlds ends. Just that we expected an Armageddon or solar storm. But it ended in this ways the most horrific way possible. We are self annihilating ourselves. Not with nuclear weapons and bullets and machetes but with “wheel jacks “and bamboo sticks.

We will have to live with it till our last breath. This is our punishment.

 May god forgive me for my act and all of us at large.   

life between two headphones

It was 1st November and i got stuck up in DAKC with my access card issue. It was almost 10.30 pm by the time I swiped out. The hunger seemed to have vanished and all I wanted was to drag myself to my flat and make a crash landing on bed. The weather too seemed a little foggy and dusty.

I could easily feel every step I took because my new leather shoe was torturing my ankles with excruciating pain. My walking stance changed to a limping one after some time.

It’s almost 2 weeks that I had joined DAKC. It was just what i had dreamed of "to work in a big company both capital wise and campus wise." I never thought that shifting here from Delhi would be so easy because language and cultural difference were the prominent fears that I had while landing here. One thing that I really liked about this city was its awesomeness. The evenings are equally chaotic as the morning calmness.  The long walk back to my flat from DAKC was a lonely one this time and brought back the Delhi memories.

 By this time you could feel the mild winter chill crawling up your legs in Delhi but not here. It’s just the same weather all the time. I was feeling sunken by it as I stared down the maroon and yellow colored tiles of local station which I cross daily to reach my flat.

So I thought that listening to some music would be a better Idea to float from delhi thoughts.  My face felt completely dry and life less dumped under a layer dust. I took out my headphones and felt listening to radio music might cheer me up. The song in the air was ‘phir se udh chal’ the ROCKSTAR song and after a while something happened.

The tune of this song filled my lungs with oxygen. I thought I wasn’t breathing until before that and then everything started looking a bit brighter and clear. The more I breath the more thing began shining. I looked up at the sky for the first time I could see the bright yellow colored “M” of McDonalds on the background of dark blue night where the moon seemed like a drop of light leaking through the roof of sky just about to fall on earth.

It just hypnotized me and before I could realize I was standing at the entrance of the restaurant were the red haired and yellow pullover statue of the McDonalds guy sat in the middle of a bench smiling at nothing.  By the time I walked in it was closing time and waiters were busy cleaning the chair and placing then over the tables. My hungry stomach made me buy a McEgg and pepsi. The ambience was calm and some song was playing in the background.

At one corner of the restaurant sat a couple. They seemed newly married and supremely hungry as well. The lady was wearing a pink kurti with puffy shoulder stitching very similar to what the 60’s heroines used to wear. This is the best way I can explain it. She was wearing loads of silver golden and red bangles in both her hands like a bride. She had narrow eyes and they were sharply pointed at the outer edge like a knife. Her hairs were curly and were bunched together like a bun. She had a frail and thin figure very similar to a special portrait kept on the walls of my heart.

The man brought some burgers and sat in front of her and they looked very similar to how we used to look. Felt like I was seeing myself from the outside. The boy gave first bite of his burger to the girl and so did the girl to boy. Both were smiling and the smile made their teeth sparkle and the happiness just made her lips lusty red and formed dimples on her cheeks. They went on eating and talking and laughing together. I don’t know for how long I was staring at them but all seemed like a replay of a fragmented event from my memory. The events of Rajiv Chowk blindsided my vision as I got carried away by them. Smiling and remembering those days. I never knew when they left but I was still starring at that corner and smiling like a stupid.

By the time I came back to myself my burger was stone cold and the melted ice made my Pepsi very dilute and tasteless. There was absolutely nothing in my mind at that moment just shire happiness. And the moment I stepped out of McDonalds and starred up towards the white droplet of light in sky only one sentence came in my mind

“MISS YOU MAM”.

It transformed the happiness in my mind into a big smile on my face. It brought a gush of cold fresh air into my lungs and this just made my vision fresh and clear as I started my journey back to my flat with headphones in my ears and listening to radio. The only difference this time was now there was a hop in my walk.

HAPPY DIWALI TO ALL MY READERS

hope you leave a comment on this article too.

A class of inspiration.

There was a huge poster of of a tiger right in front of me. By far it was the only thing that was very attractive in that conference room. The most amazing thing about that poster that caught me staring towards it for a long time was the asymmetric orientation of the two half of the tigers face. I was wondering and having an argument with my mind itself trying to justify that it was not asymmetric in nature. Although the more i saw it the more i felt that it was an act of photo-shop and some really lazy editing.

While entering the huge gate no 1 of DAKC there was this one promise i made to myself. Come what may i will smile and this was a choice i made for myself and that was exactly how i entered the huge conference room before. Amongst my lonely sole there were 27 other individuals. But it didn't matter to me a lot as all my attention was towards that huge poster of tiger.

 There were 27 other living breathing organism sitting around that conference table breathing the same air conditioned air in that room but all my attention was focused on that photo. all were giving cold stares to each other.

No one talked to no one until we reached the training room. Even though i tried not to keep any presumption in my mind but they were really knocking at my door. It was that kind of feeling when you try to measure your caliber just by looking at them, trying to make a chart of differentiation indicating who is better or worst than you. Stiffening up on better points and slouching down on worst points. It is the best way in which i could define the atmosphere of that conference room.

It wasn't until the ice breaking that i came to realize how foolish it of me to think like this was.

I always have this firm believe that direction in life can be asked from anyone. It as simple as asking for directions from anyone crossing you on the street while walking. It doesn't necessarily mean that you need to be lost to ask for direction. Similarly inspiration is something that can be drawn from anyone and anything.  This is something i have written many times before in my previous articles also but that's how i feel my life refuels.

My initial predicaments were completely shattered after knowing that people around me were just not some random individuals but stories in bone and flesh. Coming from such distinct backgrounds and walks of society that it made my vision of life even more dynamic and acceptable to various spectrum of living dimensions.

We think that only our life is filled with trouble, hardship and difficulties. Yes i totally accept it that in our approach we do find it tough. Sometimes this situation just breaks us down into small bits and pieces. It gives our self confidence a real battering shaking us to the very core of our existence.

Listening to the life stories of all my training room associates i feel that yes even they have gone through the same intensive hardship as i had gone through. I am saying this not to praise myself or to earn some sympathy but to help you realize the significance of it. Now i am really proud to say that i am very lucky to have meet a group like this. So many stories be it the struggle to complete studies, fighting against sickness and socio-economical condition. Or conquering your fears and overcoming your greatest fear. Each person in this training room is a living example of how a simple motivation and lots of dedication can do.

There was a time when i use to think that i am not worth this responsibility. It isn't that i am afraid of it but this was something that i never thought could happen in my life. I felt that even if i did manage to get through to such a work place environment I would just not gel. But now i am sure that i am not alone.

Knowing that there are people around me that had a rocky road to this point made me realize that even i have that ability. One thing that all of us had in common is our fighting attitude. We know the importance of working in this organization and our responsibility as co-workers towards each other.

It has been only two weeks that i have meet these guys in one of the largest company campus in India but i have already learned a lot from them.

I made a promise to myself that i will smile and meet everyone and will not try to do any manipulations. And i will abide to it. i am also honored to be spending the next 4 weeks of my life with these amazing 27 people. I am not aware weather they have welcomed me into their worlds but i already did with a big smile.

“if this is the best way to celebrate success, i am glad to celebrate it with you guys”.

happy dussera!!

feedback and comments are welcomed below.

  

A ghost at rajiv chowk.

"if letting go of you was tough

accepting that you are gone is even tougher".

 “Systematic chaos” by far is the best way to explain everyday scene at rajiv chowk metro station. It has been 2years since I first came to New Delhi. Although I often go through this station I never really felt happy about it. It felt like a huge dead dinosaur within which people run around like ants. Most of the other station felt livelier than this station.

But today it was different. It was raining since morning and continued to rain late in the evening. Although many people suggested me to carry an umbrella in Delhi but I still stick to raincoats. I trusted it more than an umbrella and it looked cool too.

But heavy rains made metro run several minutes late and free time is something that is very rare in place like Delhi.

I prefer to travel in second boogie of metro as its relatively empty as compared to rest of the metro. I waited on platform 1, resting myself on the wall with support of one leg. I wore only upper half of my blue rain coat as I left my office in Noida sector 15 in hurry. I was due to meet a very good friend of mine who lived in Saket on yellow line.

Waiting for metro brought the Rajiv Chowk station alive with memories.

The first time I came it was a cold winter evening of November. And Delhi winters are super romantic. I was standing on platform number 4 below a poster of TOTAL RECALL movie. A bit scared, happy and worried all at the same time. I was searching a girl in white top and light blue jeans. I spotted her first; even she was scanning the crowd. She stood wearing dress of my favorite colors and boy! Did she looked beautiful or what. And those coffee brown eyes were the best eyes I have ever seen in my life.

The best part was even she knew that I was gigantically mad about her eyes. I use to tell her like thousand time “teri ankhe mujhe dede. Mai tumhari ankho ka divana hu” and she used to shy away like a small baby.

My head subconsciously turned right towards the holding where I saw her for the first time. But she was no where to be seen. The station is same, silver white metros are same, even nirula’s, CCD and even yellow and purple footsteps were at the same place but she wasn’t. Kind of an delusion I think.

Then I desperately tried to see those coffee brown eyes in thousands of people passing around me. Hoping to see them one more time and tell her how beautiful her eyes are. But I just couldn’t find them. All of them were strangers and in those estranged ghostly faces I tried to locate her wearing 5km long smile and amazing coffee brown eyes.

Where is she? Does she miss my presence? How can she not if I miss her like this?

To add cherry on top a couple stood in front of me holding each others hand. I smiled and said to myself “I hope you understand the importance of this, hold it and value it”

Now almost 2 years have past since she left me at this very platform, but my definition of love hasn’t changed. I still pray for her every morning. She was always blessed with good people around her. All I really hope that she understands there importance.

This is something that always happens to me at this station. Such experiences put me in a paradox. Trying to find a familiar face amongst thousands of unknown. Just the way you feel in a haunted place.

There is a ghost at this place. I am not sure weather that ghost is myself who becomes lost in his own presence or is it her who is present even in her absence.  

A REASON TO HATE YOU.

It was another boring Monday morning and it is the most incorrect day to get up early in morning. My god these Monday morning really tests your perseverance as an individual

My bed is just below the window of my 7^th floor flat in bandra west. Man I really hate to get up at 6.23 am on a monday morning which was a holiday

.

“Oh no man” I said to myself. Its usually the other way around.

I took the stock of situation and turned around to open the window behind me.

Initially it felt like it’s still dark. Much darker than it should be for a 6.30 am type in Mumbai. Instead it was very gloomy and heavily clouded. Gray is the best word I which I would describe the scene that I saw.

You know people rightly say “MUMBAI NEVER FAILS TO SURPRIZE YOU”

You can include me in the same club too.

The weather was perfect to go on date. a long awaited date with my beautiful red bike. I didn’t even care to take a bath, I just wanted to get out there and feel it.

White T-shirt and brown cargo was my attire and riding my bike over bandra-worli sealink was calming and intimidating experience.

 I decided to head for marine drive. I swear those 40 min were the best time I had spent on my bike ever. By 9.10 am I had reached. I was beautiful and by the time I reached it had begun to rain and Mumbai rains are to die for and I literally mean it!!!

The portrait of blue, gray and white was an amazing and shades of green just compliment the scene amazingly. The sea and sky looked like doing salsa. Tumbling and caressing in the horizon. Felt like they wanted to get dissolve in each other. Sea was no longer blue. Felt like the curtain of rain was an attempt to hide there dance. This is what I felt when I saw this play through the huge glass windows of Barista café while enjoying my coffee and garlic bread break-fast.

The down pour was hard and heavy. Mumbai rains are awesome.

Since marine drive was virtually empty any small movement far away could be noticed.

After an hour our so a lonely figure appeared in far vicinity. Frail and thin structure, long wet hair and hand crossed in front. Completely soaked, walking down marine drive road. A humane form of emotion and feeling. Living but lifeless. Alive but dragging. Eyes as cold as the weather itself and wet bunched hair forced to fly due to strong winds. She almost seemed like a ghost.

 The idea felt good and I too ventured out in rain. It felt great walking with my eyes closed and only thing I could hear was the symphony of sea and wind and light footstep coming from a distance.

I reached the end of marine drive towards nariman point and a 20 min walk felt like nothing. I saw the same girl standing at the end face of nariman point facing the sea a little far from me. A mesmerizing scene (above image is the same scene)

Felt like everything that needed to be spoken was said by the view itself. The rain was same, the sea was same the city in the background was same but this figure standing in it just added a load of meaning and life to it.

Felt like she was standing at the end of an imaginary bridge. I don’t know what was she starring at but I think at the other end of that bridge, trying to see her own life through the memories of past. Maybe she was trying to fill colors of her memories in this grayish image.

She stood there like a stone.

The only movement that she did was when a bird crossed from in front of her. her eyes followed that bird until it vanished in the skyscrapers of city of dreams.

Smiling and enjoying the flight of that bird. I saw her smiling when turned her head towards the left. Watching her gazing and smiling bought a smile on my face too. maybe she was no longer feeling lonely because I wasn’t feeling lonely anymore.

This is something I really like about Mumbai. In this city you might feel alone sometimes but it never leaves you lonely.

“I might not love you,

But it’s just that I couldn’t find A REASON TO HATE YOU”

 post your feedback and comments below.